To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Tell your MIL she's got some cheek telling you to apologise for providing ongoing free day care to your SIL and there's no problem because you will never be doing it again! Draw a line in the sand so your MIL doesn't think she can use you as the family scapegoat, meekly accepting any shitty treatment in order to keep the peace.

This is such a strange and strong reaction from SIL that I think there must be something else going on for her. Maybe something that's happened in her past that's triggered this reaction but then you'd think that she wouldn't even let you look after the baby or change nappies etc. Is it her first child? People can be really funny about routines when it's their first so maybe she felt like it messed up their night routine by bathing at a different time. Maybe she thinks sharing bath water is dirty! Who knows! She's totally overreacted though and you've nothing to be sorry for.

Why on earth should you apologise? You’ve done nothing wrong. Tell the MIL that the boot’s on the other foot and you are waiting for your apology from your batshit SIL. Bloody ridiculous!

I'm confused about her reasoning if she is happy for you to change your DN nappy.

Maybe she's being asked to be the replacement babysitter and would rather pass it back to you?

This makes it so weird!! So you change her nappy and have to wipe her private parts, but can’t plonk her in the bath and wash her hair!!!
I would be talking to brother instead of her and telling him that she’s upset you deeply and if she doesn’t trust you then you won’t be having niece again period!!!

FFS, you are doing them a favor. The only true apology would be to say, "I didn't know you didn't want me to bathe your child, especially not with another child. I will not do so in the future. However, if you do wish me to babysit in the future and if your child does become in need of a bath, I will call and expect you to come and take care of them yourself within a half hour as I will not be responsible for forcing a child to remain dirty while in my care."

Nah, I’d never have the child again! Why put yourself in that position?!
id also be pretty pissed off at the insinuation that my kid was somehow too dirty to be bathed alongside her kid

You're both nuts. Commpletely nuts. You are sister-in-laws. You have daughters the same age. You are both mums. Why wouldn't you treat them the same? Nope. You are just crazy.

Huh? If I trust someone enough to look after my daughter, I trust them to bathe her.

SIL, MIL and several of my friends have bathed my 5-year-old. It wouldn't have crossed their mind to seek my permission. I was grateful to them.

It is more of an attempt to let them know how insane they are acting without actually calling them insane.

Why is OP ‘nuts’? She sounds eminently sensible to me.

SIL and MIL out of order here.

She has shot herself in the foot here!
Does she work Fridays while you look after DN? Does she have your DC once a week in return? I guess she’ll now have to pay someone!

I would not apologise either, not after how she worded it!! And what would she expect you to do if DN had an explosive Poo all up back? Would she not want you to bath her? All seems like a huge over reaction and I would just leave it now and not mention it again unless she either brings it up in which case I’d say you didn’t see the issue as you change nappies all the time!! Or if she asks you to babysit again, which I’d say ‘sorry but I don’t feel happy to babysit again until DN is capable of taking care of her own hygiene/toileting etc because I’m not trusted to!’

Interesting she mentioned the being bathed with another child thing because actually I think I would be more uncomfortable with that than an aunt bathing just my DC. Not really for logical reasons, just a gut thing. It does feel like a sibling only thing. Probably because I remember how much mine went to the toilet on the bath as toddlers! So if that's her main issue, I can kind of see it... But her reaction and how she dealt with it was totally OTT and she owes you an apology for the rudeness given you were doing her a favour.

I'm really not keen on one person being upset/offended/insulted/boundaries crossed meaning that someone else has to do something about it.

Some people get upset at the drop of a hat - and no they don't always have reasons, some simply are of the opinion that they are so important that everyone else should dance round them and obey their every whim.

It's clear SIL is used to people dancing to her tune - and BIL and MIL are clearly used to this and are advising you to do the same.

It is really important that you stand up to SIL and hold your own boundaries - that you will not be walked over, or made to feel bad because of someone's tantrum. It sounds like your DH supports you at least - the other members of the family need to learn that you are not a pushover and that when you have very kindly done SIL a favour it does not mean she gets to dictate your every move.

It is completely normal, and jolly good fun, for small children to share a bath. Our children had had many a bath with cousins and the children of close friends when they were small. SIL is being very precious.

I think your message was great, very clear. You didn’t know and you won’t babysit again. Don’t be guilted into apologising. I bet SIL is regretting it as she’s lost free babysitting.
Still see them at MIL’s etc but I wouldn’t babysit.

I wouldn't be apologising and it's all very well for your BIL to say it'll blow over, but his wife has been incredibly unpleasant to you - are you supposed to just act like nothing has happened?

I’m amazed you’re managing to be so calm about this OP, particularly given the overwhelming consensus on this thread that your SiL is bang out of order in the way she has treated you. Whatever her issues, she’s accused you of being inappropriate towards her child! That would sit with me FOREVER. Maybe you are just exceptionally good natured but I would have told my MIL (however darling) to fuck right off with her suggestion that I apologise! Jesus!

Totally agree @Conundrummum

Totally bizarre : why do people look for a problem where non exists ( that’s S in law). Kids were dirty - you’d probably wash yours - if you’d left out the other kid ( unforgivable!).., so you wash her too ( unforgivable!). Damned either way. Family is family- Trust them to do as you’d do : you’d wash kids if dirty so kids get washed. If my niece was dirty I’d wash her .. and I’d cuddle her if she was hurt - and I’d grab her if she was falling down a hole .. and I’d not expect to be told I’d crossed an imaginary never before mentioned line. I’d be caring for family I love . That’s what you’ve done . Don’t apologize for being nice and welcoming and to sharing your time and attention with your niece. Her problem- hers to resolve- her step to apologize.

I don't understand this post at all. How on earth is the OP nuts and crazy?

Given that you regularly change your niece's nappy, this is just batshit. If she asks you to babysit again, make it clear that you have to have reasonable discretion on this. She can't seriously suggest, for instance, that if her child was sick or had an accident due to diarrhoea you should leave her dirty?

But she's saying she never wants her child bathed. So presumably that applies even if she's covered in mud, vomit or whatever. Do you think that is remotely sensible?

You seem to have been reading something different from everyone else. How has OP not been treating her daughter and her niece the same, let alone been crazy?