Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

@Stephjea I am so sorry you feel so, so sad about not having a girl, but as you say there are reasons why it matters so much to you, I do think you need to get some counselling so that you can understand exactly what it is that is making you so desperate for a little girl. You may think you know, but a good counsellor should be able to help you unravel how you are feeling and also help you to deal with maybe never having a daughter.

I'm sure you do love your little boys, but if they ever, ever, find out that you were so desperate to have a girl, they would in all probability feel like they weren't ever good enough for you. Again, a counsellor might help you to work through this, but that is what some other posters are getting at.

I do understand the longing for a little girl, really I do, but your Husband is within his rights to refuse due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns. Also, depending how many years older he is than you, he might actually feel he is too old and will have not enough energy to be the Father of another baby. It's not just 'the first 3 years' it's for many years beyond that. How old are your other 2 children?

Sigh. OP, I said a lot of other things in my comment as well. And yes, if your husband “supported” you posting this, you’re going to hedge everything, but if the very last SENTENCE of your OP is:

All I can think about is leaving him but I can’t and won’t for my boys.

Then that’s not a great argument. It’s not the 1950s, people don’t stay together for the kids especially if your resentment is already that bad, and you’ve said, ALL you can think of is leaving him…

The fact that you didn’t read anything else in my comment… I’m not sure what to tell you. Yes, there are ways to solve this. But not any that guarantee you a daughter. Definitely not adoption. They won’t allow it with domestic, and many, MANY foreign countries are now closed to adoptions abroad. Please, PLEASE don’t be willing to “buy” a baby from some terrifyingly expensive but barely legitimate service.

Thank you all.

I appreciate all the helpful, non judgemental posts.

The post wasn't made in the hopes of everyone agreeing.

Measured responses from posters who have chosen not not make personal attacks have been very helpful.

Grief is real in all it's forms and only truly understood by those who are experiencing it first hand.

So you don't want to discuss any of the context, or the logistics or the practicalities of different outcomes. Just post about your feelings - in the hope people will validate them?

A very small minority of responses are doing that and the overwhelming majority say you are unreasonably fixated on this theoretical "having a daughter".

It's not fair to your husband to force him to have a third child if he doesn't want to. End of story. Either accept that and move on, or don't, and presumably either drive him away with resentment or eventually leave yourself, idk.

You are DESPERATE for a girl!

There is obviously some kind of fulfilment that your sons don’t give you.

There is something that you feel only a daughter can give you.

If you were content in your life as a mother with just your sons then you wouldn’t have this obsession to have a daughter would you?

There is obviously a gap that they can’t fill.

You keep saying “you want to try for a third child” but that’s not what you mean at all. You mean you want to try again for a daughter, not a child.

You haven’t said why you so desperately want a daughter but I imagine that it’s an issue you need therapy over because this is not normal. Plus you should never have a baby in order to try and ‘fix’ something that is wrong with you, that’s an incredibly selfish thing to do and it will be the child that suffers.

Poor girl, assuming you manage to have daughter. That might sound harsh, but the pressure and responsibility on her shoulders will be immense. Your husband (forced to have her or risk losing his family) may resent her. Your sons (who realise that they weren't enough - saying 'they mean the world to you and you wouldn't change them for the world' but you would blow up your family because they are not enough for you - is a contradiction) will most likely resent her and you. Even worse if you force DH to go for a third and you have another boy. He'll be resented by everyone, including you because he's a boy and your marriage/family life fell apart because of him. Maybe consider counselling/therapy before you destroy what you have.

My mother had two girls and a boy and wanted another boy, but instead she got me, a girl and treated me like crap my whole life because she was so disappointed she didn't get her perfect family..
You can't always have what you want in life ,sometimes you just have to get on with life accept that and be glad you already have 2 lovely boys. There are so many people that can't have any children.

I understand the longing for a daughter. I understand the longing for a third child. But I don't understand how you would jeopardise the happiness of your two healthy, happy boys to satisfy that longing.

Your boys are here, now. They need a mother who adores them and puts them first.

Talk to someone professional in real life. Please.

Hope this is a wind up thread.
If it isn't, you need therapy OP. Prioritise the DCs you have now and try to get over this very selfish way of feeling.

I think with due respect you've probably become obsessed with the idea.
Your mind set is what the issue is not about if you actually have a girl or not. Being this distressed and upset about not having a girl is not balanced.
I would 100% get some councilling. I'm not saying your feelings aren't relevant because of course they are but they are disproportionate.
O a side note, if you had a 3rd child and it was a boy I would be worried at how upset you would be. I'm not saying you wouldn't love it, not at all but you would be left with loads of unresolved issues.

OP, I totally get you! I had b/g twins and would definitely have tried for a third if I had two boys.
I find that women’s desire for a girl is often dismissed as futile by other women (mums of boys most of the time).
Even now, loving my children equally, there is clearly something about raising another female that you don’t have when raising a boy: knowing what she will go through during puberty, teaching her about male/female dynamics in life and how to navigate, relationships, and later childbirth/maternity, etc.
Back to your question, my answer as to are you BU would depend on the following: financially could you afford a third? school fees, impact on retirement age, etc. If you are a SAHM and a third would mean your husband has to work longer would be a fair argument for him to say no. Similarly if it meant your DC would have to move from to state to afford it. Otherwise, I’ll be the lone voice saying YANBU.

You could end up with five kids in the pursuit of a girl. I don’t blame him saying no

Also, as someone who has seen the adoption process close up and the heartbreak for decent, eligible parents who get attached to potential adoptees to then not be able to adopt them due to the adoptees personal family circumstances and understand what adoptees go through I think it’s pretty hideous that you would suggest that you can use that process to your own gain, purely because you want a girl.

Hi OP,
I think you’re getting a hard time on here.
I think if your husband knew from the beginning how you envisioned your future (having a girl) then it is fair enough to expect him to support you in your quest. Like you said, you had children earlier to please him, so I don’t see the problem in expecting him to try for a 3rd to please you. It’s give and take. And ultimately, I couldn’t be with a man who was willing to see me be so devastated, knowing he had the ability to fix it. It seems like your desire for a 3rd is stronger than his desire to stop, therefore I think he should acquiesce because it means more to you. You will however, have to decide/agree that if no. 3 is a boy you will be content with your lot.

How can you be sure you'll have a girl? I have a friends who went on to have 5/6/7 plus boys before having girl and also the other way round. What happens who you have son number three and gender disappointment kicks in?

I'm going to reply and then go back and read the thread.

I was you, OP. In as much as I had a strong preference for a girl. I had two sons, decided to stop, then started a new relationship and had a third son. When I was pregnant with my third I was obsessed with having a girl. I was convinced by 'nub theory' that he was a girl and so, when I went for my 20 week scan and found out his sex I cried solidly for about a fortnight.

I really couldn't face the idea of not having a daughter. I was so jealous of people with girls. How was it so easy for them? Didn't they know how lucky they were? It wasn't fair. I was certain that we were going to have a fourth child to try again for a girl. My husband was the only one who knew how I felt because I knew it was bratty, but I also couldn't imagine that I would ever get over this longing.

But then I did. My third son came along and he was gorgeous, but also high needs. My first two sons started growing up and developing into fun young men. My longing for a daughter slowly faded. My DH and I realised we hadn't spoken about having a fourth for months... and then years.

And so here I am now. I am the mother of three amazing, unique, incredible sons. If I had had a daughter I am sure she would have been lovely as well, but I didn't and that's fine. That's all it is. It's just fine. I don't feel any envy towards people with daughters anymore. I long for a girl as much as I long for a baby, which is precisely zero.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you WILL get over this. It WILL fade. And you will learn to appreciate being a mother of sons.

I don't think you're unreasonable wanting a third. Other posters have been a bit mean I feel.

Of course he needs to agree but if it's really important to you I'd want to know the reasons your husband is denying you this as your want is completely valid as well as his denial...?

If it's purely financial then maybe sit down together and work out your finances to see what the implications would be.

It's really not right to have another child simply because you didn't get the sex you wanted. I know someone who did this and they didn't get a girl until child number 5, their marriage then broke down 🤷‍♀️

I really don't get people's obsession with having a child of a particular sex. They're children. All similar in ways and different in others regardless of sex. I suppose everyone is different.

OP if you divorce your husband will you be trying to find someone to have a third child with?

Thank you. Posts like these are what I needed.

I think unless you have had a longing for a child (be it a gender or a quantity) it's hard to picture what it feels like.

I am not in the slightest claiming I am unhappy with my sons as many seem to suggest.

The way things go these days, you will be buying dresses for your two DS before the decade is out anyway.

You want to destroy a marriage because of this? Thank your lucky stars you have healthy children some people can't have any.

Trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter.

I just cannot understand why people are so obsessed with having girls. I wanted a DS after having multiple sisters as they were all a bloody nightmare tbh and he was and is wonderful. He is absolutely my best friend. He's an adult now.
I imagined living in a fairy castle as a child - it simply is not realistic.
What if your third child is a boy? Will you want a fourth.?
I hope your boys never find out they are not good enough for you.
You need to work on your relationship with them and go to counselling I think.
My Dsis is almost 50 and spent her life and a fortune trying to have a baby, she had a boy and is overjoyed, he is the sweetest little thing.

Sympathies @Stephjea

I was in a very similar position to you a number of years ago. I just always wanted to have a daughter. When I had my first son, the feeling disappeared for a while and gender felt irrelevant. Then in my second pregnancy, gender wasn't on my mind much at all. But some years later I started to get an itch, not just to have a 3rd but to have a daughter. A very strong itch and I just couldn't settle or move on from it.

DH would have stopped at one, so two was already pushing it! So there was a lot of discussion. As there should be I guess. Ultimately it came down to strength of feeling I suppose -it mattered more to me to have another than to him not to. He was prepared to be a dad again and even if it wasn't his first choice for the next stage of his life, he knew that all the feelings would be there again and he'd step up. He accepted that I would live with huge regret and resentment if I reached my post fertile years without trying again. And living with that would have an impact on all of us. He was able to sit down and properly weigh up all the implications and likely outcomes rather than just saying no. He was not prepared for any kind of sex selection though. I think if he was honest this was actually because he was hoping for another boy...but I didn't realise that until we had the scan that revealed that we were having a daughter...

I understand about what people are saying -kids are kids and they are all different. There are more differences between my sons than the boys&girl in my house. But I have definitely had different experiences as a mum of a daughter in the activities, the hanging out with other mums with daughters while the girls play is different too...there are lots of little things that add up...not sure I'm looking forward the teen years though. And sometimes if you've been a daughter in difficult circumstances with difficult parenting (or a mother/daughter relationship) because of the way you might identify with a daughter, it can feel psychologically harder...having a daughter is not a good way to rewrite your own history and if the urge comes from that beware.

I don't think you need to pathologise your urge. We are built for procreation and some of us will feel that urge more than others and experience it in different ways. I think you need to find a way to come to an agreement from both of your positions. That's basic couples counselling. Both of you should go. Talk about your positions and work your way toward some sort of agreement. Ultimately he can say he doesn't want another child and that has to be respected, but he also has to respect how you feel and give your position due consideration too.