AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

I think though, in this case, due to supply and demand it's more like a job seeker turning up to an interview and asking a heap of questions about the company - and the company saying it's all on our website do your own research.

The OP has confirmed she can't find another teacher and has sent a grovelling email back asking for the teacher to change her mind and accept her daughter.

She was being polite.

It is not normal to sit in on lessons. In future take a book and wait outside. The tutor will invite you periodically to sit in on the last 10 mins of a lesson.

I have a uni aged child in a world renowned conservatoire and I have met my fair share of tutors. Standard procedure ime.

Good luck with the apology.

My dd teaches, she was smt comfortable with parents who come across as pushy, too many questions about teaching methods on the first lesson could be construed as pushy!

I've come across so many pushy parents in music myself

In the uk lots of great music teachers don't have teaching related qualifications so i can imagine you coming across as intense.

Music teachers are rare, expensive and highly in demand in this country, they can afford to be picky about who they take on. As you are learning.

I'd like to hear the other side of this!

Oh and the grades thing? It is important to gently check a teacher is ok with taking grades (some are funny about this but imho good teachers aren't). What isnt ok is asking how long between grades etc - it varies hugely. Some children are less gifted, poorer at sight reading and aural etc and struggle with exams. Some will race through earlier exams but get stuck later. Some will be slow at the start, but things will "click" later.

Its not a case of simply practising endlessly either.

Good music teachers can pick and choose. It was the grades question. There are two types of parents: ones that want their kids to get through the grades as fast as possible so they can show off to their friends and tick it off for their child’s CV and then there are parents who want their children to enjoy music and work at a pace that suits them. Even if you are not like this, you probably came across as the first type. Also, music teachers like to treated with respect and not like a lowly member of your staff.

My kids have both had music lessons in the past - I would say that whilst all the concerns you had, OP, were valid, they should have been asked/answered before you walked through the door for the lesson.

The lesson is for the child and it is usual for mum/dad to sit outside and come back 5mins before the end so that the tutor can advise on what’s been covered/homework. As others said, the first lesson is a taster for both parties and re grades - these are not usually even talked about for a few terms.

My kids didn’t do them until there were about grade 3 level and felt to be mature enough to cope with them. Also, my kids got fed up with ‘grades’ and only working on the same 3 exam pieces for months on end so gave them up to focus on playing for fun.

Lessons should be about a lifelong enjoyment of listening and playing, of appreciating the skill/talent involved.

I think it’s good you’ve apologised and explained this is new to you.

I work with a children and am also hired independently, so, similar to a music teacher. After 15 years doing this job, any parent who grills me like this is a major red flag to me - likely to be a nuisance down the line. I have a good word of mouth reputation (as does this teacher) and waiting list of kids to see me so I would have done the same as her - though whether I would be as blunt as she was is another story.

I think we had a good one @Ggttl youngest DS said he didn't want to do any more grades after grade two (think it took all the fun out of it) so his piano teacher said OK and they just worked through her song books and he would learn a couple of songs at a time and he enjoyed going. We were happy with that.

Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) You're a timewaster and would rather waste someone else's time than bothering yourself. I'd have dumped you too. I can't stand lazy people like this.

If she’s recommended by school, they’re not going to recommend someone who doesn’t have the correct qualifications are they? Or who doesn’t have DBS, because that would come straight back to them and is more than their jobs are worth! And does it matter how long they’ve been teaching for? They could be a brilliant teacher fresh out of teacher-training with great ideas or a ready- for -retirement ,jaded teacher ?
Personally, I would have judged you straight away if you asked those questions, and put you down as a pushy mum.

Private teachers are usually selected based on recommendations from other parents or (in your case) - the school. If for example you had queries about my qualifications, I'd expect you to either quiz me on it prior to booking a lesson (via phone or email), of have checked out my credentials (via website or reference from a friend etc.). Sounds from your post you decided to stage this question session during the actual lesson? I'd find it highly impertinent for you to quiz me on it in front of a student during a lesson. This seems to be a thread about manners as opposed to etiquette.

Jeez at this age it’s about having fun! I
can play 4 instruments and apart from my sax teacher at uni I never knew the qualifications of any of them and neither did my parents (not that they cared but that’s a whole other thread 🤣). Seriously if I was this teacher I’d be saying I was now full and couldn’t accept any more students!

I think those are reasonable questions!

certainly.

but it depends on how they were asked. And when.

It’s also relevant that this information was apparently freely available on her website. OP asking may have seemed as if she didn’t trust the information on the website. Or as if she couldn’t be bothered to read it - which OP confirmed.

Being that interested (or invested) but didn’t even read the information on the website? Doesn’t seem like a good combination to me! And the teacher evidently thought the same…

FYI universities ime don’t give two hoots about music grades so focus on enjoyment of music not grades.

Dd gave up the violin in year 7 and has a clutch of great offers from RG universities - the talks from school say universities are interested in super curricula not hobbies.

I suspect she thought you were going to be one of those parents, hovering in the corner. “Why isn’t Amelia grade 6 yet?”

I also expect it was the way you asked and perhaps that you didn’t seem to think to ask before booking the lesson or look at her website, so took up time during the actual thing.

I work with private clients, not a music teacher, and I’d say it was probably the way you asked rather than the questions themselves. Sometimes I’ll get a new client and I can tell from the first conversation they’re going to be a nightmare to work with, it’s usually unrealistic expectations and an attitude of ‘I’m paying, you work for me so you’ll do as I say’ rather than allowing me to get on with my job.

As a self employed tutor I'm torn. I think OP came across as a pain in the arse parent and asked more questions than were necessary or appropriatefora first lesson.

But I also think the teacher was unnecessarily arsey in her replies. It's perfectly possible to politely confirm you have many years experience without making a comment like that. Also a parent may not even know that a self employed person has a website, loads don't so it's not reasonable to say the parent should have looked online.

It rarely happens but if somebody asked me I'd be happy to say I have a degree in my subject and have been teaching it for 20 years but I'd say it in a conversational way not a defensive way.

I'm actually surprised that in 20 years of teaching primary school children without parents in the room, not a single parent has asked to see my DBS certificate or even asked if I had one. When my kids were small I might have done so for a one on one teacher, I even considered asking it of a group class teacher. Surely if someone has all the paperwork in place there's no problem with presenting it when asked.

I tutor an academic subject. I'd really worry about a parent asking if I had insurance on the first session (would be totally fine if I was a sky diving or horseriding instructor). I'd be concerned that the child might 'accidently' fall down my stairs or get tetanus from a broken pencil lead. The grade timing questions on the first lesson would also concern me if I was teaching music.
ETA: I do a free 'assessment' as a first lesson now as I want to see if the pupil/family are the right fit for me. Some people think that because they pay you for one hour per week that that means their dc should get an A*, otherwise you aren't a good tutor 🤔

It’s probably for the best if there is a clash of etiquette expectations this early on. No one’s in the wrongful, just a bad match

That just sounds so arrogant. Anyone should be prepared to explain their professional background to paying customers.

💐@superstardeejaysorry to hear that. Totally agree that parents are well within rights to check out a teacher who will be alone with a child.

She wouldn't be teaching in schools without a dbs check or qualifications. You were over zealous and as others have said age probably assumed you were going to be a pain of a parent. Up to her which pupils she takes privately.