To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Perhaps its that you started the bedtime routine, if she has been at work all day she may treasure that time with her DD and felt you took that away?

Then perhaps she shouldn't ask family members to provide free childcare for her, especially when she's working late.

SIL is apparently happy to let the OP do the grim elements of toddler care for free, like changing dirty nappies and dealing with tantrums. If she's happy to let someone else wipe up her toddler's shit, she can't then get precious about them 'taking away the treasured time' of giving them a bath to wash the cake mix out of their hair.

The OP isn't a paid childminder or a nanny; she is doing the SIL a favour by babysitting her toddler all day alongside looking after her own two-year-old. Therefore SIL needs to be a bit more bloody grateful and a bit less precious about her 'treasured time'.

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No way would I be apologising.

If she's got things she isn't comfortable with then she should've said so in advance. You change the child's nappies and babysit unsupervised, for God's sake.

I'd be massively offended in your position, I would not apologise to anyone (but I'd be expecting one from her) and I wouldn't babysit again.

Exactly - the point here is that if a future babysitting event was to occur, how is the OP supposed to know what she can do without the SIL reacting in the same way?

What if she for example, feeds them the wrong thing or says the wrong thing, puts the wrong thing on the TV or radio?

Minefield.

Best to keep out of it from now on.

^^ definitely this.

Imagine after a long hard day at work your sil handed you a batter laden toddler and said bye?!

I'm surprised that you think leaving a kid with their auntie (who is doing you a favour by looking after them for you in her home, alongside your own toddler) is even remotely equivalent to paying childcare workers to supervise your child in a nursery with a dozen other kids. If the SIL wants nursery-style childcare, she should pay for it instead of getting a relative to look after them for free.

If the OP feels the easiest way to get cake mix off a pair of toddlers at 6pm is to plonk them in the bath for a splash about, that's her choice, because she has been left in charge of the kids to care for them as she sees fit, in her home, for no pay.

In your eyes, the bath might have been 'unnecessary' but 'unnecessary' isn't the same as 'unsafe' or 'inappropriate'. Was it 'necessary'? Maybe not. Was it an easy and entirely harmless way of dealing with two toddlers covered with cake mix? Yes. If the SIL is OK with the OP changing nappies, then it is completely reasonable to assume that a bath is not a problem.

It is not about being okay with someone changing nappies, that is missing the point. It is about someone doing something that is unnecessary. And that would make me question why.

You were doing a nice thing, weird SIL did a nasty thing, and MIL wants you to apologise?? That’s weirdest of all.

Sorry your kindness has brought the forces of batshittery down on your head, OP.

It is about someone doing something that is unnecessary. And that would make me question why

But OP had explained this, it’s because the kids had foodstuff over them from their ‘cooking’. Thats different to chucking a clean kid in the bath for no reason.

Having 2 toddlers confined to a bath for an hour is much less stressful than the baking with 2 toddlers imo . When I had 3 under 3 baths were at least 90 mins long!!

Because they were messy from cake making! It's been explained!

Op, absolutely fair enough. I would stick to what you've said. No more babysitting. She needs to call or visit you to explain further if she wants to put it behind you. You've no need to apologise, you did nothing wrong, all you can do is respect her boundaries going forwards... there will be no need to though as you won't be in that position again.

Is SIL from somewhere else? Is bathing kids together not a thing in her family or something? We always did it growing up.

Tell her to do one next time she wants a free baby sitter . How dare she !

If your changing her nappy I can’t see the issue 🤷‍♀️

Stating that OP hoped her niece ‘hasn’t suffered for it’ is a terrible thing to say! Suffered how? OP has no admission of guilt to make here, and even trying to suggest that the niece might had suffered because OP bathed her is playing into the SIL fears, however unreasonable and unwarranted they might be.

OPs message was fine. In her shoes I’d not be opening myself to any sort of accusations from the SIL. No more babysitting.

Oh my word, I'm sure most of us would be delighted to have a bathed and bed ready child to pick up after working late! She's making life more difficult for herself with that attitude 🙄

I would not apologise for that. If you do, you'll be considered a walkover for the rest of your relationship with her.

She will now have to find childcare for her toddler and she will never find as good care as she had with you. Let's home she calms down and apologises to you.

apologise for giving your own niece a bath

good luck wen she goes to school poor teachers

Weird asf. She either trusts you or she doesn't. Unfortunately I would not offer again and that's sad for the children.

I actually think that it’s the ‘just apologise and do whatever is required to keep the peace’ contingent who are not very good at apologising.

She really hasn’t done anything wrong and her SIL being in the huff is really not a reason to start apologising in a passive aggressive way (I’m sorry that you feel upset, etc). Even more so when MIL has decided you wade in and instruct the OP to be the one who must keep the peace.

Just because the SIL has employed pseudo therapy speak in talking about ‘boundaries’, it doesn’t make her reasonable.

When someone has been doing you a massive favour (and regular babysitting because they aren’t at work on Fridays is a massive favour), then onus is really on the recipient to treat their babysitter really well. Being weird about really quite ordinary things (in many families bathing toddler cousins together because they’re dirty and putting them in pyjamas is unremarkable as an occurrence) is not treating her well.

It’s totally fine for the OP to respond with ‘it’s clear this babysitting arrangement is no longer working, so I will just be looking after my own child from now on’. If that leaves SIL in a pickle, maybe she could think about ‘keeping the peace’.

If it was a one off and you weren’t that close to your niece, and you had bathed her, it would be odd. But as you say, it was a regular arrangement and you used your judgement. If she trusts you enough to provide free childcare then she should trust your judgement. Did your DH and his brother discuss it in the end?? I’d be angry on your behalf too, she’s acted very ungrateful too.

This!

@StolenCookie SIL has had ample time to reflect and apologise to the OP...... she's not though.

Ball is in her court!

I don’t think you should look after anyone’s child if the parent clearly doesn’t trust you. It’s a recipe for disaster. And in this case - for whatever reason - your SIL doesn’t trust you/your judgement, so you were quite right to tell her to find other arrangements going forwards.