To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

To think that nurseries and child minders bathe children

No you didn’t. I would think this was lovely if my SIL did this for my child. Especially when it’s later than usual and saves me a job!

she’s being weird!

Slightly going against the other comments - I mean I totally agree with everyone else that OP did nothing wrong and the SiL is being a bit batshit. But I'm not sure she accused the OP of anything - she just got overly anxious about her baby and didn't deal with it well.

Personally if you normally get on well I'd try and make things up with SiL, just for the sake of future family harmony. I mean I wouldn't grovel or anything. But I think there's a line between being a doormat and being someone who can smooth things over. I'd wouldn't apologise for the bath specifically but more for inadvertently upsetting her. I'd probably say something like, Hi SiL, sorry I overstepped the mark with the bathing, didn't know it was something you felt strongly about, hope the girls can still play together, see you soon. If she continues to be sniffy about it, well that's on her.

On what planet are you expected to apologise?

MiL & SiL are utterly bonkers.

BiL clearly doesn't accept the gravity of the situation.

At this point your DH has made it clear that you will not be available for any childcare except for emergencies, so the next time (and there most definitely will be a next time), just decline and say this doesn't sound like an emergency to me and failure to plan on your part doesn't equal an emergency on mine.

They really have fucked this up big time!!!

Based on this comment @Glass113 , I have a follow up question for you. Do your SiL and BiL take their child swimming? In the sea or in a pool? Do they ask everyone else to leave the water while their child is in the water?

I'm wondering what they think might happen to their precious child if they don't ask everyone else to leave the pool. SiL is saying that your child contaminated the water (horrible way to look at it) and any sort of infection they may have could be transmitted in the water to their child. I am not saying your child has an infection but the way she is going on, they might as well have.

They are very strange people and I'd distance myself from that particular branch of the family tree!

They do, unless you think the three nurseries we used in the UK were just putting this in their policy for a laugh, and our daughter as a baby had somehow washed and changed herself (I would have like it if she had super baby skills that made this possible!).

This is such an overreaction that I suspect SIL may have suffered some abuse from a family member as a child or something in a similar situation. She has clearly been triggered very specifically by this one thing. I would probably just remain quiet on it and take the high road.

It is the implication that would make this impossible for me to get past.

Who knows what SIL would accuse you of if you were left alone with her child again.

I would make it quite clear that I would never be putting myself in that position for any circumstances.

I won't even be available for emergencies. If you can't be trusted, you can be trusted. They can't pick and choose when they can trust you depending on their needs. You have been doing them a massive favour and they have turned it into something else. I wouldn't feel comfortable caring for niece again.

Mil asked you to apologise?! That's insane! To be honest she's probably worried that all baby sitting duties will now fall to her. It's a shame what's happened, but sil definitely owes you an apology.

You MIL is reaching out to the wrong person, because the ball is definitely in SIL's court if she wants to repair this relationship.

Clearly MIL thinks you are the more reasonable/low drama person, hence why she's appealed to you. But it's not your fault there's now family drama. Your SIL could have chosen to handle things differently.

What were BIL and SIL doing while you looked after DN once a week or whatever? I think they will miss your very generous support....

That's insane. I'd feel a bit weird doing that with my niece or nephew but I don't see them much, and I don't have my own kids. but in your scenario it's totally fine.

Wow.

I appreciate some people have different boundaries to others and this needs respected. You have come across really well balanced and even suggested acceptance of your SIL if she wishes to have a future relationship.

On this note i would be a little careful. She has already displayed a certain level of over exaggeration of the circumstance and imo is coming across slightly aggressive. I would worry that this may not be the tip of the iceberg and you may find yourself doing something else which may be outside of her comfort zone which she may jump to the wrong conclusions for.

DO NOT apologise. Your DH and his brother have both confirmed they do not see an issue. If she maintains this stance i would ensure i was never left alone with your DN again. I'm sorry but she is ok with you wiping her DD privates but not giving her hair a wash. What did she think untoward was going to happen sharing a bath with her cousin? Those are the kind of issues she needs to deal with and i would want no part of it.

If she's happy for you to literally wipe shit off her toddler's arse, she's being fully insane to object to you putting the toddler in the bath and washing her hair.

I've bathed both my niece and nephew before for poonami nappies that spread up their backs. I've bathed them cos I've been looking after them and I've bathed 2 kids I used to babysit for cos they were 3 and 5 and couldn't be left alone on the bathroom but were filthy.

If you're trusted to look after kids surely you're trusted to know what to do best for them and she wouldn't want to be handed a sticky child covered in flour that would spread over her car or furniture and then have to wrestle her into the bath as soon as she got in? Strange woman!

Of course you didn’t. That’s an odd response.

Your SIL is mental.

But the point is she didn't have explosive diarrhoea or be covered I'm vomit.Flour is a fairly innocuous substance that first need to be quickly cleaned off.

OP you probably wont read this but you dont know why SIL said what she did, yes its a bit batshit but she probably has her reasons and as the mother she is quite rightly entiled to. Really you could have messaged first to ask but of course didnt even concider it would be an issue (which it clearly is) and so appologise for the fact you didnt realise it was a problem. You shouldnt be saying if she doesnt trust you, you wont babysit, thats the same as saying if you wont let me bath your child I wont babysit, thats just wrong. For whatever reason she doesnt want you bathing her child and I see no problem with that now you know however she should acknowledge that she has never made that clear and so shouldnt be annoyed at you as what you didnt wasnt unreasonable under the circumstances.

Saying all of this though it would make me cautious of looking after the child again, what would happen if they were to get injured while playing etc I would be concerened how she would react, and perhaps blame you.

Surley you may have, at times, had to get them completely changed so maybe its not the nakedness thats an issue. Perhaps its that you started the bedtime routine, if she has been at work all day she may treasure that time with her DD and felt you took that away?
Whatever the reason its not really worth causing a family fallnout.

Give over.

Just in case you need it, another person piling in to say don't apologise. And depending on your relationship with her, either you or DH needs to have a word with your MIL and tell her to wind her neck in. Why on earth would you apologise when you've not done anything wrong!? Your SIL needs to apologise to you and get herself some help for whatever trauma she needs to recover from.

You’ve done nothing wrong. I wouldn’t babysit again- you won’t be relaxed/will be second guess whether SIL will get irrationally upset about the next thing. She trusts you to look after/feed/change a nappy but not a bath… I’d want to know the exact reason and an apology

No babysitting ever.. You are dodgy and so is your dc.. It can't ever happen.. She has shot herself in the foot hasn't she? Do not appease mil with an apology whatsoever...