To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

I have to disagree. Unless there’s some dire backstory, the SiL sounds bonkers.

There must be a back story to this. Maybe have a gentle conversation and ask why she thought it so wrong. Be prepared in case it opens up a whole pile of bad memories from her.

@SmudgeButt has got a good point here. I was gonna post how OTT her response was. But - this could be triggering for her? I would definitely have a conversation with her about it.

What the fuck is she implying? I’d be furious if I were you. How DARE she!
side note, my sister and I used to always babysit for each other when kids were little. Nothing would bring me more joy than being handed a freshly bathed, clean pyjamaed child ready for bed! Your SIL is nuts.

That is really weird of your SIL

I'm thinking if it bothered her, she could have just said to you not to bother giving her a bath next time.. if you change her nappy anyway then I'm not sure why the bath bothers her but fair enough. if she's worried about crossing a boundary she'd also worry about you changing a nappy which she obviously doesn't. Yes with hindsight we should always ask and check but I guess in that moment of you being in mum mode you just got on with making sure the children were clean as us mums do. I would call her to sort it out and explain ..I know there will be lots of ppl saying don't speak to her about it but i think you should absolutely speak up and make sure your points are heard. and you're her aunt and love her like your own which I'm sure you must do to be so kind to look after her so your sil can work. It's not easy looking after your own kids let alone take on the responsibility of someone's else's child.

I think it would bother some but not others, I know people who wouldn’t let anyone (even family ) change their child’s nappy

Nah, you don't pander to people like this, give an inch and they take a mile.
Sil clearly has some issues she needs to address, end of the day when you are looking after a child you have a duty of care to keep them clean and their needs met.

I wouldn't bother chasing her OP, if she comes back she needs to apologise for not making this clear and also the upset caused if she is implying what I think she is..

She’s being ridiculous! I bathe my niece/ nephew all the time sometimes my nephew even gets it the bath with my own boys, nothing weird about it at all!

OP, you female or male?

IMO, your SiL needs her head testing

I'd be fuming and never babysit again

I used to bath my neighbours kid of she was here playing with DD at bath time.

DD still buggers off next door and showers there now.

What a dick

Her loss! She has lost a free babysitter who cares for her child. I give it a couple of weeks before she asks again but with caveats. Personally I would kick back with the caveats as she either trusts you or she doesn’t

Eh? The kid's aunt who regularly babysits alongside her own same aged dc.. who also changes it's nappy..

@Glass113 please don't be upset or apologise. She isn't even worthy of an explanation. Just say you won't be babysitting anymore.

This kind of thing is so ridiculous and sad. A loving aunt reduced to doubting a caring action that she takes to Mumsnet.

I would be telling the SIL to fuck off.

Yes, it's odd behaviour, but people are rarely odd in this particular way for no reason. She's frightened because of something.

Doesn't make it your fault and how you deal with that going forward is your own prerogative, but I would choose an overprotective parent over a neglectful one any day of the week.

You constructed the perfect elegant reply OP.
Your SIL sounds unhinged. She is happy to use you for free childcare, saving her probably £80 a day, happy for you to change nappies but is rude and obnoxious when you bathe her daughter.... AND without letting you of her weird boundaries?!!! Nah..SIL can jog on.

You have done nothing wrong and sound like a lovely, considerate person. I would have loved to pick up my freshly bathed child!

She’s definitely weird. You change her child’s nappy!

You’ve obviously done them a favour by looking after their child. They can pay for child care from now on.

I can't find the post that said about overstepping and being too motherly but for me personally that's what I want from family looking after my baby. I'm not a professional and if I have children here I treat them like my own.

Maybe that's the difference between us and in that case babysitting is off the table. I am devastated about it though I adore my niece and her and my DD love each other.

Thankfully we do all see each other at MIL alot as she is very family oriented (and fabulous I just add)

I've taken on board what people have said about maybe there are hidden issues and all let the dust settle and see where we lie.

Don't apologise for something you didn't do. When she comes crawling back as needs childcare, have a conversation.

Whats the "for a while" about?
Strange.

Your SIL probably didn’t think ahead that she'd have to now find another person to see to her DC.

I'd let your DH know before he meets his DB that you're not changing your mind, so you'd appreciate him not agreeing if DB says you can now look after DN again and no matter the outcome of the discussion between your DH and his DB let your SIL find someone else to look after her DC.

Presumably SIL was having one of these PFB moments we hear a lot of on here? Likely she will look back on this and cringe.

I'd leave it where it is with your text to her and specifically tell my DP not to intervene with his brother. Why fan the flames when you will all need to see each other in the future?

The next time I saw her I would explain that it felt like a horrible accusation.

What were you supposed to do with your niece while you were bathing your DC? Just have her milling around, covered in flour in the bathroom?

I would say "That's fine about not doing the FREE babysitting."

She's being weird not you!

I can understand why your DH is furious with his SiL on this.
Not sure what boundary you have crossed as you said you change your nieces nappy so it can’t be because you saw her genital area.
I wouldn’t be available for childcare until I get a full apology from her.

Wow, honestly, to me what you did was perfectly normal and helpful. This is your niece and you have a child the same age!
Maybe your sister in law does have a back story, but you did absolutely nothing wrong imo, in fact quite the opposite..