AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Is it worth phoning her? I don’t deal with rejection very well.

This last part is very interesting. The thing is, this person would have been your child’s teacher, not yours. She doesn’t need to manage your feelings, she has enough to do.

If the questions you asked really were already answered on her Web page then maybe she thought if you couldn't be bothered doing that much research then you would be unlikely to encourage home practice etc

This.

I wouldn’t. She has already rejected you.

I am surprised you still don’t see your approach was wrong. It might be a cultural thing? What country are you from?

I'm a tutor.
I'm fully booked with a waiting list.
So yes i get to choose
I can spot pain in the arse parents a mile off.
The first time I had to get rid of someone, I agonised for a couple of months but the relief I felt after was indescribable. A job shouldn't cause you so much stress! I've only ever done it once after that and that time I didn't wait.

You didn’t do anything wrong.

I think she thought you were questioning her authority or qualifications or something like that.

Try apologising and explain that you were only curious and that you never meant any disrespect and that you’d very much like your child to take lessons from her.
If you still do, of course .

Heartfelt apologies go a long way.

Btw, there is nothing wrong with your approach.

Your problem is that you thought you were interviewing her, but actually she was interviewing you.

And you failed.

Probably at least in part because you were focused on exams and qualifications. Musicians tend to gel with people who like music. People who come across like they don't care about the music and just want the certificates, less so.

Both of my kids needed a maths tutor in high school. The good ones are very hard to find and can afford to be choosy about who they work with.

We found a lovely one. I would prepay a month in advance to make the bookkeeping easier. I often sent him home with some homemade cookies or brownies. At the end of each term, I gave him a $50 Amazon gift card.

It's a seller's market for qualified tutors.

Wtf op. No wonder the teacher ran for the hills. Even when she messaged to say thanks but no thanks about future lessons, you still asked more questions.

You need to relax.

Yes we're serious. She obviously can pick and choose. What makes you think she can't? Who cares if that makes her 'fragile' - she makes the decisions 🤷‍♀️

I think a phone call would be better than an email as it’s a delicate conversation. I’m going to phone her and explain

Is it worth phoning her? I don’t deal with rejection very well.

We noticed 😂

Explain what?

Just tell her you're ND and apologise even if you aren't. An awful lie but it's better for dd not to be so sad. I'd do it by text or email. Grovel. And stop being so intense.

What is there to explain?

just leave it and find a different teacher and take a different approach with the new teacher.

Jesus! Take the hint!

Interesting how you only replied to the one poster who agreed with you, rather than the 100+ who didn't.

Why is ABRSM better? Are you a music teacher or instrumental specialist? One of my very good friends was involved heavily in writing the Trinity Guildhall syllabus for violin. Their exams have a lot going for them, so much so that ABRSM have had to massively raise their game in terms of speed of releasing results and adapting to performance exams. Unlike you, UCAS does not distinguish between ABRSM, TG, Rock School, LCM and any other provider I have missed. A grade 6 in any of their qualifications accrues the same number of points no matter what instrument.

I suggest looking a little further afield for lessons and not obsessing about small details. At 7, the main thing is to engage and enthuse a child. If you find a teacher who can do that, go with it. You can always change teachers later. Both my DDs had changes of teachers due to relocation, retirement or needing to step things up in their teen years. It didn't cause any issues in any of the 3 cases, mostly because I respect(ed) the professionalism of the teachers and trusted them to do their jobs. Both DDs passed grade 8 on 2 different instruments/voice so we must have done something right.

The music lesson should be for the enjoyment of playing music and gaining confidence, not exams. If there is an aptitude and desire to learn music and sit exams, fine. Not all hobbies need to lead to an exam or a formal learning outcome. It’s a peculiarly middle class obsession to have children tutored in music, fret about grades, just one more thing to tick off the list and keep up with the neighbours

I think you've been given an unnecessarily hard time OP.

The questions are all reasonable - but maybe asked before she came over to your home for a lesson.

And the DBS - are people nuts? Of course you check.
The sessions are not at school - you are responsible and so you check.
This is someone whose flier you got from school - NOT a teacher at that school.

I think that in her 30 years of experience she has met your like before and has chosen not to saddle herself with the hassle.
Even I can tell you'd be a pain in the arse.

"I think it's important to work towards exams."

She's 7. It's a maybe hobby. It was her first try. Exams? Calm down tiger mama.

There you are grilling the teacher as though she ought to be honoured you're giving her the opportunity. I can't imagine that after 30 years of kids passing through her living room she's bothered either way.

For the love of god if you make that call you’ll confirm the very bad feeling she had about you. Take a hint, don’t make that call

You obviously made her uncomfortable. She came to the trial not expecting to be challenged on her credentials. While you didn’t mean to cause upset you didn’t understand the dynamics and treated her like she had to jump through some hoops to work with your daughter.

You're still being too intense. Don't put her on the spot like that. Send an email if you insist on explaining yourself to her.

Explain that I didn’t mean to be intense and domineering- I was just out of my comfort zone.

I really wish I’d not been so impulsive and taken the time to think about this before arranging the lesson. I’ve just come across her on you tube - she’s amazing 🥲

I’m such a fool and my daughter hates me for embarrassing her in the lesson

thebestinterest

I doubt very much if the teacher is fragile. Probably quite the opposite.

Like me she clearly cannot be doing with difficult and pushy parents. Either trust me to do the job or go elsewhere. In all my time tutoring I have refused to carry on six times. Once for a badly behaved child, five times for a badly behaved parent. My results and local reputation are exemplary.

A parent of a beginner should be interested in the fun the child and teacher will have making music together. Interrogating about grades is foolish at this point.

Asking how long to reach grades is ridiculous. How is the teacher supposed to know if the child will do two hours a day of intelligent practice, with support from a knowledgeable parent, or will scrape away meaninglessly for ten minutes on a Sunday evening while everyone else is watching television? That would have become clear over the coming weeks and months.

OP you are THAT PARENT. Don't be sure that the teacher hasn't already warned other local violin teachers. I have had the "don't touch with a barge pole" message from other tutors more than once.