AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

But she said all that information wason her site, and you hadn't even bothered to look. If you'd looked you wouldn't have had to ask the questions; from her pov it's like you're saying you think she's telling lies on her site.

Apologise. Tell her you hadn't seen her site.

Personally, if you are so keen on finding out about someone working with your child I don'tu derstandwhy you wouldn't have looked her up first. Saves a lot of time and misery.

Perfectly normal to look on the website. It seems she didn't like your manner and chose not to teach your daughter, as is her prerogative.

Nope I have never quizzed a music teacher about their qualifications - usually it is clear they are qualified by who has referred them to you (in this case the school!!). If your daughter is just starting out she does not need a teacher that is qualified to teach at the RCM. I suspect you came across as one of those parents who would be more hassle than it is worth - which is a pity for your daughter. Possibly a learning experience - in trying to look out for your daughter you may sometimes end up with her missing out. Good teachers won't take on kids with parents who will be a pita.

"Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked)"

why on earth would you interview someone without first look8ng at their cv (here her website)?

I can't help but feel good for the teacher. She is evidently in a position to turn down the people who she knows will find hard to work with.

You sound like a very competent person who is on top of things and no doubt will have the skills to push for the very best for your daughter.
You are at an advantage in that so very many people struggle with being on the top of stuff, but you also need to know when to step back and chill.

You haven't read the room here. This is not a business contract. You should have prioritised the human side and any questions you had should have had the well being of your daughter in the forefront, and by well being I mean enjoyment not how quickly she can accumulate certificates.

The tutor will have a lot of experience dealing with parents and will know from experience what sorts of things to look out for and what sorts of things to avoid.
It's not just what you ask. It's when you ask and how you ask. Its all part of forming a picture

Yeah, I think that's right

It's relevant to want to know these things, yes. Which is why people put considerable time and effort into providing this information on their websites, and are rightly pissed off when this effort is ignored.

The teachers time is money, and she likely expects that people don't waste it by asking her for stuff she has already provided.

You can't see what you did wrong? Sounds like the violin teacher as had a lucky escape as you would likely be that parent

Good violin teachers are hard to find (speaking for my area)

Also I am not convinced your questions would necessarily have helped your daughter much - it is often more about style and personality match than experience/qualifications. My son's current teacher is absolutely brilliant (and is one of only two teachers my daughter absolutely loves)- she is preparing him to take his diploma (so post-grade 8) and has only just graduated from music college and this is her first teaching job (ie no real teaching experience and my son is the only one of her pupils studying at this level) but she came recommended by the previous teacher who was relocating and we went with that (on the basis that our old teacher was someone who really cared and knew here stuff and it would soon becomes clear if it was not working out after a few weeks/months).

I am also a tutor.

I'd normally expect people to ask these kinds of questions before booking a lesson when I have plenty of time to talk to them in detail (usually over the phone).

Did you ask at the start of the lesson and give the impression you weren't going ahead with the lesson if you didn't like her answers? At that point she's already committed the time for the lesson and is expecting to be paid. She's also not going to be impressed if you "start the clock running" on her lesson time only after you've satisfied yourself with her credentials. She will have a limited time slot for the lesson and other students booked in following your slot, who may then be delayed.

Next time, arrange a mutually convenient time to have a phone call with your prospective tutor, when you can ask as many questions as you like and most will be happy to answer.

Googling in advance can also be a very good thing. You may find out information from that they'd never have volunteered to you by just being questioned.

You could have referred to her website first. I would never ask such intrusive questions unless I was unable to locate the relevant details first. You sound quite impervious and overbearing.

I think the assumption she's somehow fraudulently claiming to be something she's not capable of was probably offensive tbh. It's one thing to do your homework on her in advance. Quite another to have her justifying herself on the spot. Generally this would've been cleared up before your daughter even met her.

Could have thought OP was trying to catch her out if this info is on the website.

Why should it be a "side hustle"?? Teaching a musical instrument is a highly-skilled job, it's not doing a bit of ironing.

Well, you may think there was nothing wrong with your questionning. The tutor felt different about it, and made her choice. Fair enough, her prerogative totally.

You should have looked at her website to get the information that you grilled her about. In the unlikely event that your child is the next Yehudi Menuhin, there will be plenty of time to ensure that she is qualified to teach to an exacting level down the line.

You were over the top. Getting the best for your child isn’t just about being a typical pushy parent you actually have to use your people skills. It’s a two way street. Most music teachers round our way are over subscribed so rightly can pick and choose. By the way FYI the time to get to a grade would be determined mainly by your child’s potential aptitude and the amount of practice they devote to it. How would the teacher know that in week one, they don’t have a crystal ball.
You weren’t buying a car where you can just grill the sales man over miles over gallon or whatever.
Same with private academic tutors later on. They can pick and choose. Be warned.

She wouldn't be teaching in schools if she didn't have DBS, insurance and qualifications. Did you ask the same questions about you daughters class teachers?

I think your attitude is a bit off. Qualified instrument/music teachers are extremely skilled professionals and most people understand and appreciate this, so I imagine it was quite insulting to be "interviewed" to teach a 7-year-old. Next time, do your research first.

I think you should have done more research before the lesson. It’s a bit weird to assume that the local schools were all inadequate in their own safeguarding and checking procedures before they let a music teacher have access to their pupils in school time (especially re dbs details), but then not to bother to do some research yourself before the lesson, and then to appear satisfied by the answers to verbal questions without going the whole hog and asking for proof of her qualifications. That said, her reaction was somewhat ott, imvho - you obviously offended her!

This sounds really familiar. Have you posted about this before OP?

I was with you until you said time to get grades. I think you prob just came across as really pushy and she didn’t need the hassle.

I’d have been put out too to be questioned about information that was freely available. You contacted her, so she shouldn’t have to tender for your business.
I think you came across as pushy, particularly if you intended to sit in on every lesson. Give your child a break!