To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Wow .

There is no way I'd be apologising op.

Your MIL needs to be calling SIL not you!

OP your text sounds reasonable.

Possible your SIL has some trauma or something which makes her sensitive about such things. But even if so, she handled it badly.

What a shame for the kids. But I wouldn't want to look after a child whose parent had been like this (I'd feel I was on eggshells). So I think it's fine to respect SIL's boundary of "no baths" by setting your own boundary of "no babysitting".

As you guys are all family, it's good that you sound like you're being calm about it.

I would send a group message to BIL and SIL:

Hi BIL/SIL, I am truly sorry that you were upset that I bathed DN when I was caring for her last week. I genuinely had no idea that this would be an issue as nothing has ever been communicated regarding personal care boundaries. ^Looking forward to seeing you all at (insert family event here).
^optional line: I completely respect your decision to find other care for DN going forward.

It is a non-apology. There is nothing for you to apologize for, but you can be sorry that she is upset and this apology will appease MIL. If this was your family I wouldn’t bother, but as it is DHs family I would try to smooth things over as I would want no part of the drama. Going forward, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I would be babysitting for SIL/BIL ever again.

Wtaf.. she’s being weird. Very weird- if there is a backstory on her part.. she should tell you her boundaries- you aren’t a mind reader !!

I would not even with an apology accept regularly watching her again. You out 2 young kid in the bath because they got messy. If that's a line for her and she came at you for it, then I'd be done with the situation. You're ok to change her nappy, and I'd assume clothes if she got them dirty, but you're supposed to leave the kid covered in whatever? You're not a stranger. I would absolutely refuse and I sure as hell wouldn't be apologising for anything.

What else were you supposed to do?

If your own DD needed a bath what were you supposed to do with your niece? Keep her in the bathroom but not let her play with the water?

Leave her on her own?

Do NOT apologise. I’m sure she would have had a problem if you left her DD covered in flour. I’d steer clear of SIL until her DH can figure out why she is a nutjob.

I am trying to get my head around what was overstepping. You presumably change nappies, so there can't be any issue with the naked aspect.

IIWM, I would message back to say how hurt and offended I was by whatever it is she is insinuating and let her know that babysitting is permanently off the cards.

You have nothing to be sorry for and she should be pulled up in her offensive and hurtful comments.

But your DD will miss her cousin if you cut contact, and that seems a shame. You have nothing to apologise for but a quiet conversation on neutral ground like a café, explaining that you don’t understand why she’s so upset and asking her if she’s able to explain might help. Perhaps your mil knows something you don’t.

This all must have got back to MIL who rang me earlier and asked me to just apologise to avoid any tension in the family.

I would have been apocalyptic if this were me. How dare she. I would have set her straight.

I also wouldn’t even be doing babysitting in emergencies. That’s leaving the door wide open for someone’s poor planning to become your emergency versus an actual emergency. Surely MIL can just do it if an emergency arises. Fuck that shit. God knows what other odd boundaries she might have, that neither of your kids could be left with your DH if you need to go to loo/have a shower/need to go out for an appointment etc? Who knows?

You should not be apologising at all, you have nothing to apologise for! Most definitely do not do any more babysitting for her, even in an emergency. She's batshit!

This is the first post in 22 pages that has considered the feelings of the children.

OP, you're well within your rights to never babysit ever again for your mental SIL, but in your position I'd be encouraging your DH and BIL to take the lead in arranging playdates and time for the cousins to spend together. You're under no obligation to ever go near your SIL again, but now it's time for the men to take this over

oh dear! How awful for you! But try not to dwell on it!!! I don't think you did anything wrong hun!
To those who say they agree & that you have crossed a line (I’d be very interested as to why they feel this? If appreciate the education - It might help me understand your SIL a little more (not that the reasons are defo the same). I am a fifty something mom & so not up to date with TikTok etc - I just can’t make the time & yes my daughters giggle at me for this!
I suspect there are factors involved of which we are unaware…
. Possibly your SIL wishes she could be the one to be with the two girls on a Friday & feels envious of you.
. Perhaps “bath time” is extremely precious to her and she feels she missed precious moments and this has triggered her response.
. Perhaps she feels extreme guilt for working (whether or not she has a choice financially), and her reaction relates to this.
. Perhaps she had a bad day and spent most of it looking forward to seeing her little one and having a fun bath time.
. There are endless possibilities - sadly some less pleasant than others.

I do not believe you have done anything wrong!!, but communication is key!
Before this escalates to something it isn’t!
I’m not sure I’d have the bottle (as I’d be hurt and cross), but for the sake of the two little ones friendship, and certainly before you look after your niece again (if indeed you are willing to … I suspect you are willing and kind else you wouldn’t have been helping out in the first place).
Perhaps respond explaining, you are mortified something that there is something you have done that she disagrees so strongly with, and had you known you would never have popped her in the bath with your daughter! For you this was a natural course of action (explain the mess they were both in again). Anyway when she is ready, you are happy to have a cuppa & a chat so you both don’t find yourself in this situation again.
Then write a list for when you do catch up (such as is bathing ok if she had a big nappy accident? What about if she slipped in a puddle & got wet through - could she wear your daughters clothes? Or is it just that she’d prefer for you to text her first? What would a nursery do?).
I suspect she has just over-reacted after a bad day (cause she missed out on bath time which I guess must be special to her - or that bathing is part of the bedtime routine & this is so important to her) and probably now feels like a plonka. However if this turns out not to be the case and she is just a challenging person or worse (you should get a feel for this when you chat), then you need to ask yourself if you need the head ache & will she become more unreasonable over time? perhaps when she collects her she should be having a quick cuppa with you so you get to know one another better?

Good luck! I hope it was just her having a bad day and that she apologises, this may not happen, but is more likely to happen if you are able to be brave, strong and rise above by being even kinder than you are already.
Whatever happens please remember that you have done nothing wrong!!
just an FYI - I really struggled as a first time mom and was all over the shop - desperately panicking … underneath this could be her situation, probably exhausted, doing her best but giving herself a hard time, feeling guilty for working, seeing you doing everything so well, no time to think everything through, maybe she’s not coping, or maybe she’s the opposite - a control freak. Just b cab onetime being lovely kind you and the world (at least in your corner of it) will continue being a slightly better place!
Apoligies I have gone on a bit haven’t I!
🤍🤍🤍xx

@JumalanTerve, OP states in her 4th post that they meet often at MILs, not sure where you got anything about cutting all contact? That's why I'm 22 pages the relationship between the children has not been mentioned.

Well dove OP, stand your ground, you did nothing wrong and you've nothing to apologise for!

Please do not apologise to her, how absurd would that be. Why on earth would you apologise and risk implying in any way that SIL's nasty insinuations are correct? It is her who needs to apologise to you.

Your MIL is probably worried she will be in line for babysitting duties now. She probably knows that you are the reasonable one in the family whereas SIL is high maintenance, and thinks she will have better success with you than with SIL in smoothing things over. But this would be a hill to die on for me - you have done nothing wrong ergo no apology.

They are bathed and have all of their clothes changed.

Lol

If OP leave the kid dirty, bad. If OP bath the kid, bad. If OP do whatever is OP problem. Nope, is SIL being bonkers and now is starting to say nonsense to try to keep her dignity after being bonkers.
No more baby sitting. The kid may be great but the mother is a trouble maker.

No you haven’t, you did a very normal and I feel very considerate thing by giving her a bath/hair wash so she’s all nice and clean to go home. I would’ve expected your SIL to say thank you. Her reaction is odd.

I’d be trying to out this behind us if possible. I’d probably also apologise to keep the peace if I had to. But I would never babysit again ever.

There is nothing to apologise for

I think your MIL had done the classic terrified of any and all conflict thing of trying to get the party she thinks will be more reasonable to apologise.

Your SIL is being ridiculous and everyone knows it. But everyone likely realises that she’s harder work than you, so MIL has decided you must be the one to paper over the cracks.

Leave SIL to regret to loss of the free childcare and realise she’s going to have to make some effort to repair the damage she’s done by having a tantrum.

Don't apologise. She can pay for childcare from now on. Or persuade MIL to do it with a massive list of do's and don'ts.

But sharing a bath with cousins is one of the joys of childhood. They’ll do it until they can no longer fit in the bath. Your SIL sounds a bit precious.