To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Absolutely bizarre - I’m so indignant on your behalf! I’d have done exactly the same as you, and in fact even without the factor of the baking mess, just because she was a bit later than usual and you’d presumably have been bathing your DD around then anyway, I’d have assumed the obvious thing to do would be to give them both a bath, as they’d enjoy it and it saves your SiL a job when she gets home. My two have been bathed by every aunt/uncle/grandparent, with every combination of cousins and a good few friends…they’re in secondary school now so it’s all a while ago, but social bathtimes were a highlight of the toddler years!

Ok I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable with some of the responses here. Yes we can all agree that SIL comes across unreasonably and has made OP feel deeply uncomfortable, which is a real shame. But let’s also remember that SIL unlikely had an intention of deliberately upsetting OP. She has clearly been rattled and can we as parents honestly say that we are always 100% rational when it comes to the safety and care of our children?

Also - apologies aren’t an admission of guilt, as many have said. You can apologise for having an unintended, negative impact on another person. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong and they’re right. It’s just being human and saying sorry I hurt you.

Maybe this view of apologies is why so many people are terrible at apologising and often refuse to do it!

OP, I think you can try to come alongside your SIL without making any ‘admission of guilt’. You can be honest and say your only desire was to give your niece the best care you could and you treat her as one of your own. You appreciate now that a boundary was crossed and you hope your niece hasn’t suffered for it. I think that’s a fair thing to say without making any judgement of your own conduct.

I think you're entirely wrong @StolenCookie

You should not apologise to people just because they want you to.

The OP has done no wrong.

SIL's feelings/motivations are entirely her own to cope with, whatever they are.

They do not given her carte blanche to behave in such a rude, demanding and insulting way.

Facile apologies 'to keep the peace' are cowardly ways of tiptoeing round difficult people.

In the 20s my daughter was planning a night out in another city and I warned her she might get arrested by the son of our friends who is in the police there. Her reaction was 'Ha. I'll just remind him that we shared a few baths back in the day'!

You did nothing wrong.
You're her Auntie and she's playing safely and protected with you and your own daughter.
Toddlers bathing together within the family unit is perfectly ok.

Her reaction is absurd and I'm sure you must be bewildered and upset!

You can apologise for having an unintended, negative impact on another person. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong and they’re right. It’s just being human and saying sorry I hurt you.

No, apologies are when you own up to and express remorse for a genuine wrongdoing. They're not there as a tool to pander to the oversensitive.

I think many of us let our egos get the better of us.

Such a combative view of relationships.

You do you!

I have to agree with the pp above, if she’s reacted like this to this, how on earth would she react if her child hurt herself in a genuine accident under ops care? I dread to think!

Such a combative view of relationships.

Not at all. Life is short though, it is easier to let the hard-work types fall out with you than have to endlessly appease them. It's the opposite of combative, it's very peaceful.

Who will be having her now op?

Wonder if mil has been asked to do so temporarily, but she knows it could be forever if the op doesn’t resume her normal duties, once sil has deemed her punishment to be complete.

To be honest, if you leave young children with another person then you are trusting them to deliver any personal cares your child needs (including a bath). Whilst her view is clearly the most important given it is her child, I think things like this just need to be explicit from the start or I would assume this was absolutely fine. You did nothing wrong in my view OP given this wasn’t set as a boundary.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP.

So SIL thinks it’s fine for you to change her daughter’s dirty nappies, clear up any vomit etc when you’re looking after her (for free, on a regular basis) but it’s somehow not OK for you to bathe her when she’s dirty? SIL sounds like a massive user to me, so I would point blank refuse to look after niece again unless it was an emergency. If she wants professional childcare with professional boundaries then she can pay for it, can’t she?

What a horrible thing to have done to you. I am cross on your behalf!

Yes and amen to this.

you need to cut yourself loose of these neurotic fuckwits, not make enabling overtures towards them.

Wow a lot of people have commented so I hope I'm not repeating, but maybe double check that SIL hasn't had terrible experiences of sexual abuse? Or she might simply suffer from anxiety that leads her to overreact to something unexpected and then finds it hard to back down. It seems a real shame to lose the relationship over this and maybe could be sorted by going for a walk with her and really talking it out to get to the bottom of it? It's such a strange reaction that there has to be more going on. Unless she has always secretly hated the OP and there was always going to be something to end the relationship. Lots of ladies like that around!

I am surprised at how many simply accept unnecessary baths by a relative as normal. I have worked in a nursery and we did not pop toddlers in the bath every time they did some baking. Toddlers do not need a bath after some baking unless the supervision was exceptionally poor.

To be fair baking and icing cakes with 2 excitable 2 year olds does not just result in a bit of flour that can be wiped off 😂

You sound lovely and kind and anyone I know (including me) would be delighted to have such a loving and fun aunt in their dc's lives. Baking cakes with 2 2 year olds means you are brave too!

What a shame your sil and DN have lost such a precious relationship.

But do not apologise @Glass113, these ridiculous dramatics shouldn't be pandered to.

Move on knowing you did absolutely nothing wrong and most reasonable folk would feel nothing but gratitude towards you.

If she wants you to babysit she has to trust you

I would not want to babysit again; would be too worried about other unknown boundaries

I think she has an odd attitude but do wonder if there is a backstory to her fears and boundaries

Presumably you cleaned them if they were dirty though? That’s exactly what the OP did, just in a far more effective manner than using baby wipes and damp paper towels. She’s not providing professional childcare, she’s looking after her relative. I imagine she tells DN she loves her and gives her a kiss if she asks for one and other things that would be appropriate from a nursery worker. Plus she’s already providing personal care, so the SIL obviously trusts her from a safety point of view.

If the OP didn’t have her own child with her and decided to give DN a bath because she wanted to/thought it would be nice then yes, that is unnecessary and odd. Putting a grubby child that you’re related to in the bath with your own grubby child is perfectly sensible.

Remember op isn't just the free babysitter.. She is the auntie...
She has imo spoken to like you are staff...
Time to let her find new childcare.. And put her hand in her purse..
And mil can jog on..

🤷‍♀️ maybe the supervision is as exceptionally poor, so what!

An Aunty bathing her niece with her own child, is not unnecessary, it's helpful and kind.

People should NEVER apologise for other peoples behaviour.

@StolenCookie

If that's a problem for you, you might want to do something about that.

To all the replies saying SIL is. batshit crazy etc - this is really unfair. She is unreasonable in expecting people to know important boundaries /wishes if she hasn't expressed these clearly but not crazy etc.

As for not wanting others to bathe her DC, whatever the reason, that's her choice as a mother.

OP you did nothing wrong and your reply was perfect. I don't see why MIL thinks you should apologise - it should be SIL apologising for not communicating properly.

Personally, I would never bathe someone else's child unless I'd asked first and would be upset if someone bathed my child without discussing. I always made my boundaries very clear to anyone looking after my child and this was for EVERYONE - childminder, nursery, schools, babysitters, family and friends. And yes, there is backstory but not really relevant as it was simply my wishes in regard of my child.

Hopefully, someone will point out to SIL how unreasonable her reaction was and how sje needs to make things like this clear before the potential event, not after!

Your MIL has some cheek, wanting you to apologise to keep the peace. They sound like my in law's, all fake, and would rather you be a doormat than risk "rocking the boat". Pathetic.