To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Absolutely do not EVER babysit for her kids again. God forbid, but she might make an allegation and that is life ruining stuff.

100% YANBU. If she's OK with you changing her nappy what difference is bathing really? Especially when you have a child similar age. I can't wrap my head around the whole change nappy but not bath stance. I'd be very hurt and feel like she was accusing me of being inappropriate. What's your brothers view on the situation as presumably he's sil husband? I would respond to her and say something along the lines of

I'm really sorry you feel I've crossed a boundary here, I was just acting in nieces best interest as she was mucky and didn't feel comfortable handing her back to you like that. I assumed that with me carrying out personal care to her when with me ie. Nappy changes, it wouldn't be all that different. Obviously I was wrong so I do apologise. However I'm very hurt by you lack of trust in me with niece and I feel its best maybe I don't look after her again. Sorry its come to this.

I note she also says "a while" too. So she can make you feel like s* over it until it suits her for you to babysit again. No thanks!

She’s crazy. I’d have been really grateful if you’d bathed my child and got her into some PJs. I look after my best friend’s DD every week and if they’re working later and I won’t be dropping her home till 7 or after, I bath her to save them doing it. They’re always really grateful. They also don’t mind me sticking her in the bath at “the witching hour” (4ish, when she starts to get fed up and a change of scenery helps her!)

You’re changing her nappies, which is a lot closer contact and much more personal care then her being in the bath so I honestly don’t see the issue!

I hope you’re ok, I’d find that very hurtful.

She sounds entitled, disrespectful and unreasonable. You make sure that once she has decided it’s time you can be trusted to look after her child again, that you let her know YOUR boundaries.

Did she say why?

OP didn't start this, SIL did. It's up to SIL to be "the bigger person" and think about "good relationships".
No way should OP be tying herself in knots when she is doing someone a favour.

ah you see @senua this is what I mean. We are all on this earth for a short time - what is the point having an ongoing row with a family member?

It is not tying yourself in knots to just step forward, accept someone else is clearly upset - even if you think they are totally unreasonable! - and mend some bridges.

honestly think so much anger and resentment builds up when people hold on to being 'right' rather than just letting things go.

Wow this is unbelievable. You did nothing wrong! you cared for the child and bathed them (a kind thing to do) when they needed washed. Don't feel bad, it's her issue, not yours x

She's cray cray.

If the child had a poonami, would she not want you to bathe her then either?

Tell Karen to find alternative childcare.

what is the point having an ongoing row with a family member?
It's not an "ongoing row"; they are still meeting up as a family for Mothering Sunday. It's just that OP is no longer babysitting - it was SIL's suggestion and OP is complying.
And, apparently, even that is wrong.

Alternatively SiL could be the one to apologise for being unreasonable and implying the OP was likely to molest her daughter. For the sake of family relationships.

Totally normal thing to do. Anytime I’ve babysat friends kids either overnight or just before bed time I’ve always had them bathed & jammies on because they always end up filthy from playing - it’s part of caring for children!! . Normal people are happy and greatful you have saved them a job!!! Clearly your SIL being weird!

That’s absurd!

Taking care of her niece will include playing with her, feeding her, changing her nappies and a whole host of other things. All things that could be described as “mothering.” Therefore by your logic nobody should ever be looking after OP’s niece apart from her mother because the only other option is to neglect the child should they God forbid offend her by crossing the “mothering” line.

Absolute precious nonsense

Her idea of normal is skewed, for whatever reason. It is on her, though, to explain this in advance to people and not expect them to be mind readers. She doesn't have to say why she doesn't want her DD bathed, but she does have to recognise that her boundaries are different to the norm and take ownership of that by communicating it.

OP you did nothing wrong. If the conversation does open up though I would be kind to her. I would also want her to clarify things like covered in poo vs bathed?

but shes changing nappies. Whats the difference.

In this day an age parents are super worried (with good rights) but u change her nappy 🤔 I think she could of handled it abit better and maybe said in future please not to as she's not comfortable her daughter being in a vulnerable position with anyone but mum/dad, and I also would of rung to check first now adays

I wouldn't want anybody to bath my child either just me/dad and then there's no risk of mixed messages or confusing things said, ie my daughters clothes stay on end of instead of stay on except this time etc or with this person etc but I am a worryer

Well you SIL has just lost her babysitter hasn’t she

no more child free time for her!

her lookout

Your SIL is being ridiculous. Often when my sister has my DD (5) I’ll ask her to bathe her if I won’t be back until a bit later than planned. When I have her DS (4) and DD (2) I will bathe them all if she’ll be later than expected too. Often times, the kids just want to have a bath together and splash so we’ll just run a bath at some point during the day and let them splash and play. The only thing I do now that DD is a bit older is ensure all kids wear underwear in the bath and my sister does the same.

ETA: I also have 2 nephews and a niece, and my SIL (their mom) will oftentimes send spare clothes with them when they’re coming to my house so they can grab a bath as they only have a shower in their home. Likewise, my daughter enjoys a shower sometimes and will ask to have one at their house if they’ve been out playing in the muck etc.

You’re not being unreasonable and neither is she. I wouldn’t like my SIL to give my daughter a bath but I also know that’s on me and it wouldn’t be an unreasonable thing to expect another mother to do

@Lucy377

this! You can’t look after a small child well without doing a fair degree of ‘mothering’ type activity

You weren’t being unreasonable although I would probably have messaged first to check if she wanted you to give her DD a bath.

Reading your post makes me think she may have had some traumatic experiences and this has in some way reminded her. I think her reaction is more about her own experiences than you. It’s a shame you’ve bore the brunt but I’d try not to be too bullish with her about it.

You did nothing wrong. You change her nappy and presumably her clothes if necessary, so how is a bath crossing a boundary? Honestly can't see your SIL's logic, would she have preferred you hand her child over messy and covered in flour? You've been doing her a favour by babysitting and did her a further favour by getting her child ready for bed, and she insults you by implying you've done something wrong, no there's something wrong with her and I'd never agree to babysit for her again if I were you.

You don't think it's unreasonable to ban OP from babysitting?

You sound lovely, she sounds nuts. Hold your head high. You did exactly what most mothers would do in those circumstances!