AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

I'm guessing that the grovelling email was only sent because no other teachers nearby could be found?

I've turned down similar in my job. It's not worth it. Well done that teacher.

I've turned down similar in my job. It's not worth it. Well done that teacher.

There have been some comments here about music teachers being odd. I think ‘music parents’ are the unique breed. We survived the North London music parents experience. We were very relaxed and asked our kids’ music teachers not to push exams or just to use them as very loose goals, as we did not want our children to have that pressure. But some of the music parents were just so intense and competitive. They were clearly living vicariously through their children. Was uncomfortable to watch, especially when they criticised other young kids’ performances.

Tell us you haven't read OP's posts without saying you haven't read OP's posts ...

I think it was more than a couple of questions. I suspect it was tone as well as quantity of questions. OP seemed to think that she could pick and choose teachers and possibly went in with that attitude and has now found out that this was not the case.

I think a teacher with decades worth of experience will have had parents asking her a question or two.

I am self employed and am fine with people asking about my qualifications and back ground. One man was very pushy I even suggested he may be happier with someone else. He insisted with proceeding and turned out to be a lovely man definitely ND hence the questions!

The teachers at school have already been vetted by the school, so if you investigate whether the school is good it’s reasonable to assume they have ok teachers.

Brownie leaders don’t teach a particular skill or cost £20 an hour plus exam fees- you only need to check they are dbs checked (and again they are vetted by a central organisation)

If I was employing a swimming teacher directly, not a swimming school who had done all the relevant checks, I would definitely check they were qualified and experienced… why hand over £££ and your child without checking into them?

I also wouldn’t have looked for a website @DesperateSusans - we use a lot of different tutors/teachers and the only with a website is the one who runs a whole martial arts school, none of the individual ones have one, or even a facebook page.

I think you are bonkers. It’s a 7 year old, beginner, and you’ll need to be in the house whilst she’s there (please don’t tell me you were going to use the violin teaches as a babysitter…..).

the teacher smelled you out very quickly and ran a mile!

Yes like reading her website first.

the amount of people who are too lazy to read information that is there if only they look in front of them astounds me.

Late to this but I’ve employed lots of music teachers, for myself and for DC. If they come recommended and already have involvement with a school or a music school then the checks will have been done.

I’ve never asked about their experience or qualifications. What matters is if the student gets on with them and the lessons are fun/interesting and they want to go and have the motivation to practice. Learning an instrument isn’t like filling the fridge with shopping, it depends on the student, whether they have innate musical ability or not, whether the instrument suits them or not, and a good relationship with the teacher. How long it takes varies, and the best results are not dependent on the teacher’s list of qualifications, certainly not at beginner stage.

@Lassiata

A lot of people will tell you you should have shut up and trusted teacher like a good little sheepie. Good on you for not.

Even the OP has realised she made a bit of a numpty of herself and is trying to rectify it with the teacher. Her daughter is upset with her for embarrassing her during the lesson. She should have looked up the relevant information, which she now realises and regrets not doing. The teacher is experienced and was recommended. But at least she wasn't a sheeple! 🙄

That’s an interesting one on mumsnet- it’s usually the consensus that parents should drop and run at tutors (even if it’s to sit in the car), because otherwise they interrupt/interfere/imply that they don’t trust the tutor.

Totally! Hopefully the teacher will see through that and stand her ground.

Maybe she expected you to search her online which is what most people do.
She is a professional, she hasn’t got time to rattle through her qualifications with every prospective pupil.

The question about grades and exams was more about finding out what syllabus she uses - I think ABRSM is better

This makes me wonder about your attitude
If she had said she used Trinity, would you still think that you knew better?
lots of music teachers moving away from ABRSM

Why did you feel the need to ask all those questions. You do sound a bit pushy and demanding. I think she did the right thing not continuing. Probably thought you would be more trouble than you're worth.

If you're under the impression that Brownie leaders are employees then you'll need to think again.

OP, turning up to a first violin lesson with a child and asking how long it will take for her to get her grades shows how little you understand. The answer is that it depends — on your child's ability, how motivated she is and how much practice she does. And if you thought she'd be working in a school if she wasn't DBS checked then.... If I had plenty of clients I'd have passed on you too. What she was hoping for was a pleasant easygoing mum and and a let's-see-how-she-takes-to-this attitude. Not the third degree.

That’s an interesting one on mumsnet- it’s usually the consensus that parents should drop and run at tutors (even if it’s to sit in the car), because otherwise they interrupt/interfere/imply that they don’t trust the tutor.
Offline I've found it to be a mix depending on the age of the child, how long they've known the tutor/music teacher and any other contextual factors.

I'd not be happy leaving a young child alone with a new adult. When I still took instrumental lessons the teacher had a seating area in their hall, which I assume was for parents who wanted to stay but not interfere with the lessons.

@Withinthesewalls

The teachers at school have already been vetted by the school, so if you investigate whether the school is good it’s reasonable to assume they have ok teachers.

The music teacher works at schools too so will have been checked.

Brownie leaders don’t teach a particular skill or cost £20 an hour plus exam fees- you only need to check they are dbs checked (and again they are vetted by a central organisation)

Going off track, but anyone involved with Brownies or Scouts, etc, are DBS checked even the volunteers - you don't have to check them all.

If I was employing a swimming teacher directly, not a swimming school who had done all the relevant checks, I would definitely check they were qualified and experienced… why hand over £££ and your child without checking into them?

Naturally it is wise to check, but maybe not during the swimming lesson itself in front of your child who is waiting for their lesson to start?

I also wouldn’t have looked for a website @DesperateSusans - we use a lot of different tutors/teachers and the only with a website is the one who runs a whole martial arts school, none of the individual ones have one, or even a facebook page.

Is that relevant? The teacher does have a website and OP knew that as it was on her flyer (and now regrets not checking it beforehand). Would you ignore the flyer information and ask your questions in person during their lesson? That would be very irritating for the teacher and a waste of your £££s

You didn’t see anything wrong with your approach.
she didn’t like it and has politely declined to engage in a professional relationship with you, for whatever reasons (likely ones that other posters have said).
it’s her choice , I think trying to push it will just cement her ideas about you and I’d move on.

Why didn't you check her website? Tbh i don't blame her, I'd think you were rude.

I agree with a lot of this.

Upthread I posted that OP sounds to have come across as though doubting the teacher’s ability to deliver what her child needed and I think that’s not a good way to approach the relationship; but not for a lot of the reasons pp are stating on this thread.

As Finfan has said , I have had dcs with multiple instruments and have never ( that I remember) looked at ( or even for) a website for them. In my experience, like Finfan, it’s a word of mouth thing. You find someone who is happy with their DC’s teacher, ask a bit about what they are doing exam wise/ examination board wise/ in terms of practice expectations etc and make an assessment on those aspects before approaching. My first approach would normally be something like “ Good morning, I am making contact because you come highly recommended by xyz, who gave me your details. My dc is at abc stage and we wondered if you currently had capacity for another pupil at that level?” That way you have established within the dynamic their respected reputation and acknowledged they may not be able to accommodate and that that ball falls in their side of the court. I still don’t know if ours have websites, and know the ones I like best don’t so I don’t think OP not having searched it is such a big deal.

Truthfully, particularly when working with children, qualifications aren’t always the best litmus test of a successful teacher anyway. The worst teacher we have had is one who is very focused on their own ( impressive) career and would have the most glowing credentials of the lot.

However, beyond that, I do take issue a little with some of the discussion around the fact that the teacher is kind of “ beyond question “ or “ always knows best.” There is definitely a diva element to some music teachers ( by no means all; we have some teachers I cannot praise highly enough) . While of course their experience is relevant, not every parent comes devoid of any experience of certain exam boards etc and, just as different teachers may prefer different approaches to exams/ boards/ practice so too might the parent or, most particularly, different things may suit different children. Often a parent is best placed to know their child ( likes a challenge/ target/ gets stressed by deadlines etc) and I do think these constitute valid input by parents. Yes, teachers are entitled to take and reject whom they choose. But occasionally ( and the attitude is filtering through this thread) they take and then expect to choose the approach at all costs. It isn’t polite to grill professionals on their credentials and qualifications; however it is perfectly reasonable to expect some input into the provision of service as the relationship evolves. I would do this with my gp if I felt a medication wasn’t working. I would do it with a plumber if I felt something was still not heating adequately. I would tell an interior designer ( haven’t had one but it’s closest for the point I am trying to make) that I didn’t feel the design suited our lifestyle. So why is it that some in this thread are saying “ they are the highly qualified professional and it isn’t your business to question the exam board / approach “ etc etc. Its the one career where I find ( again not all by any means but sometimes) people who feel they operate in some impenetrable mist of unreachable artistic standards and wisdom. As one poster said music teachers can be an odd lot ( they can also be fantastic!) I’ve just noticed a lot of the “ I will not be questioned/ take a parent with views” kind of attitude on this thread and I don’t think it’s as justifiable as some music teachers seem to feel.

And I’m afraid with busy lives and school runs etc, very occasionally a child might be a little late - just as occasionally it might happen for the highly qualified GP or solicitor that their patient or client gets caught in traffic. It’s not like traffic parts like the Red Sea before Moses just because someone is en route to: A Musician.

Going off track, but anyone involved with Brownies or Scouts, etc, are DBS checked even the volunteers - you don't have to check them all.

I know, that’s why I said they are vetted by a central organisation.

Naturally it is wise to check, but maybe not during the swimming lesson itself in front of your child who is waiting for their lesson to start?

In an ideal world probably not, I would do it before to avoid wasting everyone’s time, but if I did want to take 5 minutes to discuss something (knowing that that 5 minutes will come off my child’s lesson time obviously) then I wouldn’t think that was unreasonable.

Is that relevant? The teacher does have a website and OP knew that as it was on her flyer (and now regrets not checking it beforehand). Would you ignore the flyer information and ask your questions in person during their lesson? That would be very irritating for the teacher and a waste of your £££s

I missed the update about the website being on the flyer- in that case I would have looked at that!

OP There will be other music teachers and as your daughter progresses, you will hear of others. I can pretty much guarantee you will end up hearing good and bad experiences about the music teacher you are so upset about right now.

It doesn’t matter how good the teacher is, she still has to click with every student and their teaching methods need to adapt to ‘fit’ and your daughter has to enjoy her teaching style in order to be happy to put the time in.

Why don’t you join a music school? They will have admin to answer all sorts of questions.