To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Well done OP.
They can sort their own childcare now. Enjoy some one on one time with your child.

Yes it is! My mil sent us a photo of ours in the bath with cousins and we were all awww look at them! 😍

100pc. Either you trust me to care for your child and that means that you trust I will make the best decision for their care and the situation. Or you don't
If you don't then don't give me the child to look after.

Do not apologise and do not babysit in ‘emergencies’.
If you are not good enough to babysit now you are not good enough in emergencies either.
If this was something sil didn't want ( ofcourse her child, her choice) she should have said at the start, or at-least said it nicely in a text.
i’m a little confused if you do toileting then why this is an issue but that is still her choice.
it’s sad that this has caused a rift, but it is not your fault.
mil has no right asking you to say sorry, you have nothing to say sorry for.

Very bizarre. The child is still in nappies and would require you to clean or, on occasion bathe her, should she really do a messy poo while in your care.
You did what most Aunts would do.

@MizzyMooMom Then write a list for when you do catch up (such as is bathing ok if she had a big nappy accident? What about if she slipped in a puddle & got wet through - could she wear your daughters clothes? Or is it just that she’d prefer for you to text her first? What would a nursery do?).

That is absolutely insane. Why would someone doing a favour babysitting have to go through that crap when they have not done anything unreasonable. If you are being left in charge then you must be able to be trusted to make all of those decisions independently, not text all the time checking this and that. I take it OP would not be paid for such a batshit inconvenience? Besides, as I said above, there is no way a list could ever be comprehensive, and OP would forever be treading on eggshells wondering what ‘normal’ thing she may take offence to that she hadn’t thought to put in a list because 99% of people wouldn’t blink over it. Who wants that aggregation and stress?

I don’t understand the ‘what would a nursery do?’ thing on this thread.

The OP is NOT a nursery. She’s an aunt doing her BIL and SIL a huge favour by providing free childcare on a Friday.

It’s not at all relevant what paid for and regulated childcare would do.

In fact, the comparison suggests that something has gone very wrong with how people see free babysitting from family these days. If you want nursery style car, you need to pay for it.

My nephew is 2 weeks younger than my DS, if I was minding him and they both needed a bath I'd probably throw them both in together! They are also a similar age - 1.5yrs so they'd probably have fun splashing each other.

There are actually photos (not online or anywhere dodgy!) of me in the bath with my cousins. It seems like a normal enough thing to do.

Do NOT apologise to this woman.

You are owed an apology. I would be very wary looking after her child ever again. Who knows what other madness she'll come up with.

MiL needs to be told it's your SiL in the wrong and to address it with her, not you.

I think what's happened in this poor woman's head is that she feels inadequate about not being with her child all the time. And bath time has become her focal point for feeling she is still contributing and caring for her child. She could just have said that though, that she feels irrationally attached to bath time. The way she handled it was unacceptable, and I suspect that she is secretly very jealous that her SIL has more time with the kids.

100% this

Your mil can sod off tbh.

Tell her you'll apologise after sil does and ask her if she's asked sil to apologise or just you.

I think it's drama for drama sake. If you sent DN home covered in filth then you'd be a shit aunt that's not fit to look after her child.

I don't get how it's okay for you to change her nappy but not okay to throw her in the bath.

Deffo a normal thing to do! Better than sending her home covered in mess for sure. Shame for the kids who will miss it on time together but I'd step back from the babysitting, and definitely don't apologise!

You're 100% in the right OP, don't relent or apologise.

I had the same dictator SIL, meak DB and everyone needing to pander to them to keep the peace.

I'm NC with all of them now and life has never been more peaceful.

Would be very interested to hear SIL explain difference between nappy changing and bath in terms of boundaries.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt you don't know what her entire life experiences have been. There could be reasons why she is extra cautious (past abuse, anxiety etc etc). The "you won't be babysitting for a while" comment is cheeky though - its as if she is doing you a massive favour by letting you watch her child. I would definitely not be apologising but I would leave it for now unless SiL brings it up again.. And I guess find other activities for Fridays

But your approach/attitude is the normal one.

Even so it's unreasonable of her SIL. She has willingly left her kid! I can't believe the lack of understanding from some on this thread. Bottom line is OP doesn't have to do it does she?

You are the one that deserves an apology.

I’m not sure what is amusing?

Yup, correct stance. Happy to chat about it, but needs to come from her first.

Only possible non insane thing I can think of here is if the wean has eczema or some kind of sensitivity/needs special shampoo or something and you've signed up SIL to deal with a nasty rash tomorrow. But you'd know that about a niece?! Or she could communicate it like a normal human. So?? Don't say sorry!

she needs to apologise to you!

You already said sorry in your text so you don't need to apologise again.

The issue is over now, so she and MIL just need to let it go.

You are within your rights to not want to babysit again in case you do something else that she doesn't approve of.

She needs to accept that as she has caused the situation. She could have discussed it with your BIL before contacting you as he may have talked her out of saying anything, or he may have been able to approach you in a different way and say that they would prefer it if you didn't do it again etc.