To not remind dh of MIL’s birthday?

[BirthdayBlitz]

Name changed for this one. MIL’s birthday is in the next few weeks. We are not close at all, by her choosing. When together (not often at all, we live far apart) we are cordial but that’s it.

Dh is bad with dates and never remembers her birthday. I on the other hand am good on dates and remember it. We’ve been married 25 years and at the beginning we’d do cards, then that fell off and we’d at least acknowledge birthdays which was fine with me. For the past few years I haven’t gotten even an acknowledgment on my birthday. Dh is remembered (his birthday falls on a holiday so it’s pretty hard to forget) and every year I have to remind him to call his mother, usually multiple times.

WIBU to just skip it this year and not remind dh?

The sooner you stop covering his responsibilities the sooner he'll take them on. Perhaps a few years of embarrassment for him, but he has to grow up at some point?

Thank you all. I will remind him today that it’s soon and let him sort it (or not!).

Should they have a vote?

I do remind my husband and in your situation, personally, I would continue to do it for his sake if it was likely to cause issues for him with the family. I completely understand those that choose not to though. For me, my husband’s brain is fried with work stress and we just help each other out where we can.

I could not tolerate this. If he doesn’t remember your birthday, presumably you don’t get a present or a card. With family birthdays we also mark them by cards and presents

Why are you presuming any such thing?

If DH can't remember his own mothers birthday, then that's not on you

Oh that is really crap. That's the awful end point of always stepping in to 'help'.

Absolutely not but I never would've started this nonsense in the first place.

If he's bad with dates, it's his responsibility to buy a calendar or set several reminders in his phone.

It isn't your issue if he forgets, it's his.

It says no card or acknowledgment

She's not referring to her husband.

The OP is being treated badly; her MIL never notes her birthday.

I just don’t understand this “my poor useless man let me help him and do his grownup things for him” attitude. It’s so pathetic and sexist. If he’s forgetful, he can get a diary app and put reminders in like the rest of us.

I'd remind him that it's soon and to put in a reminder on his phone, as well as for your birthday, then see if he still 'forgets'.

I wouldn't- just say you forgot

I’ve never reminded DH of any birthdays on his side of the family (tbf he’s never expected me to). I have no idea when MIL’s birthday is. He manages to get stuff out for them fine. I never get this, I see it all the time on mumsnet, I’m Asian where a lot is expected from DIL’s so I just never started. I like my MIL but I don’t expect DH to remember my family birthdays or send my sister a present on my behalf so it would be utterly unreasonable to expect that of me.

How many people would find it odd that their husband/boyfriend would start organising their family social engagements for them and taking over all gift buying etc. Yet women are regularly expected to do that.

It’s different is you are close to your MIL and have your own relationship because you are doing it because she’s a friend rather than a duty gift.

My tip is just to never start, don’t get off on the wrong foot and set the expectation that you will organise their relationships for them. Then you are never in a situation where you get fed up, stop and then everyone thinks you are the asshole rather than wondering why you were doing it all in the first place and appreciating the years and years that you did it. Wifework is never appreciated by anyone.

I would not remind him, he's an adult capable of making a note on his phone calendar to remind him, it's not important to him or he'd do something to ensure he remembers.

How long has he owned a smartphone and why did he not put his MOTHER'S birthday in it long ago?! I would not be reminding him of anything. There is absolutely no excuse for this. I am the most forgetful person on the planet and even have an alert in my phone to remind me to let the dog out for a wee at 11pm! 🤣 Reminders to get the kids to brush their teeth. Reminders to empty the washing machine. All in, I have about 30 alerts going off throughout the day just so I can function.

If I can do that, he can put his mother's birthday in his calendar, for heavens sake.

Dh is bad with dates and never remembers her birthday. I on the other hand am good on dates and remember it.
what do you do to remind yourself of dates you might otherwise forget and what does your dh do? birthdays could easily set as a annual recurrence in his phone with a reminder. They could go on a birthdays list displayed in the kitchen. You also have to remind him several times.

he doesnt forget, be just cannot be bothered.

He has enough resources to record the birthday, if it’s important to him.
If he forgets this year, he won’t next year.

I don't remind my partner and he very rarely sends his family cards but its not my job, I remember all my families dates and assume hes never sent his family cards in the past pre us getting together.

It seems quite mean to deliberately not remind him when you know chances are he will forget, all so that his mother will possibly be hurt.

Especially so when in all fairness, reminding someone of something is a matter of seconds out of your life.

He is the mean one, not bothering himself to remember his own mother's birthday. Is this task to menial and unimportant for him?

And the mother does not acknowledge the OP's birthday, either through spite or forgetfulness, so I think she is right not to be a martyr about it.

Does he not know how to use a smartphone or write in a diary? It's pathetic. Fine if he's rubbish with dates, I'm rubbish at remembering things but that's why I have reminders and a calendar!
He doesn't need to remember because he knows you will!

I understand that in a partnership things get shared out - things are equal but one partner does more of one thing and the other does more of something else. However, I think over looking after relationships it’s better to stay responsible for your own relationships.

I used to do the thinking and present shopping for my DH’s godchildren really because I felt sorry for little children not being given presents. But now they are all older I have given up and left it to him. He usually forgets but I think it’s better that they had presents when they were young than nothing at all and I don’t feel guilty for running out of steam.