AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

So, in my area lessons can be £35 for half an hour. I think many parents might feel able to ask a few questions before embarking on this kind of investment? Goodness - lots of attempts to be whatever the equivalent of 'cool parent' on this thread.

Nope, its the demanding, pushy parents which the teacher wants to avoid.

Good on her for being honest with the OP.

It sounds like your questions were casting doubt on her qualifications and ability to teach. If she came highly recommended and teaches in private and state schools, it was odd to think she might not be qualified. She was probably insulted as she is most likely very very highly qualified and sought after possibly/ probably also performing at a high level too. Nothing wrong with asking for info but not when it is insulting to the person's extremely high skill level and experience. Your background checks should be before the first lesson, not during.

I still find it very peculiar that someone who works with children would be in some way put out at being asked about safeguarding.

I work in the children’s sector (I have a background of working directly with children and ample qualifications) and every single job interview I ever attend has ‘the safeguarding question’. I still answer the question every time, as I should and, funnily enough, don’t resent the interviewers for asking it!

I agree. Also she should have given OP another chance for the sake of the DD. How cruel. Yes tell OP how she felt but not diss the poor child.

How did she "diss the poor child"?

@kidyounot2 it is Trinity all the way for us. My DC are dyslexic and play well by ear and are able to pull a strong performance out of the bag but have a very poor memory for scales and struggle with theory.
You don't have to complete grade 5 theory to continue with exams for Trinity and you can chose technical exercises instead of scales. The repertoire seems more inspiring and importantly in terms of examiner you always get a specialist in your instrument examining you. I have heard (can't remember where so do check!) that AMRSM do not do this, so if your child is a trombonist for example they might be examined by a string player who has not idea of the quirks and particular difficulties of that instrument.

I find it peculiar that you think it appropriate to interrogate a teacher also employed by the school to check they are "safe". What is the "safeguarding question". Do you interrupt lessons at your children's school to interrogate teachers too?

@BadSkiingMum

I still find it very peculiar that someone who works with children would be in some way put out at being asked about safeguarding.

She might not be put out about a safeguarding question (although as she works in schools it is a bit of a daft thing to ask). OP didn't just ask that though, she asked about qualifications, experience, enhanced DRB check, insurance and times to get to grades plus teaching methods in front of her child during the actual lesson. The teacher said she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions and her daughter was embarrassed. OP now feels she went about it the wrong way.

Yes of course I do that, every day. They can barely get through a lesson without me bursting in to ask them about safeguarding!

Right, because it would be a ridiculous thing to do

💡

@DesperateSusans Your approach may/not be wrong, but the teacher (within her rights) didn’t like and decided you’re not a good fit.

You can only move on and hope to find someone who doesn’t mind your way.

Oh I know…I commented early on in the thread that I thought the OP probably could have asked about qualifications in a lower-key, more conversational way. She might have got exactly the same information and not annoyed the teacher.

But the DBS question? I think anyone who is working directly with children should be happy to answer that, without resentment. It takes less than thirty seconds:

’Do you have an enhanced DBS check?
‘Yes, of course, I can show you my certificate if you like.’

I always kept my qualification certificates and DBS in a folder because I knew that I would inevitably need to show them.

Sounds like she's not short of customers so can pick and chose not to take on the ones with picky parents.

Think what most people are trying to say is that most of the OPs questions teacher’s qualifications were valid - but should have been addressed before booking the first lesson!

That, and asking about exams/boards at a child’s first taster lesson is barking.

Look - none of us was there in the room while this unfolded except the OP. It can hardly be the first time that this teacher was asked about grades, even at the first lesson, or encountered a parent coming across as anxious about whatever issue - the DBS check, progress etc. An experienced teacher would have heard this all before and in most cases let it roll off their back/have a way to manage the parent.

Music lessons - by the time you are renting an instrument and paying for the teacher - are among the most expensive activities a child can be involved in and parents will have questions. It's not football club at a fiver a go.

It's possible that the OP was really that extreme the teacher ran for the hills. It's possible the teacher is lacking in some sort of confidence/is chippy about her skills/has had other negative feedback from parents or some other situation totally unrelated to the OP that caused her to worry. It's possible she doesn't really need the money enough right now to take on another student unless she really feels like it. She may actually have evaluated the OPs child and thought it was hopeless.

The teacher is dealing with members of the public as part of her business. They're not going to always read the website first, they may have weird questions/be a bit weird themselves, whatever. It does seem like some posters on this thread have forgotten this?

The child cried. That's enough for me.

Where does it say she cried?

What are you on about? Op only found out they hadn't been accepted via a text message after the event. She makes no mention of the child being "dissed" or the child crying.

I don’t deal with rejection very well.

You don't say!

Why?

The DD isn't her responsibility.

She could well experience this all the time, but the fact remains that she clearly doesn't need the OP's business enough to want to encounter whatever it was that she found so offputting about her behaviour. She teaches in local schools and clearly has a monopoly on local business, if the OP couldn't find anyone else in the area. This means she can pick and choose. She doesn't to put up with parental behaviour she finds overbearing, whether or not we might consider her unreasonable for doing so.

OP it’s clear you don’t get how it came across. But objectively you came across as a picky, neurotic mum and she’d rather not. Mystery solved. Move on. Find another teacher and try be a bit more measured. Simples. Next!

Yes tell OP how she felt but not diss the poor child.

Who are you - Ali G? Nobody "dissed" the poor child.

The child cried. That's enough for me.

The child did not cry.

OP said (after learning there are no other violin teachers locally):
I’m such a fool and my daughter hates me for embarrassing her in the lesson.

Perhaps the child, like the mother "doesn't deal with rejection very well".

Learned behaviour, perhaps . . .