To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Your sil is bat shit crazy!!! We had a maintenance crew visit us to quote for work we needed doing we have a pool well it’s currently a pond anyway the boss had his 6 year old in the car while he quoted and while that was fine to start with she exited the second she saw our puppy walk around the house next thing she’s in the pool like fully in the pool backstroke style she comes out with frog spawn in her hair so I bathed her washed her hair dried it plaited it and dressed her as best I could from clean clothes while hers washed and sort of dried on the wash dry cycle her mom phoned me to thank me for the trouble and next morning I had flowers arrive I’ve never met the mom but as a mom I looked out for her child and her schedule it’s what moms do your sil is weird

She's being ridiculous. Either she trusts you to look after your child or she doesn't!

You can change a nappy, but not bathe her? Where's the logic?

What if the weather was nice and they'd been in a paddling pool and had a rinse off afterwards, or had a toileting accident and needed help changing?

My child is older (7) and at an age where its perhaps less appropriate to bathe with others, but even last summer she went to a playdate and they changed in to cossies and changed afterwards, and my daughter unfortunately had an accident, and I was very grateful to the other mum, who I like, but don't know fantastically well beyond 2 years of school gate chat, for helping her change and not making a big deal out of it.

Likewise, if I'm out with friends and their similar aged kids, we take each others kids to the loo as needed and there's never been any question about trust or appropriateness. I'd be more worried if someone was a friend and we spent a lot of time with each others kids and they didn't trust me with that sort of thing as I think it speaks volumes. The kids have privacy, but help on hand as needed.

I just can't see why she has a problem with her having a splash in the bath with your child if you are trusted enough for regular (free) childcare, you are family, and ultimately were doing her a favour (with both the childcare and returning a clean and happy child to her). You've done absolutely nothing wrong, or even slightly questionable, so leave her be, she's being weird.

Gosh blimey, my sil has definitely bathed both my kids, as have both sets of grandparents

Your sister in law needs to have a word with herself.
Strange behaviour. I wish I had a SIL who wants to have my child.

Your SIL is absolutely bonkers. So you're trusted to have her daughter which means that while she's in your care, you decide what's best for her so this time it included cleaning her in the bath.

I'd be utterly grateful. At 2, after a busy day like that and a warm bath all snuggly in clean jarmies she's likely to fall asleep in the car on the way home... Bonus! 😂

That’s crazy, if one of my kids aunties had bathed my kids I’d just have been grateful! Is there something from her past or something that freaks her out about it. It’s a very helpful thing to do!!

Yes this was my thought too as per my comment above

I never said any of it made sense. Quite the opposite. The circumstances, as you said yourself, for the SIL to be happy and no issues at all to then suddenly take this stance suggests something isnt right here.

OP made it clear that, as far as she was concerned, all was fine prior to the event and she didnt even concider it would be an issue.

There is always 2 sides to every story and for that reason I have and still suggest OP handle the situation with care which it seems she is doing.

If SIL is known for being entitled and rude then fair enough but thats not the impression given. Surley that is demonstrated in the fact she is so close to her DN and OP is trusted to look after her alone.

I think sis and mil are both missing the point entirely in that you are extremely kind looking after your niece. It is really rude of her to text you in the way that she has. Embarrassingly rude. If you were my sister in law and had been looking after my 2 year old, for free and not to mention making sure they had a lovely time baking and then made her ready for bed ie bath and pj's I would have worshiped the ground you walk on. I would have been beyond grateful and next friday would have brought you flowers/wine/chocolate and been massively thankful.

@Glass113 💐

No you didn't, you made sure she had a lovely time then go get ready for bed, she is over reacting. I would be well chuffed if that was me after a long day

Hi,

Everyone is very quick to jump on SIL and accuse her of having issues to do with the OP performing intimate tasks - this clearly isn't the issue as she changes nappies etc. Without knowing WHY the SIL is upset there's no way we can judge. Her message was short and abrupt and upsetting but we don't know SIL's emotional state when she wrote it.

She'd had an extra long day at work, she was probably shattered, she probably carries a ton of mum guilt for not being there to look after her little girl. Maybe the 60 minute bath and bed routine was a small slice of the day that she looked forward to and cherished.

Her delivery of her feelings was off, but I think, especially given that this is a family member, you should take a deep breath, say you're sorry she was upset about the bath but you're confused as to what the problem is and you don't want there to be any bad feelings between you two.

Life is too short to get angry at people who sent a curt text at the end of a long day!

You’re trusted and asked to change nappies every week, but suddenly you’re made to feel like you’re in the wrong for bathing her?

Wow. She’s either a real piece of work or needs some help

Absolutely this. Plus, no more free childcare, what a nerve!

All SIL had to say was something like “thanks so much for having DN today. I’m sure they had fun baking. Please don’t bathe her next time, as I like to do it myself at home”. That would have enforced her “boundaries” and not been so offensive.
Her text was completely ridiculous and rude.

SIL has had more than enough time to reflect and rectify her message.

She'd had an extra long day at work, she was probably shattered, she probably carries a ton of mum guilt for not being there to look after her little girl. Maybe the 60 minute bath and bed routine was a small slice of the day that she looked forward to and cherished.

So bath her again if it's that big a deal?

I don't see where she is coming from at all unless she has some history which has triggered her, in that case I would have some empathy. However, when you are changing the child's nappy I don't see how bathing is crossing a line, I think it could be crossing a line if it was an older child but not a toddler who's nappy you change. It sounds like you facilitated a really fun afternoon for your DD and DN and considerately sent DN home clean, I would be nothing but gratefull if a family member had done this for my toddler.

In a nut shell, a child would need a shower if it p**ped itself or vomited, or had diarrhoea. Whats the issue??????????

@JoFrances

Life is too short to get angry at people who sent a curt text at the end of a long day!

It's now three days later (presumably she's calmed down) and SIL has not responded to the OP and knows she has caused a problem within the family - and her OH and BIL are telling her they disagree with her. OP has given reasonable responses and has been very considerate under the circumstances. - she has also left the door open saying she is happy to have a chat with her about it. SIL sent a curt text to the person who has been doing them a favour on an ongoing basis and is doing nothing to rectify it. OP sounds more hurt than angry. OP and her OH are doing the right thing IMO to refuse to look after the LO to protect themselves from other things SIL may accuse them of.

Mental from SIL. My friend looks after my toddler quite a lot of she has one the same age who’s an only child. I’m EXTREMELY grateful for the free childcare and I never mind if she baths him… saves me doing it and the toddlers love it!

Many years ago before o had my own kids I used to babysit my nephew. Usually in school holidays. He was only a baby and one time he came to me he had an obvious sickness and runs type thing. I had to bathe him and wash his clothes and also had to go out and buy extra nappies. My SIL was thankful and there were no issues. I can’t see why some people are happy to leave children with relatives but not happy when they’ve ended up giving them a bath. There’s been a few posts on here recently. If you trust family enough to leave them with them for the day then surely baths wouldn’t be blurring the lines. Mine have stayed over at SILs when they were younger and often got chucked in the bath with their cousins.

Let’s start taking bets. sil will not ask for babysitting this Friday but deffo next Friday

Tell her fuck off the ungrateful stupid old cow

Blimey! I am always grateful when someone else gives my DC a bath when babysitting! Saves me a job! If you use family, I kind of expect a family feel to the caring. It’s not the same as going to a nursery or childminders.

I think you’ve made the right call to say you won’t babysit anymore.

I’m 100% sure there’s a backstory with her and I think I can accurately guess it’s some sort of child abuse (herself) and the bath was a trigger. It makes no sense that you change the little ones nappy but she objects to you giving little one a bath. Which makes me think it’s nothing to do with the baby and it’s to do with her own experience of abuse as a child with specifics around being in the bath possibly at a similar age. Qualification: I grew up in a house where one parent was a paedophile. My sister was badly abused and she is exactly like your SIL. Some things are not a problem - others she goes berserk at. It makes no sense to anyone but her.

You absolutely did nothing wrong. I would just say okay and let your SIL figure it out for herself. She can rationalise that you are a million percent trustworthy but the part of her brain that (may be) an abused child thinks you over stepped a boundary. You didn’t. It’s her mind working against her.

For what it’s worth I think it’s lovely that you’re so caring towards her little one. She’s lucky to have you and ironically if she is a child abuse survivor she needs people like you - who she knows deep down she can thoroughly trust to help her come to terms with whatever has happened to make her feel triggered over you bathing her child.

♥️