Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

This with bells on.

No matter how much op says she loves her boys, all I see is someone so desperate for a girl, her boys sound like second rate citizens. I'm sorry if this isn't true, op, but it is very much how it comes across.

I have two boys. DH is done. I respect that. A third would be nice (I don't have preferences for boy / girl) but DH is categorically done and I'm happy with life with my two boys. Throw your energy into your sons, get some counselling for this girl stuff and enjoy your family as is.

Please go back and read the end of my original post.

I am totally with your husband if you’d go to the lengths of genetic sex selection. Come on OP - it’s hugely unethical for so many reasons. It sounds like you’re totally idealising this, which after already having children, I’m frankly amazed by. You can’t pick any aspect of them - sex / looks / personality / intelligence etc. It’s horrible to think someone could be so vacuous about motherhood.

OK, so you don’t want therapy.
You don’t want to discuss what you’ll do if you have another boy.
You don’t want to discuss going to a foreign clinic to have IVF to ensure a girl.
You don’t want to discuss the cost of that treatment.

Why did you post?
Did you just want people to agree that your husband is a nasty meany?

oh honey....you aren't going to get approved by any decent adoption panel if you go in saying "my motivation for adopting is because I want a girl"

Also, I think whether you can afford a third is a red herring. Your husband may be using it as an excuse, perhaps even subconsciously to himself, because he can’t bear what will happen if your third is a boy (a 70%+ probability). And he may have very real fears that your resentment may build until you leave him with three boys. Men have fears, though they often communicate them differently. I would definitely recommend therapy for yourself, but it would not be a bad idea to have some sessions for you both together as well.

You need therapy. Simple as that.

I really agree that you should get some therapy to unpack the reasons why you want a girl so much, and what you think a girl will bring you your life.

A cautionary tale. I wanted a girl. I got a girl. Having always been a tomboy, my daughter transitioned when she was 13 and is now a boy. I have a son instead of a daughter. It is remarkable (and surprising) how little difference this has made. He is still the same person. But this is something that could happen - how would you feel if you got your girl and she decided she wanted to be a boy?

Would your husband be willing to leave the door open on a third if you went and got therapy, spent a good year working on healing from your past issues with your mum and strengthening your relationship/ getting over the resentment? Perhaps he is so closed off now because you are so fixated on it? Take the pressure off for a bit and see if that helps?

If he is absolutely dead set that he wants to stop at 3 then the only thing you can do is access some therapy to come to terms with it and perhaps fill that void in other ways later in life? Fostering / working with vulnerable young girls etc - please don’t think I’m being flippant. Many people find their own comfort in doing this sort of work.

There aren’t ways of guaranteeing a girl that are legal in this country. And it’s illegal here for very good reasons. Little girls available for adoption are not there to satisfy the needs of adults with problems either. You do need to see someone about this and sort yourself out. Sorry to be harsh but you do not come over well in this thread at all. It all seems to be about you, nothing about your potential daughter, wherever she may come from.

Could you cope if you transferred female embryos and they didn't work?

Are you currently staying with your DH in the hopes that you can wear him down and get your girl? You love your family, adore your boys, you haven't said you love your DH.

I feel for your husband, especially if he knows everything you've told us and is reading this thread. I wouldn't feel very loved or valued if my partner considered a hypothetical child so much more important than me that they'd hold this much resentment or even consider leaving me.

I didn't say I don't want therapy.

I don't want to discuss IVF, etc because I don't want the post to become about whether it's an ethical choice or not - it's already going down this route. Again, adoption is an option.
I haven't discussed what route I'd be going down, for various reasons. There are ways of increasing your chances of one sex or another, for example, as someone else has posted. Again, my post isn't about this and I don't want it to become about this.

My post is purely about my feelings.

You are mentally ill, pay for therapy.

Children aren't therapy. There are many reasons people want children, but wanting one as a way to try to heal from trauma you haven't dealt with yet, is very wrong. You need help to deal with that. Not a daughter.

You say you don't want to break up your family, but your misguided resentment and this underlying issue might do that anyway.

If you love your husband you wouldn't want a divorce over this.

It's highly possible you would have another boy anyway. There are never any guarantees.

You are very fortunate to have two lovely children, many would envy you.

I remember feeling broody in my mid to late thirties but I got over it and am glad. So will you. There are other things in life.

No, thank you. This helps

Kids have an amazing intuition, and even if you think you're keeping your feelings from them they will know. They will feel it. Please make peace with it - as others have said - therapy.

If this is true I feel so sorry for your sons.

Hi OP, I think maybe you need to work through the reasons why you want a girl so badly...maybe speaking to a professional will help you through that and you should hopefully then realise that having a girl probably won't give you what you're looking for. And also talk through the fact you're not going to have a girl as your husband doesn't want another baby...maybe it'll be like a grieving process. This may help stop the resentment towards your husband?

I do think you need to seriously think whether you need to speak to someone as it's not fair to resent your husband like this (I also don't think having children a little earlier than planned is an equal compromise to having a third child, as you seem to think). Your children may also pick up on an atmosphere etc.

You have two beautiful boys. As we say in Ireland, you need to cop on, OP. Honestly, I think maybe your husband should divorce you. If this is your priority, then you're a fool.

How will you and your potential third son feel when he wasn’t a daughter? And what then, a fourth? Fifth? How far are you willing to go?

Sorry but I’ve no sympathy with people who want a certain sex of baby. I know people will tell me I’m not being fair but that’s how I feel. If you want another child that’s one thing, but to want another one purely because you’re hoping it’s a girl isn’t right. I’m with your DH on this one. Sorry. And I say this as a mum of boys.

Why anyone is still entertaining the OP is beyond me.