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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bathed my niece?

991 replies

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 13:40

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

OP posts:
CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 17:39

she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while fine, I mean I suggest you don't ever babysit again

LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2024 17:39

Please come back with an update (if there is one) when your DH speaks with his brother.

The only person or people missing out here are you OP and your child who won’t see your niece anymore.

Silly woman who has cut her nose off

pleasehelpwi3 · 02/03/2024 17:42

My sister in law breastfed my child once when I was out and couldn't! He was wailing and she'd just fed her baby. No big deal.....!

RedMark · 02/03/2024 17:42

Nah, that's mad. I'd just be grateful you babysat, did something fun and saved me the bath

BlueGrey1 · 02/03/2024 17:44

@Glass113

I would be upset about this aswell if I were you but rest assured you sound like a very good caring auntie and have done nothing wrong, maybe you should give the mother a call and have a chat

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2024 17:45

wherethemoon · 02/03/2024 13:49

I'm with your SIL - I think you shouldn't have done that without asking first.

Should she ask before every nappy change as well?

What's the difference?

chrisfromcardiff · 02/03/2024 17:45

EasterEgger · 02/03/2024 17:05

She's nuts, presumably you're changing her nappy as well like any nursery worker/childminder would?
Changing clothes is normal and giving her a bath was very kind of you..even playschool when they changed my ds after an accident had to put spare clothes on him.
I think she's shot herself in the foot here and now she's down free childcare on the Friday, to be honest if she's this fussy I wouldn't want to look after her daughter again.

Yep, she is going to regret what she said when Friday comes and she has no child care. Especially FREE child care.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 02/03/2024 17:47

Honestly, i wouldn’t be offering to babysit for her again, you don’t want her to start throwing any accusations around and she sounds batshit enough to do something like that!

This! I wouldn't be alone or want my DH alone with the child of a parent that highly strung.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2024 17:50

Lucy377 · 02/03/2024 15:54

I sort of get the SILs side of it.
You probably should have texted to ask if it was okay to bath her.

I would have texted if it was me.

Your SIL just felt you were over-mothering HER child in the way we often see complaints about MILs here.
SIL likely feels guilty about having to work and not be home with her child baking and having fun.

She wanted to keep a clear demarcation between her child and yours and your 'mothering' and hers.

Maybe the evening bath is what SIL looks forward to after work, her special time with the daughter. You took that off her unexpectedly, she got a fright when she arrived in and saw her DD in the pajamas. She found that tough. You mightn't find that tough but I would and SIL did.
Can you understand that?

Look, you get really cross and escalate the thing or you can try to understand where SIL is at.
My MIL once took a notion to bath my child and I was furious she hadn't asked me. Because it's just assuming motherly rights or something.

OFGS

'Motherly rights?' I've heard it all now

Well she can have all her 'motherly rights' right back. Including stinky nappy changes. Bet she's never objected to someone else doing those

Todaywasbetter · 02/03/2024 17:51

Why has every post picked a side?

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2024 17:53

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/03/2024 16:13

I think your intentions are genuine and good but you massively overstepped and should have checked with her first. Children at nursery get absolutely filthy every day but don't get stripped and bathed.

I think her behaviour is a bit extreme as you are family and she must trust you to leave her child with you in the first place. However, I think you should have sought consent first before bathing her. Apart from perhaps my best friend or during something like a swimming session at school, I generally do not want any one undressing or bathing my child and that includes family. I also would not bathe someone's child without obtaining their parents consent first.

They're not with family at a nursery!

I have bathed nieces and nephews and occasionally a friend's child. Because they trust me and wouldn't think not to,

And seriously, if family can't bathe them then they can't change nappies.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2024 17:54

Todaywasbetter · 02/03/2024 17:51

Why has every post picked a side?

?

What do you mean?

doodlepants · 02/03/2024 17:54

My neighbour once bathed my daughter and I didn't mind... she'd been in a paddling pool that she and other toddlers had probably peed in...

Either she doesn't trust you or someone you live with or has personal reasons from her past to do with bathing. You could ask, but it's whether you want to open that can of worms.

BellaVita · 02/03/2024 17:54

She is absolutely batshit 😆

How flaming weird.

diddl · 02/03/2024 17:56

I wonder what she thinks will happen in the "while" that she doesn't want you to babysit??

Wonder if her husband is ok with it?

Be interesting to know what he thinks.

Even if she apologises I'd still be wary of babysitting.

JaneKatSuttonGoals · 02/03/2024 17:59

Ridiculously precious - hopefully your dh reinforces to his brother that you were doing them a favour.
I bet they'll be back when they need you to let you see her again.

Laurama91 · 02/03/2024 17:59

I bathed my niece and nephews all the time when they were young. In fact I was the only person they would let wash their hair at one point.

I dont think you've crossed any line and I would never have considered having to ask to bath mine

TigerMum8 · 02/03/2024 18:00

Your SIL is ungrateful, and should be pleased that you not only looked after her daughter but returned her freshly bathed and happy after having a fun and productive day. If you had retuned her with hair full of flour and eggs that might have been an issue as well.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/03/2024 18:00

I wouldn't be babysitting any more. Fuck that.

She either trusts you or she doesn't.

CustardySergeant · 02/03/2024 18:00

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 02/03/2024 17:25

OP, you female or male?

IMO, your SiL needs her head testing

Edited

The OP is female, as she said in her post at 15.42.

Bournetilly · 02/03/2024 18:01

YANBU at all. I would be grateful for you bathing her after being at work all day and working late. If she trusts you to look after her DD and change her nappy she should trust you to bath her, plus you were bathing your own DD.

She could have just asked you to please not bath her again, she didn’t need to stop you from babysitting. I’d just leave it now until she apologises which is a shame for you and your DD not seeing your niece but she’s being ridiculous.

Mamma53547 · 02/03/2024 18:02

A bath is a lot less intimate than a nappy change, so I don't understand SIL even if she has issues.

vicarc · 02/03/2024 18:03

OK she might not like it, fine, she's the parent but she is out of line "punishing" you with her "taking a break" line etc. Just a simple thanks but no thanks I prefer if you didn't do it again would do. You're family, sometimes we need to be a little bit tolerant of innocent mistakes, a polite friendly don't do it again will do. It's typical of the me me me social media generation, I guess she watched some "reel" or tiktok video "reaffirming" her view and only her view of the world... She is clearly using you if she couldn't even talk to you face to face and saw you as just a free babysitter rather than a SIL. Honestly she's obnoxious, not for the no bathing rule, but her use of messaging and typical language of an entitled type ("boundaries" screams it). She can go and pay a babysitter now.

ALittleDropOfRain · 02/03/2024 18:06

She‘s being weird. Mine was frequently in the bath with friends when a toddler. Now he‘s 7: he had a friend over recently and they did some painting. I asked the mum in advance if I could put both boys in the bath together if the painting got out of control. She was fine with it. As it happens I didn’t need to. However, it’s only recently I‘d hesitate. Upto about age 5 I‘d just have done it if necessary.

Katbum · 02/03/2024 18:08

‘Can’t see the problem honestly, didn’t want her sitting in mess - as I change her nappy all the time assumed you trusted me? I think it’s best you find an alternative babysitter.’

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