Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

Divorce he isn't for you anymore

Are your DH's concerns about having a third child valid? Would it be difficult financially, emotionally?

Would he feel a failure if he relented and agreed to try for a third, only for the baby to be a boy?

Would he forever be concerned that you'll be pressuring him to try for a fourth?

If you had a boy, would he be 'enough'? Would you love him as much as you love your current two?

If I were your DH and saw the 'pain' you are in wanting a daughter, I'd be feeling pretty inadequate. And that your boys are at risk of being sidelined. As much as you love them, adore them they are your world etc, you've made it very clear that they are not enough.

I can't help how I feel.

You keep saying that op but I'm not sure that's totally true.

It is massively tough not having the life you would have chosen, but most people don't. It's not easy.

In your shoes, I would look around you at what you do have, count your many many blessings, and do everything you can to make the best life possible in the circumstances. Your husband isn't going to change his mind, so get busy living the most positive, fun, enjoyable, fulfilling life you can. Talk to a therapist.
The alternative is that you do nothing, and waste your life longing for a reality that will never be.
If having a third child was not an option at all, what would you do?

OP you seem sure that you will only want 3 children, and that if you have a 3rd boy, you’ll accept it. How will you accept it? What thought processes will you go through that will take away the aching for a daughter? Because if you’re so sure you can find acceptance with 3 boys, why not use that same mental strategy to find acceptance with 2 boys?

You actually sound like a gambling addict - one last bet to recoup my losses, and then I’ll stop.

I know you think you'll stop at a third, but that longing for a girl will be there still if you continue trying.

If you do have a girl, there's every chance with 2 older brothers she'll be a Tom boy.

I went to counselling because our 1 child is disabled, we had always planned for 2 kids and with our DDs needs, we couldn't have another without giving both less attention than they deserve and need.

So we aren't. We waited 4 years to see if we still felt that way they hubby got the snip.
It didn't change me desperately wanting another. And I still think about it when people get pregnant or discuss other kids or I get asked (lovely when that happens 🙄).

I went to counselling and it really helped. No it doesn't make it go away, but it makes me think about it and process it differently.
I really recommend counselling OP.

Or get a female dog or cat. I know it isn't the same so much but I know someone who couldn't breed girls, had three boys so got two girl dogs

A 3rd child might also be a boy (as might a 4th,5th,6th etc). At what point will say ok enough is enough.
what is you do get a girl but then it doesn’t live up to your expectations in terms of what you think a girl will be.

You can't compromise on the number of children you have.

The one who doesn't want any more MUST trump the one who does.

No-one is entitled to make someone a parent if they don't want to be/think they have enough children already

What is it you specifically want about a daughter that you don’t get by having sons already?

OP what is it exactly about having a girl that you are so focussed on? What do you think a girl can bring you that your boys can’t?

I’m not asking this in a judgmental way, I’m just curious what it is you think you will have with a girl that you don’t have (or could have) with your sons?

Not allowed a second cat either. I wouldn't want a dog at this stage in our lives.

Yabu. If you get another boy then what? I never understand this need for one sex or the other. I understand some people assume they’ll get a mini me and do lots of girly things together when in reality that’s not always the case.

How could you possibly know you wikld be happy to stop at 3 if it's another boy?

Your emotional reaction is so extreme to not having a girl is so extreme, you can't possibly know your reaction would be any different to what it is now.

If you do 100% know that, it suggests your emotional reaction is a choice and manipulation tactic

OP lots of people have asked how you’ll find the strength to move on if you have another boy, but you won’t answer. I’m guessing you haven’t actually considered this possibility.

I also agree that you need therapy and that to some extent it won’t change that you want a daughter. However, it should help you to overcome what a strong and overwhelming need you have to have a daughter. Therefore, it should be able to help you and your marriage.

What is it you particularly picture about having a girl…? Because you know that what you are imagining is likely miles from what the reality would be. And then you’d need to be back in therapy (as will your daughter) because she’ll never live up to your expectations etc.

I don't want want to broach this topic as I think it's a sideline and everyone will jump on it. There are ways of guaranteeing a girl.

Do you have the money to pay for this? Or would your husband have to pay? Do you know how much it costs?

And it’s not a sideline. It’s the single most important issue in this whole sad situation.

I do understand your feelings as I also really wanted a daughter but life has dealt you two boys and you need to come to terms with that.

I’m with your husband I’m afraid, you’ll need to settle with the children you have and grow up a bit.

i have twin boys who I love dearly and wouldn’t change them despite desperately wishing they were girls when I was pregnant 😬

Your poor sons.

I have two sons and I couldn’t bear to think of them growing up in a home where they knew their mother wasn’t happy to have them and wanted something else instead.

What happens if you get your daughter? Are you sons just going to be brushed aside?

Really?

'Guaranteeing'?

At what cost?

You are disappointed and that is fine. But you can't make your husband want another one. You said you had your boys early to compromise with him because he is older than you, but you obviously wanted to make that compromise, as it was ultimately something you both wanted. Having a 3rd child isn't the same compromise

Would it be helpful for you to get some counselling? Why is having a girl so important to you? What are you trying to 'find' 'fill'

Again a topic I didn't want to broach and a subject where my husband and I disagree on.

We earn £200,000-250,000 between us.

I feel we can afford a third. He feels we can't.

Er, that’s definitely not what it says. Here’s the quote for everyone so they don’t feel they’re losing their minds:

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

Yes, OP, that “but” pretty much implies that you WILL consider divorce and there is nothing further in your OP about not leaving your husband.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much emotional pain, but as someone who is also going through a lot of emotional pain for very different reasons, I have to tell you that you will never reach happiness by forcing it onto others through your actions. Others have recommended therapy, and apparently your husband has too, because there is absolutely no way possible at this point in history to give you what you desire. So therapy can help you work through your resentment, and WITH TIME, it isn’t instant and I admit it’s a journey, hopefully come out the other side.

I wish you the very best of luck. I may find your wish to be unreasonable, but you are still a human in pain, and that should never be ignored.

How can you possibly say I am not happy to have them? Where have I said that?