Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

You being front and centre.

You should have paid for a gender selection clinic for number two. If you go with nature, then you accept what nature gives you.

And be grateful nature did give to you!

So your dh chose the thread title, presumably he can then see/read the thread. He knows you feel so unhappy about this, you feel you want to divorce him but you won't? Beware he doesn't decide to divorce you for your bitterness. I wanted a 3rd child too & dh said no. I grieved it and moved on. You sound like you need therapy to process this.

I have four boys. No girls. Just so you know that trying again won't necessarily give you what you desire. Luckily I didn't mind each time.

Get a girl puppy.

And what happens when you have another boy? Badger your husband in to a 4th?

I've not read the full thread but read bits. I don't agree with the stick you are getting @Stephjea

"AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?" In my opinion, you are NOT being unreasonable to be disappointed and resentful.

Although, not in your position, I do understand how you must feel. You say you always wanted 3 girls, had you and your husband agreed on having 3 children before you got married? I know my husband and I spoke about the number of children we were happy with trying for before we got engaged.

I do think your husband is being unreasonable to think he can make all of the important decisions, regardless of your feelings, especially given that he wanted children sooner than you and he got his way. I'm guessing your husband acts like the "man of the house", and you just have to put up with it, which must be frustrating for you.

I'm sorry that your husband won't compromise on this, when you have compromised for him in the past.

I hope you manage to find a way to deal with this, x

Puppies and cats very much not allowed either. Not that I want either. I did want a cat for a while. But accepted he doesn't want one.

As opposed to what many seem to believe on this post, I don't throw my toys out of the pram every time I "don't get my way".

As with everything, there are no's you are happy to accept and others that are harder to not feel heartbroken by.

Utterly ridiculous. Get a grip and be thankful that you have two children - and pray to god your disappointment has been well hidden over the years.

I'm astounded you would consider putting your existing children through a divorce on the off chance that you find another partner, get pregnant, the pregnancy goes to term and its a girl - all within 5 year or so?
The chances are extremely small.
The chances of having two very upset boys and a very reduced lifestyle are much higher.

While I understand you longing for a girl your feelings are completely natural for this btw.. but if your husband has said no, it wouldn’t be fair on your other children to divorce over him having feelings aswell?

you could try couple’s counselling to try and overcome this, your emotions will be everywhere right now and there taking over you at the minute.

you need to sit and tell your husband exactly how you feel genuinely and honestly and how you feel about your future with him and the resentment, it’s never good to keep things bottled up!
you then need to prepare for him to be honest back.. he has every right to say no..

you need to think of how lucky you are having children, some women can’t even have children and are longing for just the love of there own child.. please be thankful for what you do have, your children will pick up on this rejection because they are boys.. they will grow up with insecurities and feeling unwanted. Make the most of them ❤️

Please don't do this.

Babies are people. Not fucking bargaining chips.

All of this obsessing is eating away in to living in the moment with your boys. If you do end up having a girl and the longing then obviously wears off, you are going to then wish you had appreciated and made the most of your boys because the days don’t come back.

I know you love your boys and you say they are your world, and I fully believe you 100%. But your headspace is really full and later down the line it might come back to bite you in the form of regret.

I think talking to someone might be the best way.

Growing older is about learning to accept the things we cannot change. I feel this longing for a daughter may not be satisfied by having an actual daughter, it sounds bigger and deeper than that.

Your have two boys, what a wonderful good fortune. I wish you well.

What's meant for you won't go by you. It's a true saying. You are meant to have the children you have for a reason.

I have gynaecological issues and it is a blessing that my four children will never go through the sh*t I have been through. I am relieved for them no end, you have no idea.

Sorry you can't even consider a pet where you can choose freely a boy or girl if that's really what would soften it for you.

As others have said that you may want to consider speaking to a counsellor just to let off steam about it.

Love your sons, they need you in the present ❤️

@Stephjea Have pm’d you something you might find helpful

No way is the OP right for fostering anyone never mind vulnerable children. FFS children in care are not to make others feel better. FH.

My advice will probably be unpopular, but I desperately wanted another baby and my DH didn’t. He left me for another woman just after I had surgery that prevented my having any more children. I’ve never truly got over the “loss” of my chance to have that last baby.
Yes, you have two children, which is more than many women ever have but I absolutely understand that deep longing.

But please be kind to yourself it’s hard to come to terms with but your boys are your world & eventually you will say why did I ever want anything else ❤️

You've had a hard time on here OP.

I don't totally understand the longing, but I do remember feeling a bit disappointed the first time around when we found out at a scan, for reasons due to my own childhood and identity, which eased by the time my first was born. And have never resurfaced since, as my first child is totally and utterly their own person, and I adore them unreservedly.

One thing I would say is that I haven't seen how old your existing kids are? I'm guessing youngest over 3 maybe?

I think that you are panicking a bit too much about being 35 (and you can for far less money than getting IVF abroad pay to check your egg reserve if you are), which is putting a firm of "now or never" pressure on a decision that you and your husband do not agree on at present. And may never agree on.

One thing I would say is that if your boys are over 3 and quite close, then having a third will naturally split for quite a while along the lines that you are with baby/toddler and they are with dad. So your boys will lose out on individual time with you for a bit due to having a third without much benefit to them until far later down the line. Have you thought about how that would feel? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just to add that this is a typical third child "trade off" that you might not be weighting as much because you are so desperate for that daughter. You might benefit from looking at some of the "third child" threads generally, which provide a range of views about expansion as a whole, just to see if you can connect with wider "expanding your family" arguments rather than "having a daughter" ones.

Good luck! Do have therapy and give it a year - it's a big decision and 35 is not the cliff edge that is presented scientifically - it's a decline, but not as dramatic as that.

I'm so sorry to hear this. How utterly devastating for you

It really does read as you wanting the fantasy of having a daughter. Rather than considering her to be a person in her own right, with all the quirks of humans.

No one should coerce someone else to have a baby, it should be two equally willing parties, it does feel like you are emotionally blackmailing your husband on this issue. All this dramatic “I can’t help how I feel!” Yes you can, with therapy and talking and reasoning with yourself it is possible to change your thoughts. But I don’t think you want to.

I agree, I have known some couples who longed for a child with no success and they would have loved to have even one, boy or girl.

OP, there's nothing wrong with privately wishing for a daughter but being so obsessed with it is unhealthy. Having two children is marvellous, you are truly blessed. I think you will realise that as time goes on.

Don't put your marriage in jeopardy.

Talk to him about what he can do for you in recompense for letting your dream go. You might find that having a third child might not seem so bad to him then

What happens to the healthy unwanted male embryos created during IVF? Are they just destroyed?