To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Has the world gone mad since my lot were little? Friends would have dc or the other way round, they'd be covered in mud/paint/icing whatever, said very trusted friend/family member would send them home clean. I was always grateful! A friend and I stuck all our 5 kids in the bath once as they'd gone a bit mad with paint. All now in late 20s/early 30s and all is well.

The difference of course is that a nappy needs to be changed promptly.
A bit of flour etc is washinh hands and wiping face at most.stripping them naked and bathing them during the day is odd and unnecessary

Do not apologise.
You did nothing wrong.

What a weird outlook. She's their aunt and the LO are the same age. In the OP it said they had gunk in their hair, easiest way to clean them up is plonk them in the bath and they probably had fun together. It's the sort of thing that happened a zillion times when I was a kid. Paranoid way to view trusted family.

Christ it's a damn sight easier to get my two year old in a bath than to wipe her hands and face.

I can't imagine chasing two mucky toddlers trying to wipe them when a bubble bath would entice them in and get them clean without the fuss.

You had to clean up your own DD. What were you supposed to do with your niece, leave her unattended? Or leave your child crusty so as not to cause offence?

I think you are doing the right thing OP revoking babysitting duties and no way should you be apologising to keep the peace - let her apologise as she was very much in the wrong. You have been doing her a favour and she repays you by making vague insinuations and getting the hump. Now she will have to live with that and find another babysitter.

What would she expect to happen if she had been sick (either end) were you supposed to just leave her in a mess for her parents to sort out? I bet if you had ever done that they would have been very upset with you.

Do not apologise!!

Your sil is ungrateful and batshit crazy

What do you think happens at nursery or a child minders when a child is sick? Or covered in mud?

what does it being day time have to do with it? Let me guess, you bathe at night, by candlelight, in your swimsuit?

I reckon that your niece makes a MASSIVE fuss at bathtime for SIL. I bet she screams, wriggles, cries, the works. She's pissed off because you were able to give them a bath with no fuss.

I think my sister would be DELIGHTED if I managed to get one of her kids in the bath.

Equally, she wouldn't care if my husband did it.

Are you quite alright? What an odd assumption

YANBU I used to do this with my friends dc as have one the same age and exactly the same scenario used to occur. She was always grateful!

This is a hill I would be prepared to die on.

If anyone asks me to care for their child then that is exactly what I'll do. They either trust me to care for the child, change nappies, bathe them or anything else required - or they don't.

I would resent the allegation of any impropriety so much. It's deeply insulting and accusatory.

No matter what she does or says, I would never mind any of her children again. I would be fearful of what she might accuse me of. I find her reaction terrifying and dangerous.

Yeah I had no problems with anyone I trusted enough to care for my child bathing them. That included PIL's, my parents, BIL's and SIL's etc.

Is she paying you to mind her child? The only way I would imagine dictating things like that is if I was paying for the privilege.

I think it is very OTT to bath a child just because they had been doing baking. If supervised this is totally unnecessary. So I too would be unhappy and wonder why you had bathed my child.

You did what I would assume most would do. I don't think you were wrong at all. I agree I wouldn't babysit again because who knows what she will come up with next.

It most be frightening to have a thought process like this.

How would you see a bath as any more of a risk than nappy changing?
And why would you all someone you don't trust mind your child?
Genuinely curious.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees I do not see a bath as more risky. But if someone caring for your child gives them an unnecessary bath, it is normal to wonder why. and feel uneasy about it.

I don’t think it is fine though. Toddlers get dirty. I’ve bathed them because they are messy from eating dinner, after cooking, from playing outside, from water play, from getting suncream/facecream all over them, and of course from a big poo. I wouldn’t want to look after a toddler all day if I couldn’t wash them, and it’s weird to trust someone to change a nappy but not to bath someone. Don’t apologise and don’t babysit, a full day of care a week is a huge contribution and she’s just stomped on it. Good luck to them getting care on Fridays.
my mil is a keep everyone happy person so I realised early on to maintain my own boundaries, rather than adjust because it’s easier for her asking me than the more high maintenance family members. I’m not high maintenance but I’m quite capable of saying no.

MIL probably worried she'll be aaked to babysit instead now. Tough. If there's any apologising it should be SIL. She should be thanking you profusely for the free childcare too

I wouldn’t even be willing to babysit even in an emergency.

As another poster stated earlier, your SIL seems to think that you babysitting your DN is a huge favour to you. So much so that not allowing you to babysit is considered punishment and she’ll decide when you’ve been punished enough.

No ma’am, no thank you.

You’ve been taken for granted quite enough. Imagine you decided to babysit again - is she going to give you a list of all of her boundaries? Are you going to have to check with her any time you need to do something? What will happen if you violate another of her secret boundaries? Will she insult you again?

I would apologise fakely and also be firm in not providing any more childcare. Let them fork out for childcare going forward, plus there’s nothing they can use against you as you fakely apologised. Immoral advice but it will work

I have to say though that when I would look after my friends kids I always got parents permission before doing anything because most parents have very strong do’s and donts for their kids and I never wanted to step on toes.

So if it had been a situation, say in which her child had fallen in dog shite rather than flour and sugar, are you telling me your SIL would be happy to let her daughter sit in that than have her trusted aunty give her a bath? (And you must be trusted as she is more than happy to have you look after her daughter every Friday.)
Your SIL has some issues and DH's family is walking on eggshells around it. I hate this situation!! The question is how do you deal with it?
She doesn't sound like someone who could be openly confronted or honestly talked to, otherwise your BIL and her would have dealt with this rather than trying to sweep it under the carpet.
If she can't trust you to give her daughter a bath than that extends to babysitting duties as well. I would let it lie now - you have done all that you can and if your SIL wants to talk she knows your number.