AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

No point in getting upset and stressed about it OP. She’s made it clear that she would prefer not to teach your dd. She’s obviously pretty good if she can afford to turn you down - must have lots of other satisfied clients so maybe thinks she doesn’t need the potential drama you might bring. And tbh, a seven year old would just want to enjoy and have fun with it at that age. It’s more important at this stage for her to enjoy herself rather than wanting to be the next Nicola Benedetti.

Though surely it would be more reasonable, and sensible, to ascertain the answers to those questions, or any questions, before booking the lesson?

It seems very strange to book, and if I understand correctly, actually have the first lesson before carrying out checks too see if the tutor is actually suitable. If I was the tutor I’d see that as a red flag and make the same decision to drop the client. It’s not as if there’s an over supply of violin tutors…

Good point!

If your DD is offered a place at the Conservatoire. make sure you check their credentials, OP

She sounds rude tbh. Refusing a client because they asked reasonable questions that they didn't see on your website? Clearly she does not need the money or work. Are there other teachers locally? If she acts this way to people she barely knows I doubt she'd be patient, pleasant and kind to your daughter.

Ok, it seems I have been overbearing and rubbed her up the wrong way.
I was handed a flyer from the school with her email address, phone number, Twitter address and website. I should have read it more thoroughly before making contact.

I asked the questions at the beginning of the lesson as I didn’t want to leave it until the end which would have been cheeky as it would have gone past our allotted time. Maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do either.

The question about grades and exams was more about finding out what syllabus she uses - I think ABRSM is better (which is what she uses) it was not meant in a pushy way, I just think it’s important to work towards exams and it’s a sense of achievement to pass them.

Is it worth phoning her? I don’t deal with rejection very well.

"What's wrong with questions?" is disingenuous at best; several people on this thread have mentioned many reasons why those particular questions would have put the tutor off. Half the questions were just for the sake of hearing the sound of your own voice tbh- of course she's got insurance and a DBS, she works in a school.

Qualifications? Well I don't think your DD is immediately off to Juilliard next week so tbf I think the fact that the woman regularly teaches primary school children the violin to the point where the school recommends her means that whatever qualifications she's got, they are sufficient for the current job at hand, which is a 7 year old child just starting on an instrument.

However, it's the fact that you then start going on about how long until grades etc. I don't teach music but I suspect someone with a love of music, and in no desperate need of a new client, might glaze over at this point. She knows what to expect now. Possibly every lesson will involve check-ups on whether or not DD is ready for the next step, isn't it obvious how much work she's put in, how does she compare to your other students?

She's self-employed and in demand. Maybe if you do find another tutor with the same level of recommendation from a school, you could do a bit of research beforehand and reign in the stage mum enthusiasm a bit.

@DesperateSusans if you are anywhere outside the south east, home counties, Cambridgeshire, Oxfordshire or London. Private music teachers are like hen's teeth. In our town there is 1 violin teacher, one drumming teacher, 2 piano teachers, and 2 singing teachers. They are all really good friends and recommend each other if they are full. If you want anything else you are a 20 minute drive away and again there is only 1 or 2 of them.

Been that parent DOES NOT WASH outside of the south. Even if you are in the south, good private music teachers can pick and choose, many of the best have a waiting list. One of my uni friends teaches piano in London and has a 2 year waiting list. He is incredibly well qualified and has never struggled to get students. An experienced music teacher can spot a pushy parent a mile off.

Why do you think ABRSM is better?

Cross posted with your recent update.

Yes it might be worth getting in touch briefly to see if she'd be up for a second chance, with fewer questions this time.

I wonder why the violin teacher refused to commit to the lessons?

After all, the OP seems to believe that they are ten a penny.🤔

Questions are not asked in isolation. Clearly your demeanour, tone and behaviour came across as overbearing. The music tutor is within her rights to decline you if she feels it’s a poor fit or potentially fractious

I just think it’s important to work towards exams and it’s a sense of achievement to pass them.

At a FIRST lesson?

You sound like a LOT. I'm quite a lot as well. You're not ND are you?

I wouldn't phone, too awkward if she turns you down, maybe email and try?

You asked a lot of questions and you’re going to sit in on the lessons. She isn’t going to be able to get any teaching done as you will be interrupting all the time and judging her.

This

You will find that which exams are best depends on your child.

You might have an opinion now that Abrsm are the best but if your child cannot learn scales for toffee they are better off doing a different board.

It's about the music not the grades.

And yes, having an opinion on music exam boards when you take a 7 year old to a first lesson is utterly ridiculous.

She teaches in schools
She came recommended
Isn't that enough?
A huge part of the problem is that you can't see what's wrong

Crumbs! Tutors can pick and choose. An experienced tutor can swiftly sniff out a parent who might have unrealistic expectations and those who want a 10 minute or so chat at the end.

I don’t teach music but I have ‘off-loaded’ students whose parents have sent up warning flags. I don’t need the hassle and tutor two students max between November and May

It's not about questions at the start Vs questions at the end OP.

It's about being quite so overbearing in the first lesson at a point where a child is nowhere near ready to be contemplating exams.

Your focus is very telling in that you're straight into pushing for exams for a sense of achievement. She's probably spotted this a mile off.

Achievement and progress when learning an instrument isn't the same as working through grades.

Let a child start to learn and discover if they have a talent or aptitude for the instrument and a love of music before jumping straight into exam specifications.

@DesperateSusans

I'd say it's worth phoning her until you said you don't deal with rejection well, in which case that could become a very awkward call

How about the flute?

I don’t deal with rejection very well.

You don't say.

You could try grovel by email but I suspect the bridge is burned.

‘She gets to choose, blah, blah, blah’

Are other pps serious? This teacher sounds very fragile. . Imagine dumping a student because questions ask if you about your qualifications made you feel… like you had to answer? 😅 Jesus.

My DS started violin aged 7. We waited a year for a space. Made many enquiries and not much availability. So definitely not that easy (imo) to find good teachers.

In first lesson I think asked conversationally how many other pupils they were teaching. As the weeks progressed (and we could see how he's getting on) we've spoken about what point would they put forward for grade one.

If you don't see whats wrong with your approach and she sees your behaviour as difficult then you just are suited to work together. No-one has to be in the wrong here, its just not going to work.

She's probably at the point where she's in demand and so can pick and choose the families she'll work with. A parent asking at the first lesson about exams rather than focussing on enjoying the lesson and the music probably doesn't appeal, so she'll fill the slot with someone else.

Good for her, picking and choosing is the benefit you get after building a successful career in something like this.