To not remind dh of MIL’s birthday?

[BirthdayBlitz]

Name changed for this one. MIL’s birthday is in the next few weeks. We are not close at all, by her choosing. When together (not often at all, we live far apart) we are cordial but that’s it.

Dh is bad with dates and never remembers her birthday. I on the other hand am good on dates and remember it. We’ve been married 25 years and at the beginning we’d do cards, then that fell off and we’d at least acknowledge birthdays which was fine with me. For the past few years I haven’t gotten even an acknowledgment on my birthday. Dh is remembered (his birthday falls on a holiday so it’s pretty hard to forget) and every year I have to remind him to call his mother, usually multiple times.

WIBU to just skip it this year and not remind dh?

I wouldn’t. His mother, his responsibility. What other life admin do you end up doing for him? I don’t remember when my partners family have birthdays, if he forgets it’s on him.

Why does he need 'reminding' about his mother's birthday? I presume it's been on the same date all his life?
Doesn't he have a calendar on his phone or a diary? That's how l remember things like this.
My ex husband was like this. Couldn't organise an empty drawer. The only birthday he remembered was his dad's, because that was the day before his.
I'd love to know what transpired after we split up.
What is it about grown adults who seem to be incapable of organising things like this? Are they like this at work?
I wouldn't remind him. And let him deal with the fallout.

Tell him once and say please put it in your phone as I’m fed up of being a human reminder.

Why don’t you mind that you have to remind him? Seems a bit strange. Surely he remembers things that are important to him. He must function as an adult.

If your parents in law don’t bother with you then I would reciprocate and try and forget their birthday too.

Ah, same here. I've been married 30 years and they can't remember my birthday! This year they did send a card, after DH reminded them the day before, so it arrived late. I think you should be the bigger person and remind him. I bet he knows the date but just isn't organised enough to send a card in time. My DH would forget about his own birthday if I didn't remind him, I'm sure!

I wouldn't remind him. What would he do if he was single?

The answers on here are surprising. Why should she remind him? It's his mother!
Because she remembers and he doesn't? She wouldn't be at all unreasonable to forget about it herself, but she's remembered, and spent longer starting a thread about it than it would have taken her to remind him 🤣
The angst is quite entertaining.

He's a grown man and shouldn't need reminding about his own mother's birthday. I definitely wouldn't be doing it!

Absolutely this.
You aren't "good at dates" you just make an effort to do this part of life admin.
He doesn't and knows you will do it for him.
You can choose to just not do it.
You do not have to.

Ooh I love a thread when grown woman with shitty uncaring husbands say its 'not nice' not to remind someone whose 'bad with dates'.
These men who can drive, work, use a mobile phone, use a laptop, use a TV, ooh they are just so rubbish with dates, so rubbish they are rendered absolutely incapable of writing it on a calendar! It's so weird, this type of selective memory AND long term inability to be able to drive a car or operate machinery or remember when christmas day is or what days of the week the weekends are on, but not use a basic mobile phone app to add a recurring date to (or ask someone to show them how so they learn) they should really study this at length! Are we not concerned about this temporary inability to do basic things? Should these men be driving? Should they be working?

I'm shit with dates. Do you know what I do? I PUT IT IN A FUCKING CALENDAR. Its okay to be shit at something, but you make an active effort to learn? Because it's unreasonable to expect others to do basic things for you? Because it's part of being an adult?

Ah but you are forgetting that with your support human you do not need to bother. Silly you eh

AAARRRRGGHGGHHH

Wife work, I used to do all the Mother’s Day, birthday card shopping/gift buying and she never bothered to remember mine. Now I don’t remind him, and shock he doesn’t remember to acknowledge it. She’s a nasty piece of work and I just don’t think he cares, wish I’d realised that a long time ago.

(Also I have dyscalcula, so I can’t remember dates, months of the year in order etc, I never forget birthdays because I have a diary, it’s not that hard!)

In your case , no I wouldn't.

I'm torn on this as I got the raw deal in this situation. My Ds is also shit with dates and if no one reminds him of the dates he misses birthdays.
I however always send cards and gifts (equal gifts to both Ds's and their partners for birthdays) but as DIL didn't do any reminder to him last year, she never sent a card to me either. I was very upset at them both, my 60th was ignored by them both. Just a card would have redeemed them. It still stings.
Remind him once and text your own birthday wishes on the day if you are in contact and would normally wish her happy birthday.

It boggles my mind a bit that there are wives out there who take on all the heavy lifting for birthdays etc when it comes to their husband's family. I've only the vaguest idea when DP's family's birthdays even are and would never consider that my job.

I wouldn't go to any effort to remind him of this but if OP's memory is good enough that she remembers it anyway it's not exactly putting herself out to do so, why would you not? Turning it into a petty game seems harder work (and no one will notice anyway).

YWNBU to not remind him this year. You are not his mother. Encouraging this type of behaviour by reminding him is how you got to this point (said with kindness as I'm aware this may not come across as so).

I would definitely remind him, big note propped up on the breakfast table!

I absolutely wouldn’t.

I’m quite fond of my own mother in law, but I have only a vague idea that her birthday is in September (I think). Has never occurred to me to be responsible for it.

However, it’s a bit odd for a child not to know their parent’s birthday. DS (7) is very proud of knowing ours and counts down the days for us! My own parents have been dead for 25 and 10 years respectively and I still raise a glass to them on the dates because they were so meaningful to us as a family growing up. On the other hand, I don’t know any of my friends’ birthdays as I’m not really a diary marker.

@Puzzlefactor

Remembering your own mothers birthday falls out of the realms of 'just anything'.

Different story if I expected him to remind me of my own mother's birthday every year !

No I wouldn’t remind him.

He could add a reminder to his phone if he wanted to but he doesn’t so why should you do the wife work?

I love my MIL and we get on very well but I don’t know when her birthday is, DH sorts it.

Totally agree with this.

This is how women end up getting all the shit jobs: ‘you should be the bigger person’.

I hate my MIL. She’s an arsehole. She’s an artist and makes cards and prints etc yet never managed to send me a card for my birthday so I make a point of intentionally forgetting her birthday.

Honestly if it came into my head when I was with him, I’d mention it as it’s natural. I’m very good with dates and Dh less so and I’d remind him. It’s not like you’re offering to organise a present or party.

I would expect him to make an effort to remember- diary, phone reminder - but I’d still remind him, just like Dh reminds me about things I don’t remember so easily.

I'd leave it and just say I forgot just to see what happens.

This not remembeting dates serms to be a man thing - a thing they constantly get a free pass over. Guys are literally glued to their phones as if they were some essential internal organ, yet when it comes to plugging in a few birthdays or anniversaries their brains fly out of the window. Sorry, but it drives me potty.