Page 24 | AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

DesperateSusans · 2024-02-29T17:28:28+00:00

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately. we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us. I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about. something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her! surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

LuluBlakey1 · 01/03/2024 11:06

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 20:56

grovelling email has been sent

I hope it helps but feel it won't.

Calliopespa · 01/03/2024 11:11

This thread is becoming unkind.

If it’s the first time OP went to a trial lesson she wouldn’t necessarily have known how to handle it.

I don’t actually agree with the “ you obviously should have read the website” crowd, and I think that was snarky and offhand as a response by the teacher.

The DD is only a little girl and not many 7 year olds “take rejection well” if it’s rejection with something that mattered to them.

OP didn’t get it spot on, but she’s asked for guidance and taken it on board. How else can she go about it from this point?

Mothership4two · 01/03/2024 11:15

@Ulysees

The child cried. That's enough for me.

OP doesn't say she cried. She says she was upset that her mother bolloxed up her chance to have lessons with this teacher

Shitlord · 01/03/2024 11:16

OVienna · 01/03/2024 09:11

LOL. My daughter had a music scholarship. We are in your general area. Been there and done that.

Yes, parents can be crazy (and usually are worse in primary school, ironically) but so are many of the school based teachers we encountered. Perhaps we had bad luck but especially if they've been ruling the roost in a particular institution for a while it's very hard to exit your child from the relationship without some sort of blow back around the groups etc. The general 'politics' in music departments can be unbelievable. One of my DCs (not the music scholar) thankfully played an instrument NOT taught in schools generally and we have a wonderful teacher who has become a mentor. That has made it harder to get involved in the school groups, which is a shame, though. On the other hand, my DC music scholar got trapped in two teaching relationships which weren't great and affected her enjoyment in a big way, both school teachers. She had a wonderful teacher who mostly taught adults outside of school but whose travelling schedule with concerts made it untenable, which is a shame. ED to say: Therefore we had to use the school one.

Tricky OP - you might also have had a lucky escape. Think about how you are coming across, for sure, but we were sacked by a teacher too in a horrible way. I will never forget my daughter pitching up with a piece she wanted to play after just completing a hard exam and finding out about her scholarship and getting absolutely slated. "YOU CAN PLAY BETTER THAN THIS!" Complete mentalist.

Edited

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She wasn't sacked in a horrible way. They had a taster lesson and the teacher decided not to take it further. It sounds as though the OP may have been quite full on in her questioning and the teacher made a call that she didn't want the hassle of a parent like that.

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2024 11:17

@Calliopespa I'm afraid you're in the minority

twoshedsjackson · 01/03/2024 11:20

If a seven-year old "hates you for embarrassing her in the lesson", you must have been coming on pretty strong.
A little girl of that age wouldn't have the life experience to advise checking out easily available information on the teacher's website, but she could pick up the vibe......

Calliopespa · 01/03/2024 11:20

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2024 11:17

@Calliopespa I'm afraid you're in the minority

In which regard?

OVienna · 01/03/2024 11:21

Shitlord · 01/03/2024 11:16

She wasn't sacked in a horrible way. They had a taster lesson and the teacher decided not to take it further. It sounds as though the OP may have been quite full on in her questioning and the teacher made a call that she didn't want the hassle of a parent like that.

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I was talking about my own daughter when I said "she was sacked in a horrible way" not the OPs.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/03/2024 11:21

Ulysees · 29/02/2024 20:31

Just tell her you're ND and apologise even if you aren't. An awful lie but it's better for dd not to be so sad. I'd do it by text or email. Grovel. And stop being so intense.

@Ulysees

are you for real?!

oh and fyi, this teacher is not obliged to work with OP’s daughter whether OP is neurodiverse or not.

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2024 11:24

Calliopespa · 01/03/2024 11:20

In which regard?

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About OP not getting it 'spot on'. She sounds as subtle as a bull in a china shop what with her interrogation and thinking she knows the right teaching method.

Calliopespa · 01/03/2024 11:30

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2024 11:24

About OP not getting it 'spot on'. She sounds as subtle as a bull in a china shop what with her interrogation and thinking she knows the right teaching method.

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Well, “not spot on” is my way of saying that.

I’ve given her more specific input above as to how her approach might have come across. People have to be left to move on after accepting they’ve got it wrong…

KeepSmiling89 · 01/03/2024 11:31

Hi OP
It is unprofessional for the teacher to dismiss you in the way she had, but I can see her point of view. The questions you asked her are probably more like questions you'd ask on the phone when arranging the initial lesson instead of the lesson itself. People who give violin lessons (especially those already working in schools) have likely achieved a decent number of qualifications and child protection checks/trainings to be able to advertise their services in the first place!
My mum was never present for my piano or violin lessons when I was growing up (I was your DD's age when is started learning violin) and maybe you should have waited outside in the car or in another room - I'm guessing it wasn't in school and was a private lesson at the teacher's house? The teacher would then have fed back to you how the lesson went and it could've been a more positive experience for everyone involved.

That being said, you can't go back in time to change things. I'd just get in touch with the teacher, apologise for the interrogation and explain you're just wanting to make sure DD is going to get the most from her violin lessons.

wombat15 · 01/03/2024 11:32

BadSkiingMum · 01/03/2024 10:32

Oh I know…I commented early on in the thread that I thought the OP probably could have asked about qualifications in a lower-key, more conversational way. She might have got exactly the same information and not annoyed the teacher.

But the DBS question? I think anyone who is working directly with children should be happy to answer that, without resentment. It takes less than thirty seconds:

’Do you have an enhanced DBS check?
‘Yes, of course, I can show you my certificate if you like.’

I always kept my qualification certificates and DBS in a folder because I knew that I would inevitably need to show them.

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The teacher is already employed by the school though so obviously she will already have an enhanced DBS check. Asking to see it again is similar to you going into your child's school to check they have done it. It's really weird pushy behaviour.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/03/2024 11:42

To be honest OP if I had made information available on a website and you came along and asked me about stuff l’d already made public, l’d conclude that either you hadn’t bothered to read it, or that if you had, you were questioning it. Either way I would peg you as a potentially difficult parent, so l’d probably come to the same conclusion - best to find another teacher.

Shitlord · 01/03/2024 11:45

KeepSmiling89 · 01/03/2024 11:31

Hi OP
It is unprofessional for the teacher to dismiss you in the way she had, but I can see her point of view. The questions you asked her are probably more like questions you'd ask on the phone when arranging the initial lesson instead of the lesson itself. People who give violin lessons (especially those already working in schools) have likely achieved a decent number of qualifications and child protection checks/trainings to be able to advertise their services in the first place!
My mum was never present for my piano or violin lessons when I was growing up (I was your DD's age when is started learning violin) and maybe you should have waited outside in the car or in another room - I'm guessing it wasn't in school and was a private lesson at the teacher's house? The teacher would then have fed back to you how the lesson went and it could've been a more positive experience for everyone involved.

That being said, you can't go back in time to change things. I'd just get in touch with the teacher, apologise for the interrogation and explain you're just wanting to make sure DD is going to get the most from her violin lessons.

How in the world was it unprofessional?

Its her own business, she can pick and choose her clients for any reason.

Sounds like she did it in a civil way over text. OP doesn't have to like the outcome for the matter to have been managed professionally.

Geebray · 01/03/2024 11:45

Well, OP has sent a grovelling email now that she has realised that there aren't loads of violin teachers for her to choose from in the area, as she blithely assumed there would be.

The teacher holds all the power here. It will be interesting to see how she responds, now that OP is back with her tail between her legs!

Jeannne92 · 01/03/2024 11:52

This person didn't feel they would be able to have a productive working relationship with you so didn't embark on something they didn't feel positive about. Well done to them. You could now look for a teacher attached to a conservatoire and ask the conservatoire about the qualifications rather than interrogate the teacher.

Incidentally, if your daughter is 7 and not yet a one in a million prodigy, she needs a teacher who can help her read music, use the bow, and find the notes on the strings. Thousands of people will fit this bill. You don't need to be searching for the next Yehudi Menuhin or asking how many of their students were accepted at the Academy just yet.

SKG231 · 01/03/2024 11:54

Music teachers are highly in demand so she can pick and choose her clients. You obviously rubbed her up the wrong way and she doesn’t want to deal with you. End of.

Sasqwatch · 01/03/2024 11:59

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 17:31

Ok, I understand , but still, surely it’s perfectly normal to find out about someone who is working with your child??

So why didn’t you do your research and look on her website?

GlossyPaper · 01/03/2024 12:01

Sceptic1234 · 01/03/2024 09:24

I have spent decades around music as I play the piano. I have no professional qualifications in music, but regularly meet and perform with other pianists, many of whom are teachers / students at major conservatories.

Again and again I hear "ABRSM is better" from parents of "musical" children. It's almost a dog whistle.

The thing is that virtually non of them can offer any answer to the question "Why is ABRSM better?" ...?

Personally, I think its dreadfully old fashioned and puts a ridiculous over emphasis on technical exercise. I think theirvchoice of repertoire is very poor. They often choose bizarre editions of established pieces. The worst example of this was probably a Chopin walz in grade 8 a few years back. God only knows where they found that edition, but it had several strange differences to the generally accepted version. What composers did / did not write 200 years ago is a matter of intense academic debate. Conservatoire students would be expected to understand this, and to use this information to justify their approach to performance. But to expect teenagers to engage with a bizarre early edition of a work from the standard romantic repertoire was insane. Many teachers told their students not to attempt this piece, and I know of one who never used ABRSM again.

Often the "ABRSM is better" crowd will find a piece in another syllabus and say "trinity say its grade 6 but ABRSM say its only grade 4", then smile smughly at each other as they've just proved to themselves how much better ABRSM is and how they've made the right decision to put their children through ABRSM exams.

This all makes perfet sense ... at least to someone who isn't a musician. I know things are changing (slowly) but ABRSM has almost always valued note accuracy and technical skills above musical expression and creativity. Whilst this may serve a small group of highly talented children very well, it can suck the enjoyment of music out of more normal children.

There are other exam boards (Trinity is a good example) that are simply streets ahead of them. There are even exam boards which give the choice to play an improvised and individual arrangement of a child's favourite song. This is an approach that really encourages creativity and artistic expression, which is what music is really about.

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Whilst this may serve a small group of highly talented children very well, it can suck the enjoyment of music out of more normal children.

This is why I didn’t want my ‘normal’ kids to do exams unless they really wanted to. I viewed it as a break from academic work and a change to learn a new skill, and something to help them relax. I wanted them to love music and express themselves. Scaling the grades, UCAS points etc was not on our agenda. No regrets at all.

Switcher · 01/03/2024 12:07

I've played the violin for twenty years. Absolutely no way would I directly ask about a teacher's qualifications. But I suppose I know enough not to really need to, I just ask my child how the lesson was and that gives me plenty of information. I'm annoyed by some bad habits that have crept in, but the teacher is trying to fix them.

JustMarriedBecca · 01/03/2024 12:08

Sceptic1234 · 01/03/2024 09:24

I have spent decades around music as I play the piano. I have no professional qualifications in music, but regularly meet and perform with other pianists, many of whom are teachers / students at major conservatories.

Again and again I hear "ABRSM is better" from parents of "musical" children. It's almost a dog whistle.

The thing is that virtually non of them can offer any answer to the question "Why is ABRSM better?" ...?

Personally, I think its dreadfully old fashioned and puts a ridiculous over emphasis on technical exercise. I think theirvchoice of repertoire is very poor. They often choose bizarre editions of established pieces. The worst example of this was probably a Chopin walz in grade 8 a few years back. God only knows where they found that edition, but it had several strange differences to the generally accepted version. What composers did / did not write 200 years ago is a matter of intense academic debate. Conservatoire students would be expected to understand this, and to use this information to justify their approach to performance. But to expect teenagers to engage with a bizarre early edition of a work from the standard romantic repertoire was insane. Many teachers told their students not to attempt this piece, and I know of one who never used ABRSM again.

Often the "ABRSM is better" crowd will find a piece in another syllabus and say "trinity say its grade 6 but ABRSM say its only grade 4", then smile smughly at each other as they've just proved to themselves how much better ABRSM is and how they've made the right decision to put their children through ABRSM exams.

This all makes perfet sense ... at least to someone who isn't a musician. I know things are changing (slowly) but ABRSM has almost always valued note accuracy and technical skills above musical expression and creativity. Whilst this may serve a small group of highly talented children very well, it can suck the enjoyment of music out of more normal children.

There are other exam boards (Trinity is a good example) that are simply streets ahead of them. There are even exam boards which give the choice to play an improvised and individual arrangement of a child's favourite song. This is an approach that really encourages creativity and artistic expression, which is what music is really about.

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This is really interesting.
Piano here is Trinity. My DD likes the pieces because they are songs she recognises. Songs from films and by Chart musicians. It certainly makes listening to practice more enjoyable, although I am reminded daily not to sing along.

Miyagi99 · 01/03/2024 12:10

DesperateSusans · 29/02/2024 20:56

grovelling email has been sent

Good luck OP!

fleurneige · 01/03/2024 12:13

Back to the title of this thread. Using the words 'teacher dumped us' - is so indicative of the issue here. She didn't 'dump you' or your daughter. She realised she has plenty to choose from, and felt, for whatever reason/s of her own choosing, not to have you as a client.

Ihearditfrommyradio · 01/03/2024 12:14

OP,

The music teacher knows that if she accepts your apology it will about two lessons before you are back with the questions and commenting on her teaching methods.

It took about 50 posts and multiple ' I'm not being unreasonable and here's why' responses by you to finally see that you were insulting and OTT with your questions to a professional.

I hope you take the advice on board here, but I sadly suspect your ' grovelling email ' will contain reasons why you were right to ask the questions you did and why she should not have taken offence at them.