To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

In the culture I come from, bathing children together in the same bath is unheard of unless you were in a swimsuit and in large volumes of water. The reason behind is possibly that splashing about in each others dirty water is not encouraged as is not observing each others nakedness, no matter how young. Its just a culture thing. Baths, toilet lists are very private with strict decorum around it.

I used to have my nephew all the time and if he stayed over night he would want to hop in the bath with my daughter. Both the same age. The first few times I used to text my sister and ask if she was ok with it and she said yes and to not worry about asking in future.
I would feel hurt if my sister didn’t trust me to bathe him but I would respect that. I changed his nappies from birth and saw all he had to see so it was no different really! I feel there may be a back story to why she feels this way (not that you have done anything wrong) but I would probably try and discuss and apologise and just say “I’m sorry you feel I crossed a line, I should have asked first, I respect whatever reasons you may have and I won’t bathe her again” and hopefully things can go back to normal x

agree with this completely - not only looking after her child but so caring - its not weird and I bet her daughter had a lovely time. Please dont doubt yourself - this issue is hers x

As she's fine with you changing her nappies, I find it very strange she's not ok with you bathing her if its required. What if she was sick or had a particularly explosive bathroom episode? I'm sure if you sent her home covered in flour and icing sugar she wouldn't have been impressed either. Has to be some sort of trauma for your SIL or something, seems an excessive reaction to me.

Perfect!

I find that asking yourself’ would you give this same advice to a man?’ Is helpful.

I doubt people would be advising men that it’s their job to ‘take a big step forward’, ‘be the bigger person’ and keep the peace. I suspect the advice there would absolutely be to just not offer any more babysitting and leave her to sulk.

It isn’t creating conflict or being antagonistic to decide that you simply won’t bother helping someone out any longer because they’ve treated you poorly.

I'd reply 'so you'd rather of me left her covered in flour and icing? Ok then, I think it's best if you find alternative childcare for the future'

well they didn't NEED to make cakes in the first place.

@potato57

yeah it’s all OP’s fault. How dare she engage the child in a fun activity. She should have left her in the front of the TV so that she wouldn’t get messy.

🙄

I'd send:
Hi,
Yes I think it's best I don't babysit for you again, as I wouldn't want to be expected to watch a child I wasn't allowed to care for adequately.

(Ps, sorry you think I would harm your child. That your thoughts jump to that makes me question your motives and what you do when unsupervised, so you won't be around my child unsupervised in future)

You did the right thing bathing your niece.

CRAZY!

I feel sorry or you, I would be so upset if it were me, it alludes to things and mustn't feel nice. makes no sense as you change nappies. Anyway, just don;t babysit again and don;'t mother apologising, just pretend it never happened is my motto but I absolutely hate conflict

YANBU. She’s 2. You change her nappy regularly (I hope) when you babysit her and SIL has no issues with that, so why should bathing her be an issue.
When I used to babysit my niece for SIL I wouldn’t think twice about giving her a bath when she was covered in paint or food etc. I’d just let SIL know when she picked her up that she’s already bathed and in her PJ’s or her spares.

There was a situation once where MIL went to go to the bathroom and niece demanded to go with her and MIL let her in the bathroom with her. SIL saw it happen and kept her cool but later told MIL it was a firm boundary and didn’t want it happening again. Wasn’t mentioned again and didn’t happen again.
I bet if your SIL had turned up to your child sitting there pristine and her child covered in flour and icing she would have questioned why you didn’t bathe her.

She is crazy. She trusts you to change nappies. At a certain point might be weird eg over 7, or maybe if you had a DS of same age and her DD had never seen a penis. But given both girls of same age, totally odd.

I mean as a toddler I'm assuming still in nappies? So you've seen everything and cleaned her before. If you're safe enough to clean her with a wet wipe it makes no sense you're not safe enough to bath her. I'm kind of curious what SIL would expect you to do in the event of a nappy blow out, just wipe her down and hope for the best?

I'd be super petty if this happened to me, and next time I'm asked to watch her I'd say I'm not prepared to let her sit in a dirty nappy all day and since I can't be trusted with her naked I don't feel safe having her here without someone to supervise. Most parents wouldn't leave their kid with someone they didn't trust, so she either trusts you or doesn't, and if she doesn't why is she leaving her tot with you in the first place.

Is this a joke? It's gotta be

I may be a bit of a cow here, but next time I babysat I’d take them somewhere really muddy, let them get covered and then call SIL to say child desperately needs a bath so can she come and collect her and bathe her as your not allowed 🤣🤣

Gosh what a horrible thing to say to you!

I'd be really upset - what have other family members said?

I’d say most likely a trust issue, it might not even be an issue with you directly but somethings that’s happened in the past or with someone else.

SIL was probably caught off guard by it?

Personally, I wouldn’t bath someone else’s child (family or not) without checking first.. but I admittedly have trust issues around people bathing my children.

There wouldn't be a next time.

So strange. If she trusts you to change her DDs nappy then I can't fathom why she would be angry about the bath (unless as pps said she may have experienced CSA herself).

I would never let a male relative provide that sort of care to my DDs baths/nappy changes etc. but with a woman I would be so delighted that someone took over and did bath time as I hate that job so would be grateful.

wait it out, don't let things escalate and she should hopefully come to her senses and apologise/explain her reaction.

What about them changing their nappies?

I probably would have done the same (bathed them together) but this has obviously evoked a strong emotional response from your sil and has genuinely upset her and i think you should respect that, regardless of your own views and opinions, she is entitled to her opinion too and for whatever reason has been made to feel very uncomfortable by it. Everyone has different boundaries and values. A quick phone call to say sorry it upset her, you didnt realise she would be upset by it, that wasnt the intention and that you were simply looking after her child might be a good idea to move things forward. She might by now be feeling differently anyway and not know how to approach you. Lifes too short.

Exactly this, your SIL thinks of you as unpaid help, not family.