Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

Why? I'm going to repeat what pp have asked - what did you want from a daughter that you didn't get from a son?

Huh? Almost all posters have said that her husband is being completely reasonable and that him saying no means it has to be a no.

Not read the whole thread but the big issue here is that you seem to have an idea of what raising a theoretical daughter would be like (what does a girl give you over a boy?) and that’s not something to put on any child. Also wait long enough and you may get a DIL or two, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

You are choosing a maybe over your husband. I feel for you because fertility stuff is so painful but I feel for your husband too. You are essentially saying your marriage is not enough. And you're also considering bringing your boys up in a broken home to get the girl you desire. This is an extreme reaction which suggests you may well be depressed or need some talking therapy before making rash decisions.

You're not alone in your pain. So many of us dreamt of different families. But you are blaming your husband and that is wrong. He hasn't prevented you from having a girl. But he is allowed to choose not to bring another child into the world.

You can't help how you feel. All feelings are valid. It's your actions you can control.

I will argue that the action you should take is absolutely not to have anymore children. If your third is a boy, even though you will love him, I do think there will be a lot of disappointment and even resentment there. It's not fair on any of them.

Furthermore I actually think having a girl would be an even worse result. Clearly there is some trauma in your life relating to your own relationship with your mother and it sounds like you are trying to fix that with a daughter. This is unfair to your hypothetical daughter and very likely not going to give you what you are looking for.

You said you aren't expecting her to be girly. But I'll bet you're expecting her to be a certain way, more than you did with your boys. You've been imagining this for all these years. You have this fantasy in your head and it's very very unlikely she will be like your fantasy.

What if she's not like you expect? What if you're not close? What if she wants to live away? What if she ends up trans? (I know a controversial topic here but if she decides when she's older that she will not be referred to as a girl then there's not a lot you can do, no matter your own feelings on the topic).

It's yourself/your inner child you need to reparent. Look into a therapy like IFS which will address this.

If you don't care for therapy and don't think it will help then fair enough. You can't control your feelings but you can control your actions and you should be actively choosing yourself not to have a third. Choose it for the hypothetical daughter who you already care so much for.. Because you are 100% going to put a lot of your trauma on her in an attempt to heal yourself and it's simply not fair.

If that means grieving for the rest of your life then so be it. Surely that's better than having a daughter as a form of therapy. Which must be what this is because although it's normal for people to have slight gender preferences, the level of emotion you're having here indicates it's about your own issues and trauma.

Sorry op but I think you'd both have to really want the experience of another baby to have a third. And it sounds like you want a daughter more than you want another baby, if that makes sense.

I believe 'the unmumsy mum' has written about this subject before. She has 3 boys, it might help you to look her up.

I was you but wanted a boy. Went on to have a third and had lots of problems in the pregnancy. I got to the stage where I just wanted the baby to survive. It was a third girl but by then it just didn’t matter. And my older two loved her so much.

I was a child that knew I wanted a daughter and it stayed with me into adulthood. I knew what I’d call them and envied other mum’s of girls. I had a childhood where I experienced things that I knew I’d make sure my daughter didn’t. Having birth children didn’t work out for me, and I went through the adoption process in my 40’s. The child I envisaged was a girl and I came to realise through the process I wanted her to have the childhood I wanted. It’s such an in-depth process to adopt and towards the end of that journey I realised I’d be a better mum to a boy. I felt like I was over invested in a daughter and that maybe a with a boy they wouldn’t be my fantasy child, they’d just be themself. I think although it was my dream I’d have overidentified with a girl and that I am actually a better boy-mum. It is a loss though x

I was a much-loved and much-wanted surprise only born to a couple who were in their 40s. My mother absolutely had this vision of what feminity was - not so much ‘girly stuff’, as pink unicorns weren’t so much a thing back then, but she had this vision of me wearing sprigged-print Laura Ashley dresses which were definitely not me. I was not in any shape or form her ideal vision of a daughter, and though we loved each dearly and were actually close, we clashed from the off, right through to the end of her long life, and it often brought needless distress to us both.

PP have warned you of similar. You say you wouldn’t put pressure on this hypothetical daughter. But you would, if you had her, by the very nature of the longing you have now and its deep-seated roots in your vision of three girls. You are already putting pressure on yourself and on your husband - you feel you must try, you want your husband to change his mind. So you are piling on pressure without necessarily being aware of it.

Let it be.

This is an interesting point of view. I'm my case it was the opposite but I am convinced your relationship with your parents have a lot to do.

I had and still have a bad relationship with my own mother. She was controlling and not not prepared for being a mother. I still dread being with her as she is still horrible. I like my dad very much.

I have 3 children. When I got pregnant with my first I assumed (?) it was a boy. When I found out she was a girl I had a strange reaction. I don't know if it was fear but didn't like the news. Once she was born I loved her from the minute she was born.
My second was a boy and didn't have the same reaction when I found out. I assumed it was going to be an easy and lovely relationship.
My third was a girl and felt very happy when I heard. By then I already lost the fear of having that horrible relationship with my DD. That's your past and you realise you make the future you want to have.

I have 3 boys.

It's a heartbreaking situation for you but imagine if he was the one who wanted a third and you didn't and felt forced. It would be wrong wouldn't it. So same applies here. If he's not on board and you really can't get past this, try fheraoy/ counselling first and look at all options before thinking of separation over this.

I know you said you've thought if it but really what will happen to you if you get another boy? Nothing has been solved then and your husband will feel even more resentment potentially leading to conflict down the line again anyway.

You need a professional to help you both talk this through and understand each other.

I understand your feelings OP. I grew up in a matriarchal family and longed for girls. My DM was very disappointed when any of our boys were born. I suffered horrendous PND and then studied psychology to try to understand why.
PM me if you want to talk.

Wow, I think you are getting a really hard time here. But your feelings are real and you want things to feel better.

I could be you atm - 2 awesome boys, but a deep longing for a daughter that I didn't really know I had until it seemed unlikely to be fulfilled. DH not keen on a third at all. It is quite difficult not to feel resentful and feel that the opportunity to have 'my' daughter is being withheld from me. I have started feeling better about it over time but it's not resolved. I have found it easier to discuss more recently because DH is being more open to discussing why and admits he is torn. And actually that has helped me see that I am torn too. We'd both have to accept not just a third boy (and I would see any baby as lovely!!) but also that there could be complications. I have previously had an infected miscarriage and was very unwell, there's twins in the family etc...

I wonder if it would help you if your DH could discuss the reasons more openly with you - I feel he is being absolute because he's worried you will wear him down if he seems unsure... and in turn maybe that is making you more absolute and resentful?

OP, i am the youngest of 3 sisters, none of us talk to each other, there was no end to resentment, jealousy, not accepting of each others personalities or quirks growing up, we all wanted to be number 1, it may be all fine and dandy for you, but when you are gone? The boys will know she was the favourite, lt wa tear your whole family apart

I'm old enough now to see the silliness of it but the damage is done, in our 40's we all have a close relationship with our parents but they are in the middle.

Siblings, boy or girl do not equal happiness

Thank you. Another insightful post

My sister desperately wanted a girl she had 3 boys, then a girl. Her DD was a real Tom boy. My sister had envisioned taking her to dance classes and her playing with dolls. Nope, she used to take her dresses off because she didn't like them and played with her brother's toys. You can't choose the sex of your DC, unless you adopt a DC. Then you get to choose. Would your DH agree to adopt a DD?

I understand wanting a daughter, I have two boys and did have a daughter, but she passed away. We can't try for another baby due to a health problem that could be passed down (father's side). I know this is really hard, but trust me, it's not worth losing your family over. You will regret letting this destroy your marriage at worst, at best you'll regret the resentment it caused you to feel towards your husband. I love my partner with all my heart, but I did feel resentment when he didn't want to have another child after our first. I thought it would break us but it did not, and we're so much stronger as a couple now. I still long for a daughter sometimes especially because I don't have any sisters or female friends I'm close to, but I accept that my daughter that passed was the only girl i'll ever have and I'm so thankful for my two boys and partner. Counselling did help, it still stings to know I'll never get to raise a daughter. I won't lie and say the feeling goes away but with time I've learnt to live with it

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

well, you do need to hear it because the reality is you could end up with another boy.

Perhaps, yes. However the OP's wording - the form, not the content - suggests otherwise to me.

Thank you. I think you have understood the gist of my post.
Absolutely noting to do with 'hating' my sons.

You need some sort of help. I feel sorry for your poor children, and your longing for a girl (which you might not get) doesn't trump your husband's not wanting another child for very valid reasons. He also probably knows what is likely to happen if you have another son. You need to grow up and be thankful for the children you already have and be a parent who doesn't spend their days crying over something so silly.

I don't want want to broach this topic as I think it's a sideline and everyone will jump on it. There are ways of guaranteeing a girl.

Do you mean what this appears it to mean?

That you would terminate a pregnancy if it was a boy?
There is no other way to guarantee a girl.

Is this the reverse of men in certain cultures wanting to ensure a son (by any means)?

My Dad had 5 DD's. We all knew he'd have loved a boy but instead he threw himself into being the best Dad to us girls. I went to the cricket with him. My sister was taken to football with him. He loved his Grandchildren, granddaughters and grandsons though and it was lovely to see him so excited with them all. Maybe you'll get a DGD in time and a daughter in law.