AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

You haven't addressed any comments about not looking at her website for the information and now you feel confident there will be lots of teachers.

did you ask her all these questions during the lesson time or did you take up more time before/after?

Interesting approach.

Yep!

You can't throw a brick without hitting a well-qualified, experienced violin teacher in most parts of the country . . . 🙄

It seems extremely full on to ask about her enhanced DBS check even though you are sitting in on lessons and even though the tutor would probably only be eligible for such a check because of her school role, not her private tuition.

Similarly it seems pretty full on to quiz her about insurance and times to get to grades. Perhaps your approach made her feel that the child would be less likely to learn in a joyful and relaxed way.

I guess she just has enough work to be able to back away from work that would just make her feel stressed or uncomfortable.

Don't think you've done anything wrong and sounds like your better off without someone who can't handle a few questions about their experience when they're totally new to you. You'd ask anyone who is in close proximity to your child these questions- we want to know tutors- childcare sitters etc are all qualified and capable why not a bloody violin teacher!

This doesn't bode well because if you ever have any genuine concerns re dd learning or try to raise thing with her she'd likely be pretty defensive because she's one of those noone else said that to me people. Plus tells you abit about her attitude going forward.

Ask around OP there be others that offer lessons and probably nicer!

Sorry to say but you came across as a hugely difficult parent. I have a 8 year old who plays the violin with a teacher recommended by school.
18 months on and I haven’t met the lady let alone asked about qualifications x , experience methods, DRB or challenged progression to grades. We get on well with notes in a note book about homework, the odd email . He’s happy and progressing.

I think she made a wise move. You need to chill here.

You didn't check her website.

Next time try do that. She came recommended, she's obviously popular enough not to want to take on "that parent" and just saw a bit of a headache ahead.

Maybe learn the lessons for the next one OP.

Private music teachers are like dentists: we need them more than they need us so they’re the ones doing the choosing.

Please tell me you did not ask if she had an enhanced DBS check? Or this must be a wind up?

I’m with the PP’s who said it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to ask those q’s.

The best guitar teacher my son ever had was a young chap who hadn’t done any grades, had no music qualifications but was an amazing guitar player in a band who loved kids.

My son learned far more from him than his school guitar teacher and finally became passionate about playing the guitar and practiced all the time.

Would you ask your child's class teacher about his/her qualifications?

You were in the wrong and I suspect that the music teacher may have felt that you were a helicopter parent.

Get a grip, she was recommended by the school, you couldn’t be bothered to read up any information on her website.
You sound pushy, “times to get grades”
You need to do your research and save yourself the bother of putting any potential tutor through a polygraph test…

You are THAT parent. If all the things you asked about mattered to you so much, you should have done your research before booking the trail lesson (on a phone call or searching the website). Grades at the first lesson just flags you as a pushy parent. There are so many flags on just your updates and op that mark you as been hard work.

@JustMarriedBecca may have hit the nail on the head here. I live in a northern town that has become very popular with people moving from London and the South East where been THAT parent is the default setting. It does NOT wash here.

There are quite a few parents on our local FB who have come from down south moaning at how rude some child related businesses/ providers are (brownies/ music tuition/ swimming teachers/ sports coaches). Many of them saying they have been asking similar questions of the coaches/teachers / leaders as OP. Been THAT parent outside London and the South East just means your child will be dropped as soon as convenient. Also, up north we all talk to each other, so if you are hard work and the sports coach says "perhaps this isn't the fit for you", you can bet he tells his mates who are also sports coaches of other teams that you are hard work. You soon find these hobby places are "full" when you enquire.

Well that’s what I thought too, what’s wrong with questions? She didn’t have a bad attitude by any means - but clearly she was taken aback, I don’t know why.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a different teacher locally, I’ve googled a few but they are much further away.

my daughter is really upset, I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her

Well then, swallow your pride, apologise and commit to changing your behaviour, for your daughter’s sake.

my daughter is really upset, I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her

I can.

Even when people have explained to you how inappropriate your questions were, you can't see anything wrong in your own attitude. You seem to have no self-awareness, and give the impression that you will be as pushy as hell.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a different teacher locally

What a surprise! I’m afraid you’ve learned the hard way that good private music teachers are like hen’s teeth and therefore are in a position to interview you rather than vice versa.

*Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a different teacher locally, I’ve googled a few but they are much further away.

my daughter is really upset, I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her*

Oh well! You'll need to travel because clearly your assumption about "there must be loads" is wrong!

You'll also need to manage your daughters upset 🤷‍♀️.

@DesperateSusans I think what's wrong with your approach is that you sounded very pushy and she doesn't want the hassle of dealing with you, sorry OP! She probably has lots of work and doesn't need pushy parents grilling her.

I have music teachers for my boys age 9 and 11, plus swimming teachers and an 11+ tutor. I want them to do well with their music and pass exams as much as anyone else but I've never grilled anyone about their experience or qualifications. I found them through friends' recommendations.

You still don't get it do you! The teacher was recommended to you by a school. She teaches in other schools so you didn't need to quiz her on her qualifications or DBS.

It's like hiring a chef who already works in a reputable restaurant and asking them if they know how to make a soufflé. You'd be given your marching orders!

DesperateSusans · Today 19:59

my daughter is really upset, I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her

Why can't you believe this?

The violin teacher is highly qualified and well regarded. She gets to choose which children she teaches.

You asked an extensive range of questions about her qualifications, experience, etc., but you didn't even go to the bother of checking her website.

I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her

I can't believe that you can't believe this. There is something odd and unconvincing about your professed inability to take on views that don't endorse yours.

Surely a professional will make a judgement about whether the work is appropriate for them. That is to be expected.

And why do you say "I don’t know why" she was taken aback by your questions when lots of posters have suggested reasons ? It's a hard from me.

All a bit much on Lesson 1! did you also ask about the chances of your dd being offered a full scholarship to a prestigious music school at a later date.

The only thing you can do now is to put on your grovelling pads and apologise for your interrogation, and ask very sincerely if your dd can be given a second chance as she loved the lesson, and the teacher.

Then never be late, never cancel, never be a minute late with payments, always do the practice she asks for ……….

Well she didn't like your attitude and she doesn't have to teach anyone she doesn't want to.

but clearly she was taken aback, I don’t know why.

Loads of people have told you why

Guess there weren't loads of teachers after all then....

I do some tutoring, have done for a couple of decades. I have a well honed ability to spot the child or parent who will be difficult. All potential children get a screening meeting with me which the parent attends. I really cannot be bothered to deal with difficult clients. If the child is badly behaved at this meeting they have no chance.

I have all the right qualifications and all the right experience. I am fully insured and have an enhanced DBS check. My results are the best in the area in my subject. I can pick and choose who I take on, you need me more than I need you.