To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Award for the most ridiculous statement of the day 👏

This post had been running since Saturday, the third post confirms she's an aunt. Do you not think of looking at just OPs comments on day 3, just to catch up!

@Mothership4two sorry I disagree! I don't think l @potato57 is the most ridiculous comment of the day..... I think it gets most ridiculous comment of the thread!!

It would be weird if you weren't doing nappies!

Why?

Definitely don't be with her child AT ALL without another adult present! If you can't bathe her child then any touching, like bottom wiping, could be used as a weapon to accuse you of abuse. Plus there could be a situation where not bathing her was neglectful (say she suddenly got a very bad tummy and was covered in vomit). You don't want to be messing with a situation where you have to chose between neglecting the child or going against her mum's wishes.

Kids need to have normal interactions with adults to know what normal is. Lucky kid and parents to have a model of a healthy relationship.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, and neither would any of my friends or family.

Wouldn't put any photos in social media, beyond that, go for it.

Unless there's a serious backstory eg social services involvement, parent abused as a child etc, then this is just fine.

Maybe text or call first another time.

She is nuts. You either trust someone to look after your child or not, you have to trust them to do whatever is needed as part of caring for them. If she has some odd thing about no one bathing her child she should have made that clear at the start that under no circumstances can you bath her, change her or deal with her nappy / toileting. Although i have never heard of anyone doing this. I think you should be grateful not to be doing this anymore, she sounds like she has issues.

Perfect response. A little passive aggressive perhaps but completely warranted here.
SIL simply has no argument here considering toileting needs are carried out anyway. In general you shouldn't leave your child with someone who you don't trust 100%

I also think your sister in law is batshit. It’s also monumentally selfish to make you babysit all the time and think it’s somehow a favour to you. None of this is your fault. Making that very clear. Not your fault, and you don’t need to do any apologising or be the one to reach out. If anything, it’s time to speak to both her and either your brother or your husband (depending on how she’s a sister-in-law) about setting some boundaries.
i am wondering, however, if her reaction to the bath may be a trauma reaction. I read this last night, and what she did is so strange it has been mulling around in my mind ever since. Is it possible she herself was abused? It could be that there is an association. She may not even have a clear memory herself, but to me it sounds like the situation has triggered her and she is acting on instinct. That could be why there has been such a strange reaction.
Again, not your fault. But it could help to give context, and if anything it could show that no you didn’t do anything out of the ordinary or wrong. Whatever is going on, it’s about her.
Good luck, families are tricky but boundaries are always OK.
Take care 🙏

I wouldn’t apologize because you haven’t actually done anything wrong…
There may be some kind of inappropriate bath trauma from her childhood that she doesn’t speak about. Possibly she hadn’t even thought of it until that moment. Maybe diaper changes didn’t raise a flag for her but bath time with a relative brought back something bad. Avoid what some have suggested like, “obviously you’re fine with nappy changes” as that can come across as hostile. Something more like “I didn’t realize that would make you uncomfortable, I just didn’t want to send her home in a mess”. If you match her aggressive response with a strong defense it might create a larger divide between you, especially if there is something in her past that she doesn’t want to discuss. If she had a bad experience as a child it’s more likely that it was a knee jerk response from a protective mother and not about her not trusting you specifically.
Or I could be wrong and she’s just nuts. But I would approach her softly until you’re sure there’s not something else behind her response.

Even if SIL was a victim of abuse (but how would you know?), she is still responsible for her reactions especially towards a person who was doing her a favor and who loves her child. She can not expect that people cater to her needs just because she lived through something that they are not aware of.
I have a friend who had an abusive father and she once screamed at me for something I considered absolutely unreasonable. I didnt apologize and cut contact. She came to me, apologized and we fixed the problem.

You dont have to guess what her problem is and imagine abusive childhood. She could just be very territorial about her child.

Like you said, she could have just nicely asked you not to bath her child, but honestly with difficult people like this (and like my friend), I would be wary of what else they wouldnt like in the future. There could be other situations in the future, like you buying her something later on or inviting her to some event or whatever. My exSIL once told my son that they would go to her country for a visit (where my ex lives with a new woman who alienated him from our son). She thought it was ok, I didnt like it. But I was not rude to her as she was staying with my son.

@Anuta77 We’re not saying that at all. I’m not sure how it was read that way. We’re just saying the reaction is strange, and it sounds like it could be a trauma response. Understanding where behaviour might come from can help. No one has suggested the OP is at fault or needs to take responsibility for it, nor that it’s her job to play detective.

Should she also message her SIL every time she needs to change the child's nappy too and no doubt the sil would have been pissed to turn up to a messy child

@Glass113 You sound level-headed and truly lovely. I wish I had a DS or SIL like you.

I hope there’s a happy resolution in which no one asks you to apologise again (you have nothing to apologise for) and that your SIL can make peace with whatever it is that’s made her feel so uncomfortable.

I’d have texted back “ok”

Wait for her to realise she needs you to babysit.

When she asked I’d say “No. You made it clear you don’t trust me to look after your child. It’s best you find someone else”.

Has sil ever had your dc and changed a nappy?

You are not being unreasonable, I'd be extremely hurt and upset in your shoes. However family are tricky and it is really worth keeping relationships going, and its really great when cousins grow up together. If you can apologise, it is worth it, say it didnt occur to you that it'd be a problem (perhaps gently pointing out that you change nappies anyway), & that understand that everyone has different boundaries, and that obviously you would have asked if you'd understood her boundaries. Although you get something out of this - ie your child growing up with their cousin - it might be an idea to make sure you're not being used and think about your own boundaries. Hopefully she will realise she overreacted - but this is an incredibly sensitive topic so be forgiving and prepared for being flexible and a bit of time. I know a DIL never spoke to her MIL again for (in DIL's view) breaching similar boundaries which resulted in long term sadness and grief.

Which would be an excellent outcome!

Madness of sil

She trusts you to look after her child. Change her nappy etx

But goes apeshit at a bath when dirty

Agree don't look after her again till sil says sorry and she over reacted

I think that you did nothing wrong. Given that you change her nappy when her bottom is dirty, bathing her when the rest of her is dirty is just the same thing.
Even if it means your daughter missing out on time with her cousin, I would be reticent about babysitting again if she has levels of boundaries which are difficult to assess, even if they are valid (if she has been abused as a child in the bath for example).

You did nothing wrong, you're her aunt not a casual babysitter and I bet she enjoyed sharing her bath with your DC. Very odd reaction!

That's kind of what I meant.

If she is fine with you changing her nappy she should not have an issue with you bathing her. A bath could realistically have been necessary if she had had poo nami or gotten very muddy. Your SIL clearly has issues and think you are better off out of this. Of course your feelings are hurt but you need to remember that this is a reflection on her not on you

Does she expect you to help your niece with the toilet? Don’t see any difference. This is paranoia on a whole new level.