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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bathed my niece?

991 replies

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 13:40

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

OP posts:
6pence · 04/03/2024 21:07

Even if niece was totally clean, she was late being picked up. Was the op supposed to delay her own dd’s bedtime routine to accommodate sils tardiness? She couldn’t put her own dd in the bath, supervise her and at the same time supervise dn running around playing. The safest and most sensible thing would be to pop her in the bath too, to have fun splashing around. Otherwise the favour becomes onerous.

The sil has to be flexible if someone is doing her a favour. Why should the op be put out and dd late to bed because sil is late?

Original poster
Glass113 · 04/03/2024 21:16

Doratheexplorer1 · 04/03/2024 21:07

I’m 100% sure there’s a backstory with her and I think I can accurately guess it’s some sort of child abuse (herself) and the bath was a trigger. It makes no sense that you change the little ones nappy but she objects to you giving little one a bath. Which makes me think it’s nothing to do with the baby and it’s to do with her own experience of abuse as a child with specifics around being in the bath possibly at a similar age. Qualification: I grew up in a house where one parent was a paedophile. My sister was badly abused and she is exactly like your SIL. Some things are not a problem - others she goes berserk at. It makes no sense to anyone but her.

You absolutely did nothing wrong. I would just say okay and let your SIL figure it out for herself. She can rationalise that you are a million percent trustworthy but the part of her brain that (may be) an abused child thinks you over stepped a boundary. You didn’t. It’s her mind working against her.

For what it’s worth I think it’s lovely that you’re so caring towards her little one. She’s lucky to have you and ironically if she is a child abuse survivor she needs people like you - who she knows deep down she can thoroughly trust to help her come to terms with whatever has happened to make her feel triggered over you bathing her child.

♥️

Other people have eluded to similar but that post has really hit home and I would feel terrible if was something along those lines. I'm going to let the dust settle and see if she comes to me.

As it stands we have plans to see that side of the family the Saturday of Mothers Day weekend so we will see how that goes.

OP posts:
MixedCouple · 04/03/2024 21:28

I have bathed my nieces and nephews take them to the toilet etc and I only see them rarely!

Veyr bizzare reaction. You did nothing wrong. Thats not nice your daughter wont get to spend time with her cousin. Give it space maybe your brother or SiL will come clean about the reaction.

LindaDawn · 04/03/2024 21:30

Please dont feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. Your SIL is the one here who is at fault.

Bunnie007 · 04/03/2024 21:33

She’s been absolutely unfair to make you feel bad for doing something 100% normal! I would explain that you now feel uncomfortable and will no longer offer child care. I hate drama but I also think that your SIL sounds extremely odd and I never look after people’s children if I think there will be ‘issues’ for example what they are allowed to eat etc I think you’d be on edge after this every time you babysat her

NotARealWookiie · 04/03/2024 21:34

You were fine OP. She trusts you to change nappies and look after her, she’d clearly had s great time and you needed to bath the sticky mess out of her hair. I’m not sure what line you’ve crossed to be honest.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2024 22:01

Glass113 · 03/03/2024 21:34

So to update, DH met up with his brother today. BIL said that SIL came home upset Friday and told him what had happened. Apparently BIL told her it wasn't a big deal and nothing to worry about. He wasn't aware that she text me Saturday and said no more babysitting.

BIL said oh it will just blow over but DH told him that I wouldn't be comfortable babysitting regularly anymore and would just be in emergencies etc.

This all must have got back to MIL who rang me earlier and asked me to just apologise to avoid any tension in the family. I said if SIL wants to ring me then I'm happy to chat about it and put it behind us. I haven't heard another peep from SIL.

MiL can get knotted.

Doone22 · 04/03/2024 22:16

GiantFootTinyHead · 02/03/2024 13:43

It wouldn’t bother me but it obviously bothers SIL, just apologise for overstepping and say it won’t happen again.
She entitled to her views and feelings about this, regardless of how we may think it’s not a big deal.

No thatsbollox. The woman is clearly insane and up her own arse in a huge way. No way should anyone apologise to her for acting like a normal child carer.
It's not like she's a stranger off the street.
Personal care is part of childcare. Otherwise you are guilty of neglect.

Blinky21 · 04/03/2024 22:17

If she is triggered by something as commonplace as this, surely the BIL would understand as you'd think this kind of anxiety about her child would also manifest in her other behaviours. But he seems to think she's making a big deal of it also

Annonmous · 04/03/2024 22:17

I see both points
On one hand I’d be grateful you took the initiative but on the other I’d prefer a heads up..
Shes deffo over reacting but I wouldn’t follow the advise some ppl have given on the comments, it’ll only make things worse.
You’ve got to think about your relationship with your niece. It’s really difficult but you have to do what’s best for the child.
If you fall out with your SIL it could affect your relationship with your niece. It could also affect your child’s relationship with your niece if they suddenly stop seeing each other.
As shit as it is I’d reach out, explain your side and apologise. If all goes well I’d have a conversation about boundaries before you babysit again.
I agree it’s batshit but if it’s how she feels ultimately you have to respect her feelings as your nieces parent.

Doone22 · 04/03/2024 22:19

wherethemoon · 02/03/2024 13:49

I'm with your SIL - I think you shouldn't have done that without asking first.

You're a weirdo too then. How can it be terrible to clean a child's body but ok if it's their bum?

Doone22 · 04/03/2024 22:21

Actually please do carry on babysitting just so you can send her child back to her covered in shit from head to toe without any attempt to clean her

Hijabimama · 04/03/2024 22:36

She’s done you a favour. Hope she finds herself childcare soon then I guess.

BadBarry · 04/03/2024 22:39

Just to reiterate what @Doratheexplorer1 has said.
I can personally relate to that scenario and why a bath particularly for me would be a no no where a nappy change wouldn't affect me.
I'm glad you are going to face it sensitivity, you sound lovely and caring but some people take advantage and it's scary when it's happened to you attempting to trust, she may not have even told BIL.
My husband on the other hand would know instantly why I'd be upset.

harpsichordcarrier · 04/03/2024 22:50

She has been incredibly rude and ungrateful and frankly insulted you. She sounds selfish and I honestly would not give her another moment's thought. Someone with such disregard for your feelings genuinely isn't worth bothering with.
I understand she may have boundaries - well then she should have communicated them to you, then you wouldn't have breached them. This is 100% on her.
She was clearly upset about it, I understand that, but she's being unreasonable and hurtful by basically implying you had an inappropriate motivation. If she was a decent human she would have gone home and thought, oh I was rude and hurtful and my reaction was wrong I had better apologise. Then she could say 'sorry it's because of something in my past.'
Just move on. I absolutely wouldn't babysit ever again. Let her sort herself out.

Headinthesand21 · 04/03/2024 22:51

JoFrances · 04/03/2024 20:17

Hi,

Everyone is very quick to jump on SIL and accuse her of having issues to do with the OP performing intimate tasks - this clearly isn't the issue as she changes nappies etc. Without knowing WHY the SIL is upset there's no way we can judge. Her message was short and abrupt and upsetting but we don't know SIL's emotional state when she wrote it.

She'd had an extra long day at work, she was probably shattered, she probably carries a ton of mum guilt for not being there to look after her little girl. Maybe the 60 minute bath and bed routine was a small slice of the day that she looked forward to and cherished.

Her delivery of her feelings was off, but I think, especially given that this is a family member, you should take a deep breath, say you're sorry she was upset about the bath but you're confused as to what the problem is and you don't want there to be any bad feelings between you two.

Life is too short to get angry at people who sent a curt text at the end of a long day!

Edited

Sorry but this is ridiculous

SIL clearly trusts OP to change little ones nappy and look after her. She bathed her because little one got messy after a fun activity. This is what a caring, normal parent or carer would do. To leave a child messy would be neglectful.

SIL going off on one is both totally unreasonable and very hurtful. It’s on her to apologize. Being tired etc is absolutely no excuse to treat people appallingly. Agree that sorting out a (?) valued relationship is worth the effort, but OP has nothing to apologize for.

TuesdayQ · 04/03/2024 22:53

Surely you're doing her a favour? I'd be saying that, as she clearly doesn't trust you, you think it would be preferable for her to seek alternative (free?!) childcare on Fridays.

FirstTimeMum897 · 04/03/2024 22:55

Past abuse does not excuse being shitty to a relative doing you a massive favour. Surely someone like that would a) not entrust care to a relative and/or b) have made boundaries clear already. It's not for the OP to assume everyone has been sexually abused. Bathing cousins when you’re baby sitting them is perfectly normal.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/03/2024 22:56

wherethemoon · 02/03/2024 13:49

I'm with your SIL - I think you shouldn't have done that without asking first.

But why?

saraclara · 04/03/2024 23:00

I don't get it. Changing a 2 year old girl's nappy is far more intimate care than popping her in the bath. So I can't see why, if the SIL has a history that's affecting her response, she's okay with OP changing nappies.

ItsAllAboutTheDosh · 04/03/2024 23:44

@saraclara because changing nappies needs to happen. Whereas the bath was unnecessary so has raised questions.

Tourmalines · 04/03/2024 23:54

If she was so upset that you bathed her child and has serious issues with it , surely that is something she should have said before you started babysitting at all, you would think .

allhailthebrain · 05/03/2024 00:03

Got to say I would feel upset too - it's how she handled it that's the issue here. She could easily have come to you in person and said look, I know this is kind of my issue but I'm not keen on... is it ok if you just leave the cleanup to me, and I accept that might mean picking up a messy kid sometimes? That would have been very different.

I wouldn't be doing any more free babysitting either. Leaving the ball in her court is the right thing to do - well done you for standing your ground. You did nothing wrong - I would have been grateful!

Waitingforsomethinginteresting · 05/03/2024 00:07

Annonmous · 04/03/2024 22:17

I see both points
On one hand I’d be grateful you took the initiative but on the other I’d prefer a heads up..
Shes deffo over reacting but I wouldn’t follow the advise some ppl have given on the comments, it’ll only make things worse.
You’ve got to think about your relationship with your niece. It’s really difficult but you have to do what’s best for the child.
If you fall out with your SIL it could affect your relationship with your niece. It could also affect your child’s relationship with your niece if they suddenly stop seeing each other.
As shit as it is I’d reach out, explain your side and apologise. If all goes well I’d have a conversation about boundaries before you babysit again.
I agree it’s batshit but if it’s how she feels ultimately you have to respect her feelings as your nieces parent.

I don't understand why Op should bend over backwards to respect SIL when there's obviously no reciprocation from SIL.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/03/2024 00:48

I don't think you should look after her kid anymore until she's old enough to not need bathing or nappy changing during the day. Even then you might not want to if the Mum is so fussy. Was she upset the kid's clothes were dirty? She'd have to wash them anyway!

This person is clearly having weird boundaries. Did she want you to return the child covered in muck, with a soiled nappy?

The whole thing seems like a right pain in the arse.