Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

be careful for what you wish for. i had an (unplanned) pregancy after 2 boys and had my lovely daughter. however, she is profoundly disabled - wheelchair bound, non-verbal, requires care for all her needs etc. just be grateful for what you have - the biggest gift of all is a healthy child.

If both of you aren’t on board then it just won’t work. If you don’t have another, you will resent your husband, if you do then he may resent you.

I had two boys and then a girl. I was ready to stop at 2 but we had a happy little surprise, which resulted in our daughter. I do feel that if this didn’t happen then I may have eventually grieved for the daughter I wasn’t going to have. So I understand what you’re saying.

have you considered fostering? I’m wondering if that may fill the gap for you and help you overcome whatever struggles you had during childhood. You would also be supporting a child in need x

Lives are not perfect - they really aren’t. And we want mostly things were don’t have.

My best friend is married to a gorgeous loving man and he does 50/50 and they both wanted children - tried for 15 years and 3 rounds of ivf. No baby. They looked into adopting and found it very traumatic - they have a beautiful house, lots of money and she doesn’t work but no child to run around in there.

My local friend like you wanted a girl but had two boys both with high needs SEN, she persuaded her husband and they now have another high needs Sen Son. She is now pregnant with another boy.

My brother I’m not in contact With, wanted a boy he had two girls.

I am happy with my two. But both have SEN and I have no supportive partner so it’s very hard.

I know you might consider me stupid but can you volunteer at brownies or guides?

Please go see a counselor and work through your feelings about having a daughter. Do this for your sake, for your marriage's sake, and for the sake of your two sons.

I’m sure the poster is aware of planes being in existence.

Why must you be so rude and unhelpful on every post I happen to cross you? Are you doing it on purpose or are you genuinely a tone deaf and ignorant creature? I’m not sure which is worse.

You need help. Lots of it. You can't destroy your family over this. And there's a good chance you'd have another boy. What then? And if you have a girl there is a risk that you'd be unhealthily obsessed with her. Get help.

YABU

Even if you had a daughter she will be her own brand new person who has no idea about all these pre made plans in your head. As such she probably won’t want to do the things in the way you had imagined. you would push her away.

I don’t want to be mean but the strength of this longing, that you’re willing to end a happy relationship and separate children from their father to gamble on a 3rd child which your husband thinks you can’t afford? I think you need to talk this through with someone. It’s wild to do this to your life which something that might not even happen. I feel a bit sorry for your kids and husband- do you think they might pick up on the fact you don’t think your life is good enough as it is? Could be sad for them.

You to need to leave and seek help if you crying all day
Your two sons do not deserve this

Would your husband say no more if you had 2 girls ?

Honestly feel for those reading this that can’t have children. You need to get therapy before your poor boys end up in therapy.

I think you need to read your first post again, because it most certainly does not say that.

I find your attitude really really shocking. Imagine those poor boys learning that you broke up the family because they weren’t enough.

Grief is real in all it's forms and only truly understood by those who are experiencing it first hand.

I really think you need to spend some time reading the many, many threads on here from women who have experienced infertility and baby loss to get some perspective.

Yes, grief is real. But framing your disappointment at not getting everything you want as "grief" and using this as justification for pressuring your DH into having a child he doesn't want is just manipulative.

If I very much want to move to the countryside but my DH wants to stay in the city, does that mean I'm "grieving"?

If I want a dog but my DH doesn't want one am I allowed to be devestated and claim I'm in the throws of "grief"?

If I apply for my dream job and don't get it can I claim I'm "grieving" the loss of a job I never had?

Your posts are all about your wants, your needs, your feelings. You've justified that level of self-absorbtion to yourself by deciding that you can't possibly help it because you're in the throes of "grief" and no one else can possibly understand your pain. I'm sorry but disappointment is just a part of life. You can choose to dwell on it or try to move on from it. Telling yourself that you're "grieving", that you've experienced a "loss", when actually you're just not getting everything you want in life, like the vast majority of other people, isn't helping you.

I was going to say that in my post just above but decided not to. But honestly as somebody who is childless not through choice, it was at the forefront of my mind. Talk about not counting your blessings. It is sickening.

The point of my thread is my husband doesn't not want a third, even if we could guarantee a girl. He will not budge.

I'm with your husband. Sorry.

OP, I absolutely don't think you're being unreasonable to feel how you do - your heart wants what it wants and people - even the ones on here who seem to think they could - can't switch that off just by 'realising' it.

I also think it's perfectly natural to be feeling resentment towards your husband. Marriage is about considering the wants of the other person and it must feel to you that he isn't doing that. To have this decision be totally in his hands (you made it very clear you 100% respect that you can't make him have a baby against his will) must make you feel utterly powerless and desperate.

I hear you, I think you don't need to be at all ashamed of what you're feeling. But I do think you need to address it. Long-term anger and unhappiness like this can do no good for you, your marriage or your family. I know you said you don't think therapy will change the way you're feeling, but it might help you to be able to carry it better, even if it doesn't totally go away.

And couples counselling could be really useful in truly understanding your husband's point of view better and having him hear yours - when we feel unheard of makes the feelings of resentment so much worse. If you can understand where the other is coming from it could help you overcome this as a family, even if the answer is still no.

I agree with this.

I know a woman who had three lovely boys. She persuaded her husband to have one more, because she wanted a girl so badly. She made no secret of it, and freely talked about her longing for a daughter in front of her boys 😔 She did have a girl, who she spoiled rotten. Twenty years on, and none of her sons have anything to do with her anymore. It's so damaging for your boys, OP!

Count your blessings.

Seriously.

Count your blessings.

I had to stop after 2 boys due to severe preeclampsia. Yes I wanted a girl and for a while when my boys were small I always wondered if I'd always feel 'incomplete'. My boys are now 9 & 11 and I can't even fathom having another. Once we/ I accepted life as a family of 4 I spent a long time focusing on why being a strong unit was such a positive thing - and I'm grateful I did that as I believe in our family absolutely and truly.
Get some counselling, try and accept your reality. The best option for your children is to have a happy & secure family unit, once you get past this hurdle it's absolutely achievable.

Respectfully, talking this through in therapy I think would do you a lot of good. Your feelings are valid, but there’s so much to consider here- why is your heart so set on a girl? It seems quite an extreme thing to travel abroad for selective IVF just to choose the sex of a baby, and a huge expense obviously. Do you think your boys would be upset when they’re older and it clicks that you went to these measures to ensure you don’t have another boy? I imagine it could be quite hurtful to them in the future if they ever feel they ‘weren’t enough’ (I know you’ve said that it’s not the case, but you cannot control their feelings on it either).

The longing for a child is so all-consuming, it took years to conceive my boy and the feeling of emptiness every month when I’d do another negative pregnancy test was just crushing. If you were to try and conceive naturally and had another boy, would you resent them in those hard first months? I know you’ve said you’d stop at three- but would you really, or would you be tempted to try a final time after that?

My MIL wanted a girl. She had four boys. She does, however, have a lovely granddaughter now who she dotes on.

At the end of the day, it’s a new life, a person with hopes and dreams- not a puzzle piece to make an idealized vision of a ‘perfect’ family. I hope you find peace, it sounds like you’re in a great deal of turmoil.

I do feel your pain - sometimes things that seem so irrational to everyone else affect you in a different way.. I felt the same about a daughter - just couldn’t imagine not having one.. rational? No but it was how I felt!

I was lucky enough to have her eventually after my gorgeous boy and I adore them equally - like many comments I’m probably closer to him than her in some ways.

Even after that I wanted a 3rd.. wouldn’t mind a boy or a girl but it would cause a huge risk to my health so DH has said no more and I know that’s the right decision. I’ve learnt to accept it, it wasn’t easy but I’ve managed to come to terms despite times when it was so all consuming I couldn’t put it out of my mind.

So not exactly the same scenario but I say all this in the hope in time you can get to a place of acceptance if that’s what you decide xx

I'm surprised by a lot of these responses. I know many people who particularly wanted a boy or girl and tried for another and hoped for the opposite sex. This isn't usual! It's also not unusual for one to desperately want more and the other to not. On your salaries money can't be the real issue. 3 is harder than 2 I assume that's the real reason. I am sure I would have felt the same as you. I also desperately wanted a girl. I didn't have a sister and really wanted one. I don't love my son any less because he is a boy. I felt a desperate need for another baby as soon as I had my 2nd. Couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm sure it was hormonal. I think if he won't budge therapy is the only way you will be able to work through your feelings. Maybe together so he can really explain to you why he so desperately doesn't want anymore. Maybe if you can really understand why he doesn't it will help you to come to terms with it.

@Stephjea Have you considered discussing this in relationship counselling?

I understand that you feel resentment because he won't try. I wonder if he will reset you and the new child if he's pushed into doing something he doesn't want to do.

Unfortunately, there's no middle ground on this. You need to decide together.

If your husband is done, then I strongly suggest he has a vasectomy.

I think you both need to attend therapy - together. You feel resentment that he condensed your timetable for starting a family and now he won’t countenance a third: that’s pretty high handed stated like that. This is not just a ‘you’ problem and your husband saying YOU need therapy is a bit shitty of him actually. I’ve skimmed the thread so obvs if this is different that’s why.

I have heard of people going abroad for IVF and choosing gender. I’m not expressing opinions on this however it is something that has happened.

Ultimately these are yours and your husbands choices and it seems you’re not feeling that you get much choice here and that’s only going to breed contempt if you don’t address it as a couple.

Anyone talking about "grief" in this situation, for a non existent, imagined child of preferred sex (and having kids already) does not understand the meaning of the word.