To not remind dh of MIL’s birthday?

[BirthdayBlitz]

Name changed for this one. MIL’s birthday is in the next few weeks. We are not close at all, by her choosing. When together (not often at all, we live far apart) we are cordial but that’s it.

Dh is bad with dates and never remembers her birthday. I on the other hand am good on dates and remember it. We’ve been married 25 years and at the beginning we’d do cards, then that fell off and we’d at least acknowledge birthdays which was fine with me. For the past few years I haven’t gotten even an acknowledgment on my birthday. Dh is remembered (his birthday falls on a holiday so it’s pretty hard to forget) and every year I have to remind him to call his mother, usually multiple times.

WIBU to just skip it this year and not remind dh?

I couldn’t be with a giant man child that couldn’t remember my birthday. It’s not hard to set up a reminder on your phone or work calendar.

Definitely stop reminding him about his mothers birthday, you are not his assistant.

Are you really able to live with the person who supposedly loves you not even getting you a card on your birthday??

How did this situation arise?

Has he always had someone to remind him?

I have a question.
All of you who don't remind your partner and don't send any cards/texts to the in-laws for birthdays, do you receive cards/texts wishing you a happy birthday from your in-laws?

Of course!

Same as my parents always sent my husband a birthday card.

Because they cared enough!

Like the OP my MIL usually forgets my birthday. But why worry and let that make you sour. When it's coming up to a birthday or anniversary date in DH's family I just remind him. If I see something I think suitable for a gift I send a link. If I have a nice pic of the kids I'll suggest I get a moon pig card made. I love DH so why let some relative or petty spat sour that relationship? We're a team and it's nicer to live that way.

I would probably tell him once. I would also tell him that I won’t remind him again. Ever.

He doesn't remember his own mother's birthday???

Nope. Don't remind him but be prepared for the fall out when the world and his wife will blame you for not getting a card/gift even though she isn't your mother.

Maybe once, but every year? Sounds like it’s ops husband who needs to get a grip imo 🤷‍♀️

This is classic wifey martyrdom

DH sorts out cards for his family, I don't see why it would be my responsibility. He writes it from both of us.

I get cards from his family.

I don't think choosing birthday cards that you know will brighten someone's day is a shit job - only if you get no thanks or appreciation. DH does appreciate what I do. But it's never nice to be mean and petty. I'd rather do it if I remember, than not do it and feel mean and petty.

Do you love him? Do you do things for each other and look out for each other generally? If so, yes. If not, no.

Oh, that's a debate for another day!

It isn't mean or petty to expect a grown man to remember his own mothers birthday and it also isn't mean or petty to expect a grown man to be responsible for things to help him remember such as calendars, several reminders on his phone etc.

They are perfectly capable.

It’s not mean or petty to expect that at all.
What is kind of petty is remembering yourself (and it would be perfectly reasonable for op to have forgotten herself, she had no actual reason to remember) and deciding not to mention it, just to teach him a lesson.
Not very adult.

It’s not a man/woman thing for me, btw.
I’d expect the same from DH, because he’s a grownup who doesn’t score petty points for no reason.
I can’t think of many things less attractive.

It is almost always a man/woman thing though. Far too many men don't prioritise things such as buying birthday cards for their own mothers and expect their wives to take on the mental load.

It isn't fair which is why it isn't petty to simply refuse to do it any more.

Yes. It'd be interesting to know how many men have to remind their female partners of their (the female partner) family birthdays every year (several times in a short space of time every year for each event. eg 6 reminders it's their mum's birthday coming up. Your mum's birthday is next month, your mum's birthday is in a fortnight, your mum's birthday's in a week, your mum's birthday is the end of this week, your mum's birthday is this weekend, your mum's birthday is tomorrow...) and how that compares to the number of women who remind their male partner of their (male) family birthdays in the same way.

Also how many other things are annual fixtures in their lives that they can't remember and are unable to set reminders for for some unspecified reason and so require repeated external prompting every single year and often physical help to meet the requirements of the annual event eg buying gifts, sending cards etc.

No I wouldn't remind him. They give you no thought and he is their son not you. If he can't be bothered to put in a diary/on a calendar why should you be the one who has to remember these things?
I don't understand women/men who treat their partners as if they are children. They work, manage to live then they can remember a birthday if they want to

He could take seconds out of his life and create a reminder of his phone.

He cannot be arsed and he thinks it is beneath him.

i bet he doesnt need endless reminders about the car service and mot.

He "can't" remember his own mother's birthday? Writing it on a calendar is too hard, presumably. He sounds like my father and brother - they'd do Mother's Day because of all the ads, but remembering Mum's birthday was too hard.

No. Let him grow up and mark a date that's more relevant to him than you. You're not a PA.

No.

Many women are doormats without realising. Doing all the emotional labour in a family because that’s what they have always done.

Exactly. These poor souls remember stuff at work somehow.

I am relieved that so many women on this thread think like this. I see that as a tiny bit of progress.

For me, my husband’s brain is fried with work stress

I wonder how many of us full-time working women need reminders?! Or is is just the Man with his Very Important Big Job that can’t remember his own mum’s birthday? Stop excusing this nonsense.