AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Explain that I didn’t mean to be intense and domineering- I was just out of my comfort zone.

But surely if it's not in your nature then no situation will make you "intense & domineering"?

If that's really how you came across no wonder she doesn't want to deal with you.

She has told you no-why can't you accept that?

It’s reasonable to want the information but it had already been made freely available on her website. I’d have been irritated too if the client wanted to grill me and clearly hadn’t been arsed to read the information I had published.

I guarantee the situation would be completely different if OP had said ‘I saw on your website that you studied at the Royal School. Can I ask if you have a strong preference between Trinity and ABRSM exams?’

It is really the basics of professional communication.

It’s not a right/ wrong situation.
You rubbed her up the wrong way, she doesn’t want to teach your child 💁🏻‍♀️
Move on, if you want to get anything from the experience think about how you come across you won’t

Oh goodness! What do you imagine most musicians/ instrumental teachers do during school hours if they don't live in a city with a full time orchestra (so, almost anywhere in the UK) or if they've put their performing career on pause while they bring up their own family? We do have to make a living.

I had a family who thought the same as you about teachers who teach in schools. They'd refused lessons with me in primary school because obviously I must be useless if I visited a state primary. Then the daughter got a scholarship to a very exclusive private school, where they decided the music teaching was probably good. Guess what? Still me!

And I know the whole story because people in a niche profession like this all know each other. The violin teachers in my area all go out for a meal together twice a year and chat by email in between.

Honestly though, one of the finest and most respected & influential British violin teachers ever is most famous for working in the most deprived areas of London in the 1980s

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheila_Nelson

Also a parent may not even know that a self employed person has a website, loads don't so it's not reasonable to say the parent should have looked online.

The website details were on the flyer OP got from the school.

That just sounds so arrogant. Anyone should be prepared to explain their professional background to paying customers.

Do you ask a chef to explain his/her professional background to you before ordering at the pub? The bus driver before you get on a bus? The plumber as he comes to fix your bathroom?

Or is it only certain type of “services” that warrant this type of interrogation - namely, those in which the customer feels (unconsciously, perhaps) morally superior when paying for it and expects the service provider to display the humble attitude of putting up with anything because “they’re being paid!”…?

See also cleaners, tutors, sport instructors…

Next time sit quietly and take a notebook with you to take notes

She considers herself sufficiently well-acquainted to have a strong opinion on the merits of one exam board over another. I very much doubt that the OP is the nervy ingenue that you picture.

It is not sad to expect a client to spend five minutes reading a website. Twenty years ago exactly the same basic expectation would have applied to a leaflet, or flyer, or classified ad in the newspaper.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you are coming across as very intense on here. Which leads me to believe you probably come across this way in person too, which would explain the violin teacher's decision. If you don't get a reply to your email, or receive a negative one, just view it as a learning opportunity and move on- please don't contact the poor woman again.

Why didn’t you just read the flipping website?

Your daughter is a beginner and you were asking about exams...? 🙈

I feel bad for you OP. I could imagine myself in the same situation. I think I often say the wrong thing . It seems like a perfectly fine thing to ask. I wouldn’t have really considered checking the website. I am surprised she feels annoyed you didn’t do that. What’s wrong with just asking the questions in person? Seems a strange world to me.

You thought you were in the driving seat didn’t you @DesperateSusans? And the teacher knows that she is.

How annoying for her to a) presumably be born with musical talent b) spend hours each day practising to get into a conservatoire (or the like) c) get a job in an orchestra then teaching or maybe straight into teaching, for very low pay. Then have to contend with someone like you deciding whether she is worthy of your absolute beginner child.

I’m interested to know how you speak to waiting staff, taxi drivers and so on?

Teachers face students every day who don't bother reading the notes/website, listen in class when they explain. These students fire a whole list of questions at them when all of that info has already been given. It is irritating, lazy and demanding of time with no thought for other children, but they are children, can be trained and teachers work with it because they have no choice. You're an adult, it irritated her but she has a choice with you.
Also, she values very highly her prifessionalism and the service she provides, clearly has a very good reputation and feels you were, in some way, questioning her status and not appreciating her reputation. She thinks you don't get how it all works. You treated her as if you were interviewing her when in fact she was 'interviewing' you and your child.
You can't repair this relationship- she has made up her mind and pigeon-holed you from the impression you gave her.

She sounds ridiculous and arrogant. You're better off with another teacher.

A lot of people will tell you you should have shut up and trusted teacher like a good little sheepie. Good on you for not.

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes
OP: No I'm not

OP: How else could I find out the information?
Also OP: All of the information is on her website.

Why the fuck should she when the person is right in front of her? How hard is it to answer a couple of questions from a potential client? This place gets more contrarian every day.

But she's a customer asking questions about the service to be provided?

It is a bit late to say this when the argument has already lasted nearly 500 posts but it is completely impossible for any of us to adjudicate on this as it is almost certainly a matter of tone. Person A could ask exactly the same questions as Person B but differences in tone and delivery can mean the difference between a warm conversation and mortal offence.

The only answer is for OP to ask a trusted friend or family member to tell her honestly if she has a tendency to use a bit of a tone in conversation with new people 🤷🏻‍♀️

This with bells on 🔔

Interesting.

You ask if you have been unreasonable. A huge majority of responders (a number of them music teachers) say you have.

You still think you haven't. 🤔

You say you are going to phone/ e-mail her. A huge majority of responders (a number of them music teachers) warn against it because they feel it will make the tutor feel even more uncomfortable.

You send a "grovelling" e-mail. 🙄

Best of luck.

It's fine to send the email. Just, for the love of God, leave it at that if you don't get the response you want.

OP can I ask if you have difficulties socially in other situations? You describe yourself here as being impulsive, hating rejection and being intense. I don’t mean this horribly at all, but do you ever sense that others find you ‘strange’ or ‘too much’ sometimes? I suspect it was how you came across that made the teacher turn against you.

I hope you can achieve the right outcome for your daughter.

I don't think you were wrong. Normal questions. Maybe you were abrasive, maybe she's precious and can pick and choose clients and worried you'd be hard works. Wouldn't hurt to send a grovelling text and ask her to reconsider? Teachers are maybe used to have to sell themselves, and take offence that you've questioned her (unknown to you) professional status blah de blah.

Sorry if I came across as demanding or abrasive I was in a hurry, normally chill. Please reconsider on a temp basis and take it from there and you can bin us if we're not a good fit?