To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Just to add, bathing your baby, that special one to one time is an intimate and special thing and she might feel youve somehow violated that??? You might find this silly but it obviously upset her

One of the sad outcomes of this is that SIL doesn't want her dd to share a bath with anyone.
My kids were part of a crowd of 8 grandchildren, all similar ages. When at aunties/grandparents they all shared a bath, and they have great memories of mad bath times in my parents huge roll top bath.

Bubbles and toys and generally chaos. It was fun.

It is one of the nice things about having kids similar ages to their cousins

Why is that sad? It is not a rite of passage you know. Adults do not share the woes of how they never shared a bath with other children.

Your SIL is fine with the free childcare but now she has boundaries. She sounds nuts!

OP please don't take this to heart. She clearly has massive issues. Sending hugs.

What a fruit cake she is!!! You sound like a lovely Auntie!

“Overstepping boundaries” implies a serious moral infraction.

You gave her baby a bath, not her husband a blow job.

I hope she is sheepish AF when you see her on Saturday!

Oh my goodness I would be so upset and wouldn't want to put myself in the firing line again no matter what her reasoning.

How sad 😟

In short as a fellow mum that appreciates nothing more than someone else bathing my child especially if they have got themselves in a mess I would say no you haven’t done anything wrong.. however..

To a parent who may have experienced some kind of trauma or have a belief or reason to feel strongly about another person bathing their child.. I can understand how this would upset someone or make them feel a boundary has been crossed. I would also suggest, although maybe not the case, texting later on might indicate some level of lacking confidence or reluctance to discuss reasons behind it. It may even be that she has tried to be ok with it knowing it is harmless however ended up stewing on it and feeling worse about it.

If I was you I would reply not necessarily apologise but reply saying you did not realise that this was a boundary of SILs even say ‘maybe I should have asked beforehand’, so although it is not something that would bother you you are acknowledging it has bothered her. I would also make it clear it wasn’t your intention to upset anyone and let SIL know you are there if she wants to talk about it anymore, so your giving her the opening to leave it as it is or maybe explain her thoughts about it a bit more which could help you understand where it has all come from.

I also agree with other that have said not to take it to heart. To me it seems like a difference in opinion and parents styles, which happens and is no one fault. You’ve acted with good intentions and sometimes that’s all you can take away from a situation.

@SSmumc and @Skinnyunderneath
In OP's third post, she writes:

"I messaged back and said I wasn't aware that was a boundary you had and given your feelings I agree that I shouldn't babysit again. I've left it at that and heard no more."

A masterclass in diplomacy that puts the brakes on conflict, in my view.

If SIL had a boundary around bathing her child, arising from any reason at all, she really ought to have let OP know in advance. Toddler children getting messy and needing bath/shower/hosedown is hardly out of the ordinary; in fact just enjoying bath bubbles and toys together is joyous for them.
A previous poster also opined that (for cultural reasons) even tiny children shouldn't see each other's nakedness - I found that so sad - it imputes a sordidness to even being children that is very depressing.

She's your niece! Guessing she doesn't go to nursery?? Who does she think is going to change her nappy etc. she's been very weird. Is your brother her Dad? I'd be having words and saying how offended and upset I am.

I think the posters who say the SIL might have a back story where she was abused are unlikely to be right - in my experience someone with that sort of background will check before they leave their child with someone that they won't do certain things with their child. The fact that the SIL is happy for the OP to change the child's nappy shows it's very unlikely she's worried that the OP might be abusive.

THIS

don’t see how anyone could argue with this

would she have been happier to have picked up a dirty child?
She is being a bit weird i would ask her why? I bathe my grand daughter, shes your niece, you have a daughter, dont see the issue here at all

its Always the child that misses out in these scenarios though. Why should the poor little girl be cut off completely from her Aunt and cousin who she is presumably very fond of if she spends a lot of time with them, because her mum acted like a tw*t!!!!

Thinking back to a time when my niece was little (I was only early 20’s and had no idea about looking after kids at all) she once had a “sleepover” with me when I was staying at my mums (her grandmother) house. She woke me in the night to say she’d wet the bed, and I thought nothing of stripping her wet pj’s, cleaning her up, putting her in one of my giant t-shirts and letting her sleep in my bed for the rest of the night. She proudly told her mum (my SIL) all about it the next day and she laughed her head of at the idea of me dealing with that in the middle of the night. After all we are family and no decent Aunt should worry about taking care of basic needs of their nieces/nephews!

Your SIL is 🦇💩 crazy, especially to read she’s still in nappies anyway!!! How utterly ridiculous. You did the right thing. Good luck to her finding a new (presumably free!) babysitter who’s as good!

So if she has such strong feelings about it, why didn't she make this clear at the start? Doesn't want you to babysit for 'a while'? I'd be changing that to 'never again'. Unless there's something missing here, she sounds odd, so I'd let her get on with looking after her own child, OP.

What if this child has soiled herself? Was the SIL expecting her to be left in her own mess all day? We are talking about a toddler here.

Obviously need to try and be sensitive here but don't accept blame.

out of interest are you aunty or uncle to the neice? Just because you haven’t mentioned if you are a mum or dad which shouldn’t matter but if you are dad maybe that’s why she got funny? She may have had things happened to her in the past? She might not feel that close to you? I mean she trusts you to look after her child So that says a lot but I guess you don’t know what goes on in peoples head.

It really does sound like the bath has triggered something from her past. However setting these boundaries before they are crossed is down to her and you shouldn't apologise for her lack of communication

@Janexxxx the OP is female, the aunt, as has been mentioned several times in the thread.

The child (niece) belongs to the OP's husband's brother and his partner.

I'd want to safeguard myself from someone so batshit. I'd be thinking there are possibilities of accusations and all sorts next time.

But maybe I know too many nutters.

The OP's third post says "To answer some questions I am female and SIL is my husbands brothers wife."

This ^ . I hope the rest of the family are careful too. She sounds really odd.

I had baths with my cousins when we were older than two. Nothing bad happened.