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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not remind dh of MIL’s birthday?

167 replies

BirthdayBlitz · 29/02/2024 20:45

Name changed for this one. MIL’s birthday is in the next few weeks. We are not close at all, by her choosing. When together (not often at all, we live far apart) we are cordial but that’s it.

Dh is bad with dates and never remembers her birthday. I on the other hand am good on dates and remember it. We’ve been married 25 years and at the beginning we’d do cards, then that fell off and we’d at least acknowledge birthdays which was fine with me. For the past few years I haven’t gotten even an acknowledgment on my birthday. Dh is remembered (his birthday falls on a holiday so it’s pretty hard to forget) and every year I have to remind him to call his mother, usually multiple times.

WIBU to just skip it this year and not remind dh?

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 29/02/2024 20:46

I'd remind him once and leave it at that

movingforward96 · 29/02/2024 20:46

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 29/02/2024 20:46

I'd remind him once and leave it at that

Agree with this

PoisonMaple · 29/02/2024 20:46

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 29/02/2024 20:46

I'd remind him once and leave it at that

This.

Spencer0220 · 29/02/2024 20:47

I'd remind once before, once on day.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/02/2024 20:48

I wouldn't remind him. He's literally known her his entire life. He knows when her birthday is. It's a not a shock.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 29/02/2024 20:49

Even if you did remind him - why multiple times? Once is plenty.

We have a couple of family whatsapp's between ILs and my side and someone wishes first and that reminds everyone. If dh still doesn't call, that's on him. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. It's fine.

NuffSaidSam · 29/02/2024 20:50

I think it depends on what he does for you generally. If there is something you're rubbish at and he picks up the slack then I would have no problem being the 'date rememberer/reminder'. If he's selfish/inconsiderate/lazy and this is yet another thing he expects you to do for him then by all means take a year off.

WandaWonder · 29/02/2024 20:50

I would say it once, my husband has to remind me sometimes about things mentions it once so I would do the same

hottchocolate · 29/02/2024 20:50

I understand if it were on you to buy a card or gift or visit but it costs you nothing just to say "remember it's your mum's birthday in 2 week"
or whatever. It would be petty and a bit nasty to not remind him on purpose.

Having said that, if you don't want to remind him any more, maybe tell him "It's your mum's birthday on date. You need put it on your diary as I can't keep reminding you."

My DH is rubbish with dates. I often remind him of family birthdays and he says he'll send a card and then forgets again. Sometimes I remind him again. Sometimes if it is MIL I end up sending her a card. He is capable of using a diary.

Original poster
BirthdayBlitz · 29/02/2024 20:52

I usually mention it more than once because they live in a different time zone and if he waits too long (our middle of the day) it will be too late there.

OP posts:
Wellhellooooodear · 29/02/2024 20:52

I'd wouldn't remind him but I'm petty so probably ignore me!

EasterEggsComeAtMe · 29/02/2024 20:52

Remind him, life's too short for these weird games. I get that he should remember but he doesn't and you do so tell him, MIL's don't last forever.

SpeedyDrama · 29/02/2024 20:55

It would be petty and a bit nasty to not remind him on purpose.

I think it’s ‘petty and nasty’ not to remember your own mother’s birthday. How can a grown adult forget this exactly? Does the husband need to remind the op of her mother/father/siblings birthdays? Unless there’s a very clear reason I’ve missed for this grown adult not to remember one specific date (and not just because he’s a big important man with big important man thoughts keeping him busy) then no, absolutely doesn’t need a single reminder of his own mother’s birthday….

pyjamalife · 29/02/2024 20:56

I wouldn't bother. She doesn't bother with yours, but remembers his so it's on him. But I'm obviously not the greatest DIL.

If I had a fantastic MIL and she was genuinely caring (I wish!) I would go to the ends of the earth for her. But we play with the hands we're dealt.

LondonWasps · 29/02/2024 20:56

SpeedyDrama · 29/02/2024 20:55

It would be petty and a bit nasty to not remind him on purpose.

I think it’s ‘petty and nasty’ not to remember your own mother’s birthday. How can a grown adult forget this exactly? Does the husband need to remind the op of her mother/father/siblings birthdays? Unless there’s a very clear reason I’ve missed for this grown adult not to remember one specific date (and not just because he’s a big important man with big important man thoughts keeping him busy) then no, absolutely doesn’t need a single reminder of his own mother’s birthday….

No, it’s not petty and nasty to forget something.
Get a bloody grip.

Original poster
BirthdayBlitz · 29/02/2024 20:56

I should point out I’m tired of doing it when my in-laws don’t even acknowledge my birthday! I’m not tired of doing it because dh forgets.

OP posts:
Wode · 29/02/2024 20:56

Honestly, surely he has a calendar app on his phone, he could put in significant dates on a yearly repeat with a reminder set for a week or two before the event to get a card and present sorted for whoever he wanted to. So tell him now that it is coming up and to stop all the future wife work that goes into reminding him when important events are coming up he can enter them all into the calendar now. Sad that he cannot remember his own Mother's birthday.

SpeedyDrama · 29/02/2024 20:57

I can already see this thread is going to descend into ‘how to baby men so they don’t reap the consequences of their own laziness in basic family admin’

coldcallerbaiter · 29/02/2024 20:58

Why should you care, his mother, his problem, no do not remind him

SpeedyDrama · 29/02/2024 20:58

LondonWasps · 29/02/2024 20:56

No, it’s not petty and nasty to forget something.
Get a bloody grip.

Show quote history

Ah so you’d be fine if your children forgot your birthday? Or would you be angry with their spouse for not reminding them of the event your child grew up with as part of family life?

WandaWonder · 29/02/2024 20:59

Mentioning it once would take less effort than contemplating whether to do it or not, I couldn't be bothered turning it an angst drama

AdoraBell · 29/02/2024 21:00

YANBU, he should know when his mother’s birthday. Does he need to be reminded of dates for his job, or can he manage to work well enough not to be sacked?

Rosestulips · 29/02/2024 21:00

Remind him now to set an alarm on his phone on the morning of her birthday then leave it at that.

When is her birthday?

MadelineWuntch · 29/02/2024 21:00

Nah, say nowt.

CheshireCat1 · 29/02/2024 21:01

I’d remind him.