To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this now. You did nothing wrong. I would be surprised if there isn’t some story in her history about being molested in a bathtub. Something very similar happened in my family with someone flying off the rails because children were given a bath and it turns out the mom was molested as a child at the very same age her children were when they were given said bath. She was triggered and lost her sh*t quite unfairly on the bath giver. Your SIL got some traumatic childhood history is my guess. Not your fault.

Genuine question - why?

This is ridiculous. If she was going to do anything "untowards" she could do it anytime as she's often looking after her unsupervised. And if SIL is ok with you changing nappies, but think a bath is unacceptable don't look after her kids ever again. She's completely unhinged!!

I don’t get how she is happy for you to change the child's bum and help with toileting but bathing the child in the company of another is not ok? I would want an explanation and would tell her you are sad she does not trust you and as such you will no longer be able to babysit.

What questions has it raised? What's going through yours and SIL mind? Sexual abuse?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. This is unreasonable behaviour from your SIL given that the children are 2 years old and your niece is left in your care regularly. She needed cleaning up just as she often needs nappy changes as you’ve said. It’s you who has been doing the favours not the other way around. However, I’m assuming something really triggered a trauma for your SIL leading her to behave seemingly irrationally. Therefore I’d tread carefully and with understanding that there’s a back story. What did your partner, her brother think about it?

You are a saint judging by your replies. Don't apologise. Don't babysit again. Smile and nod. She's a fruitloop.

I don't see the issue at all, she's a toddler so presumably you help her with the toilet etc & wipe her bum if she needs it. Don't see much difference with the bath. SIL either very weird or has past trauma.

I do not in anyway think you’ve been unreasonable. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that any of my in laws or sisters would have had an issue with me bathing their kids when they were smaller. I would also appreciate someone handing me back a freshly bathed toddler at 18:30, because there’s no way I’d have had time to bathe them when I got home.

Moreover, she was running late and therefore interfering with your evening routine. You needed to bathe your child, what were you supposed to do with hers when tending to your own child in the bath?

She should definitely be apologising for insinuating you’ve overstepped. A simple, “Would you mind not bathing DD in future please? I love coming home and doing bath time, it’s our way of reconnecting when I’ve been at work and I haven’t missed a bath time yet (this is one of the reasons I don’t let her stay out)”, or something along those lines would have been more appropriate. There very well may be a backstory, but you cannot pick and choose which elements of childcare are given. If DN and DC were playing in the paddling pool over summer would she expect you to leave DN in clothes? Of course not, she’d expect her to be put in appropriate swim wear.

When a caregiver is entrusted to look after someone’s child all day there is no such boundary. A nappy has to be changed, a dirty nappy change is more invasive than a bath IMHO, especially on girls. (I’m a nanny, when I bathe toddlers I don’t sponge clean them, I give them a cloth and direct them how to wash themselves, if their bits need cleaning I use the shower head/jug of warm water.)

Accidents and messes happen, baths are sometimes needed for simple hygiene purposes. If someone had told me I’m not allowed to put their toddler in a bath when needed (IE. if they were covered in food, paint, fell over in mud, were sick or had an especially messy nappy) I simply would refuse to look after the child.

The SIL is being incredibly ungrateful and irrational. If something happened in the past and she has unresolved trauma she should’ve discussed the with OP prior to the childcare agreement commencing. Right now , after all the kindness and patience OP has shown (free childcare), all SIL can do is indirectly accusing OP of having done something inappropriate to her niece. I would withdraw any future offer of childcare immediately.

I think that's lovely to do, personally I'd probably message quickly fo ask if it was ok xx

There was still enough time for a bedtime routine surely?
Mum guilt or not, she shouldn’t be taking it out on her SIL who’s doing her a massive favour.

My DiL was appalled when I took her two DC home in their pyjamas. We had been out in the garden playing in the sandpit. It was a hot day and it seemed to me to be a good idea to give them a bath (which they enjoyed) and get them ready for bed before taking them home.

Your MIL is an ass for expecting you to apologise.
Your SIL has more deep seated issues to worry about than you bathing her child.
Your actions are perfectly normal,reasonable and sensible. And i bet the kids loved having bathtime together. I remember it with friends,relatives as a little kid, great fun. YADNBU.

Errrmm! She sent the text in the morning. It's right there in the OP. SIL is a weirdo . People really need to stop making excuses for people that are just rude and users. She could have bathed the child again when she got home. It's a total load of shite.

Bull, she is an ass.

I never said she was known to be entitled and rude?? Confused why you said that part?? Although Im not sure how just because OP is close to her niece & is trusted to look after her that demonstrates that OP isn’t entitled and rude anyway 🤔😂

She sounds absolutely nuts , you change her Nappy but bathing her is unreasonable her logic makes no sense at all does she have ppd or anxiety because her reaction is really odd and completely ott

I wonder what your SIL would have said if you’d just handed her back all filthy

I hope that you have a strategy in place, OP, for when SIL comes crawling back or tries to put you on the spot with a request for an 'emergency' babysit.
You need to make sure that DH and his brother are on your side. You need to convince MIL, too. And make sure that you have arrangements (other people) in place so that you never need to ask SIL for babysitting.

SIL is panicking now because she had no idea that by being so OTT with you it would result in Free Friday Childcare being withdrawn and it serves her right. Stand your ground! If you're good enough to provide free childcare for a whole day on a regular basis, of course you should be fine to bathe her if necessary (particularly alongside your own DD!). And hell would freeze over before I'd cave to MIL!

What did her dh say when confronted by his brother ?

Come on OP, what’s the latest? If SIL hasn’t contacted you to explain her behaviour then she clearly doesn’t value you (or your family dynamics) at all. Please don’t tell me you’ve caved and apologised….

The SiL has given an explanation as to why she behaved the way she did - take a look at all of the OP's posts.

I think, if the SiL has a backstory from her youth, then that is her issue to resolve and seek help for. She should not be projecting it onto her child. She trusted her SiL (the OP) to look after her child and change nappies and feed and clean her child. Sometimes, that might involve a head to toe clean (i.e. a bath). The SiL has commented that she didn't want her child in a bath with the child's cousin (the OP's own child). That is what the issue is.

@Glass113 - do you mind me asking if this child is your SiL's first child? She's definitely showing all of the hallmarks of being a PFB and SiL is more than a little delulu about the whole situation.
I really hope you haven't caved and apologised (you have nothing to apologise for and on that point MiL can feck off and should not be sticking her oar in).

For sake of peace and family relationships - sometimes it's okay to step forward and be the bigger person - call her and say you are genuinely sorry she is upset and going forward you now know - and can she please be clearer about boundaries in future.

Sometimes I find Mumsnet so ludicrously antagonistic - what benefit is there to being 'right' but then not having good relationships with your close family.