To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Maybe the evening bath is what SIL looks forward to after work, her special time with the daughter. You took that off her unexpectedly, she got a fright when she arrived in and saw her DD in the pajamas. She found that tough. You mightn't find that tough but I would and SIL did.
Can you understand that?

No. Not even one tiny bit. I'd see it as a positive fun experience in a loving environment with someone I trusted and who truly cared about my child.

I can't believe people are so unbelievably precious about this sort of thing. Children are allowed lovely fun life experiences and close relationships with other people. They are not your possessions to control and to cheer you up after work or whatever.

As someone who’s not only put nieces in the bath with my DCs on occasion, as well as random friends children if they got particularly muddy playing outside, and popped them into clean clothes or pjs, your SIL is crackers 🙄
Obviously it was only when absolutely necessary and never did anyone say anything other than thanks! And friends/family would probably do the same.

What has the wee one's Dad, if there is one, said?
Is MiL allowed to bath her granddaughter?
Your SiL is definitely a bit odd.

I'm guessing SIL has something in her past that makes her weary. As someone who was SA as a child, I would like to be given the choice over whether I want my child to be bathed by someone else or not. It's not something I would ever do without checking first. It's a big thing to allow someone else to care for your child. You need to be able to trust them. This is obviously not something she expected to happen and it has unsettled her. A bit of empathy for something you might not understand would be nice. Rein your husband in.

Your sil sounds crazy. Hope she reads this thread and calm down and thank you instead.

If she's upset about it she's upset about it, she's entitled to feel upset for whatever reason, but she should have communicated this to you right at the start of your arrangement, and as she didn't get message have gone down the route of 'I really appreciate you babysitting for me, but other people bathing her is something I'm not comfortable with her, so would it be ok if you didn't do that again please' she gone nuclear too soon, there were much better ways of dealing with this than how she has done.

In your position I wouldn't babysit again as I would feel comfortable doing so, I would almost feel as if she didn't trust me around her child and would feel almost as if I was being accused. I assume you babysit because she is working? Which means she has more to lose from this than you? Just enjoy your Fridays with your daughter now and move on from this at a bit of a distance from your SIL.

Your SIL sounds batshit. Honestly! She trusts you to babysit and change her diapers but not bathe her when she needs it? What?

"For a while', which translates to " until i need you again". Say you're sorry to have crossed a boundary, but that you are offended that she doesn't trust you , and its best she finds alternative childcare in future .

This is absurd. You trust a person alone with your child, you surely trust them to bathe them. Apologise to keep the peace but know that you really did nothing wrong whatsoever.

It's sort of telling also that she has said you shouldn't babysit again 'for a while' which to me would seem like she'll be happy for you to babysit again when she is in a bind and it benefits her. If she felt so uneasy about it then she wouldn't allow you around her child ever again.

I would not look after your niece again. I would not want to be accused of "crossing a boundary" with a young child and I would be very wary of any repercussions which might arise from that sort of accusation.

I am sorry but it would irk me if anyone had have bathed my son without checking.

I am genuinely confused at some posters saying she should text first. What is the issue? Is it just being naked that she doesn't approve of or using certain soap products? Unless the child normally toilets completely independently I don't get how this is crossing some boundary more than changing a nappy. In fact dunking a small child in a bath is a lot less intimate to wiping her genitals. If intimate care is her issue then she should be OK with bathing before nappy changing.

Your SIL needs to be sectioned IMO as this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I would seriously question her ability to raise a child.

YANBU and I wouldn’t dream of babysitting again until she apologises to you

I would have been really grateful that she was clean and ready for bed tbh. She’s being mad.

It makes me wonder what sort of mind SHE has. Give her a wide swerve 😡

DS left me a jewel in the bath once but it wasn’t precious 😂

I think I'd be surprised to leave a child & come back to them bathed & in PJs.

But you either trust someone or you don't.

I was fairly regularly bathed with my similar aged cousins as a young child. It’s pretty standard stuff.

You provide free childcare every single week and change nappies all the time. Both kids were in the bath together. Banging on about ‘boundaries’ etc is just weird.

She’s probably have been just as weird if you’d not bathed her child and she had to pick up a filthy child.

Is it your brother’s wife or your husband’s sister? If the former, speak to your brother who is proper bemused. If the latter get your husband to speak to his sister and tell her to get a bloody grip.

She's batshit. If you're taking care of a toddler, there's a strong chance of nudity from nappy changes/spillages/muddy puddles/kids deciding to strip off randomly. You either trust someone or you don't.

Id say you had crossed the Line... IF You just randomly bathed her but she had stuff all over her, i would have been mad if you had left her to be bathed by me after getting her messy hahaha

I don’t see why anyone who sees bathtime as a precious jewel wouldn’t just bath the child again when they got home.

Talk about a non-problem.

So what, someone looks after your child, she spills something all over herself and needs to be changed and washed off, presumably is howling - you text the parent to check if bathing is ok, and wait for an answer? And if it's no then you - dry off the baked bean juice or whatever?

If you have issues about your child and nudity you should spell it out when your child first goes to someone, but I'd say it's impracticable when caring for a toddler. I don't really see requiring notification of a bath as any protection against sexual abuse, either to be honest.

But WHY though? I’d honestly love your insight on this. If you trust someone to change your kids nappies, it’s safe to assume a bath isn’t “overstepping”?
Also, check what? “Hi kidsmum, she got covered in flour and sugar, was gonna bathe her but just wanted to check you didn’t secretly think I was a paedophile first?”
I’m honestly gobsmacked at this 😂

I think the issue might be that SIL may well be a bit anxious - which imo should be met with understanding and empathy, not ridicule - and so might even feel anxious about the nappy changes as well. But those are a necessary evil, as it were, that she has to accept and has got used to. A bath is completely unnecessary. Even if there was baking/messy play, OP could have just washed the child's hands and face, but not necessarily done a whole bath. So there is a category difference, as it were, between 'inevitable moments of intimate care' versus 'unnecessary' ones. I don't know of course whether this is how SIL felt but I could understand and sympathise with this reasoning. I would be as uncomfortable as the SIL.