To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

I just want to point out that for a site where people are so focused on women’s rights and violence towards women, there’s surprisingly little grace for the SIL in this story who may have been through a traumatic experience herself.

I initially said the situation sounded quite absurd, but the more I think about it, the more I think we could stand to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is clearly disproportionately distressed by an innocent situation. It suggests that something might have happened to her or someone close to her, or she struggles with anxiety and distrust.

But no by all means let’s get our pitchforks out for the ‘batshit’ and ‘pathetic’ SIL.

She is allowing OP to CHANGE HER CHILD'S NAPPY THOUGH.

I agreed with you till you said ‘apologise for overstepping a boundary’

I agree a text saying ‘I’m sorry I upset you, my only intention was to ever look after your DC like I would my own!’
that’s an apology to keep the peace within a family…. But totally disagree with saying OP had overstepped as she hadn’t, and the SIL could’ve been much more polite in her asking if OP not to bathe her kid…

I’m a huge doormat people pleaser, and always end up apologising when I’m not in the wrong… and always regret it later because it gets back to me that I apologised and admitted I was wrong!

Maybe something has happened to the OP? Like everyone being ride to her and then she's expected to apologise to them for their bad behaviour?

Maybe, she's found herself being a people pleaser and sought therapy and is establishing boundaries, and ensuring that they're not crossed?

As the saying goes, put on your own oxygen mask first.....

What? She is your niece - family? That’s weird. -

So why do you think OP did it then? Why do a needless activity and make more work for yourself? For some nefarious reason? Most obvious reason is she thought it was necessary and would be the easiest and probably most efficient way to get them clean (and possibly it was another thing to do that they would enjoy). She also possibly thought that, as the SIL was collecting the child in the evening, she was doing her a favour having an early bath.

I volunteered at DS's nursery many times and during messy activities they were very careful to protect clothes, ration out the messy items and try to keep the mess to a minimum. I expect parents and family members are more relaxed about those type of activities at home (I was) and occasionally mine did get plastered and get some in their hair.

Whatever you or I or anyone else on here thinks, OP thought, at the time, that she was doing the right thing and wasn't expecting her SIL to have an issue with it. People on here can nit pick all they like but she had a valid reason and, in no way, an outrageous one.

i can’t believe we’ve got a ‘I thought this site is about women’s rights; why can’t you harpies just be kind?’ argument here.

actually I can. but that is why the MN advice of don’t be a doormat and contort yourself to make everyon else
more comfortable is so important.

Just because the room behaviour comes
from another woman here, doesn’t make it the OP’s job to repair the situation.

Ask mil if she meant to ask sil to do the apologising...

The fact that SIL had a problem with her DD getting a bath is a side issue, the main one is how she has reacted since. Getting the hump, not responding and withholding the privilege of OP looking after her precious niece. If she had explained at the time that she would rather OP didn't bath her from now on, then OP would have taken this on board and there wouldn't be a problem.

I wouldn’t let someone babysit my child that I didn’t trust to bathe them. She sounds like a nutcase.

Oh flipping heck some people are so ungrateful! Feel childcare and still a complaint. My best friend and myself have 5 daughters between us,kids often get bathed together if they've done something messy ha. We must be animals 🤣
Kids get dirty,kids get bathed. No big deal! Pick up and its - Oh she's in pj again? Take it they got filthy 🤣🤣

I would be upset if my 2 yo got covered in stuff and they washed their own child and didn’t wash mine! YANBU x

@Glass113
I have been following your thread since it started and am writing to say how in awe I am of the reply you sent to your SIL. Talk about tact and diplomacy! You should be working for the FCDO! Stating your understanding of the situation clearly and not casting blame or sh*t-stirring (unlike your SIL).
I hope your BIL and MIL calm down and apply consideration to the position you are in, and the care with which you have handled it.
And I hope your DD and DN are able to continue having fun together in the future.

More power to your diplomatic elbow!

She’s definitely a little odd.
Ive bathed many small children who’ve been at my house when my children were having a bath and NEVER had issues.
Ive also had teenagers have showers and stuff at my home (obviously not needing my help) when things have been difficult at home for them and only ever had gratitude off parents.
If anything traumatic had happened to the mum of the child in the past then the time to say she would be uncomfortable with you doing such things was when she first left her child in your care.

Exactly this. I would have been delighted when mine were that age.

OP, don't you dare apologise. Your SIL is being an offensive twat. I'd be more likely to demand that she explains exactly what she is accusing you of being. Then watch her squirm.

I have babysat my niece similarly weekly then school holidays for 8 years & always have bathed, nappy changed & toileted her. I also babysit a friends kids & regularly bath them as and when needed.
It is not weird & I'd be massively offended you can only semi trust me to babysit.

Funny how she says she doesn't want to babysit for awhile. When she does ask again I'd be petty af and say sorry I can't, I've put boundaries in place where I don't look after other people's children for free!

There is no way I would like after any of your SIL's DCs again. I do not like what she is implying. I would protect myself and not leave myself open to the imaginings of her seedy mind. No good deed goes unpunished.

She's way out of line. My aunt and uncle used to take me out regularly, I vaguely remember the days out to a park. My aunt said thar they often had to take me back to theirs (was going back anyway) bathe me and wash my clothes before my mum came to get me because I got so messy 🤣 you are absolutely not being unreasonable OP you were being a caring aunt. Sil needs to get help.

Your sister in law in unreasonable AF. What boundary does she think you've crossed? I used to baby sit my nephew ,if he got messy I changed him and bathed him. Is she wondering about abuse? In which case she shouldn't be leaving her kid with ANYONE. What a strange woman.

No bloody way would I be continuing to provide any childcare, never mind free, after this.

I would be fucking furious and deeply insulted at the implication.

Let her reap what she sows.

Actually this is very true! A poonami etc would mean that bathing wax required (as well as cleaning up after cake making)

But SIL is fine with OP changing her nappy?? That logic makes zero sense that it’s her own CA reasons that she doesn’t want someone touching her child in that way!! If it was an older child who went to toilet themselves then I’d say yea that’s likely the reasons for her reaction but not when she’s been changing her nieces nappy all the times she’s babysat her! I’m sure she’s at some stage had to completely change her nieces clothes in the past 2 years so why was bathing her any different? If OP has been trusted all this time to do what’s needed to be done with a baby/toddler as she would with her own then SIL needs to apologise to OP. OP can say she’s sorry for not checking but never even dreamt it would be an issue as it just came natural to her to treat her as she has her own daughter but that she was upset with how SIL reacted about her doing it & then texting her. I just hope SIL own family have told her how ridiculous she’s been, it’s stupid to have full trust in someone to change your baby’s nappy but not to bath them, it’s actually a bizarre way of thinking

I know you’ve replied but I would be sure to either message or have a face to face conversation and say something along the lines,
‘SIL I’m incredibly hurt as you are implying that I’ve been inappropriate with your daughter. I’m now not going to be able to look after her going forward. She is coming to an age where we’ll be potty training soon and I wouldn’t feel comfortable not washing her after she soils herself, so you will need to find new childcare.’
absolitely batshit!

Slightly different situation, what if the child had a huge poonami situation or been sick. Would she rather you left the kid in a pile of it's own mess?
She is the one with an issue, absolutely not you.