AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

So why not check her out online?

I'm sure if OP had told her she was asking because she didn't have access to a computer the teacher wouldn't have minded @FinFan24 as long as she did it politely and didn't grill her. It's not that unusual nowadays for professional teachers and coaches and I'd find it helpful because you may forget details that were given verbally. My son started drumming lessons about 14 years ago and there was a website - it was an interesting one too. With your criteria people would miss out on this teacher who the OP has called amazing, who came recommended and who is in demand.

I think the violin teacher was a bit over the top at being offended by this. She must have a big fragile ego to feel that affronted by an over-enthusiastic newbie having all the questions. I also think the replies to you on here are exaggerating the severity of your faux pas.

At the end of the day, the teacher can turn down anyone she likes, as sad as it is for your daughter.

You've done all you can by emailing her. If she doesn't reply, or replies but doesn't offer to change her mind, you'll have to move on. But maybe you'll help her be a bit less judgmental towards the next overbearing, inexperienced parent.

it was not meant in a pushy way, I just think it’s important to work towards exams and it’s a sense of achievement to pass them.

Honestly, when your child is just starting an instrument, what is important is that she enjoys it. Fixating on passing exams could kill any love of music.

I agree that this must be a reverse. If it isn't - sitting in on lessons and giving the teacher the third degree is very much not the done thing - she could tell you were going to be a complete pain in the arse.

I wish my mum had sat in in my music lessons, instead she was parked just a few metres away, blissfully unaware of what was happening inside. Might be different in OP's case with a female teacher but I'd never leave a young child alone with an unrelated male I barely knew.

I know quite a few people who sit in on their children's lessons, younger children mainly.

When my own DC started learning (age five or six), I was asked to sit in and did so for over a year. I wasn't ideal for me because I had to bring DC2 (who was a toddler) in with me.

During covid we had a different music teacher who taught from his house. I felt uncomfortable sending the children in to his house on their own while I sat outside. He offered me a chair in his kitchen while I waited which I didn't take up, but often thought I should have, but it was during covid and music lessons were being cancelled everywhere and I didn't want them to take a long break from music. It felt off at the time though so I can completely understand parents sitting in on lessons especially in someone else's house.

You'd almost think this violin teacher with 30 years experience had no right to set a polite boundary: No, this is not a good fit for me.

When interrogated further: You made me feel I was being interviewed, you made me feel uncomfortable.

Surely this woman knows how she felt during and after this lesson (and after further interrogation of her polite boundary), and has a right to set her own terms regarding who she teaches?

Nothing wrong with that, the violin teacher is a bit moody and not humble. Reacting to any question defensively doesn’t look good to me. Even if it was on her website so what. It’s your child and you want the best for her. Keep asking questions. As a professional working with children myself, when parents ask me questions that tells me they are on board and interested and want the best for their child. I would be concerned if a teacher or anyone else who I want to work with my child gives defensive answers and gets offended when I ask questions.

Conservatoire trained Violinist here. I totally agree with above posters. Perhaps the teacher was being a little precious, but the parents who do what you described are the bane of our existence. Especially the ones fixated on exams!!!!

Having attended a top London conservatoire (ABRSM affiliated, you can probably guess what one), most of the students were not slaving away at exam grades. They know that exams are subjective, and you are really limited in what you can achieve. In fact, I probably met a handful of people who had gone the exam route whilst studying there.

Also one of the most sought after teachers in my area is someone who has ZERO degree. Their students have won prizes at international competitions, though. They just worked their ass off and built their reputation through word of mouth. I wonder what you think of teachers like these?

If your daughter is a beginner, just relax and let her enjoy it. Don’t be one of those parents. Those children are the first to hate learning and ultimately give up.

I would send her a message saying your daughter is passionate, enjoyed the lesson and you would be thrilled to have a teacher of her calibre inspire & teach her. You’ve reflected on your abrupt enquiries and you’re sorry for making her feel indignant
especially as she’s a highly regarded in such a noble profession….. you can turn this around for your kid ! Then have them rock up with some chocolates at the next lesson.

I suppose it’s not what you ask but how you ask it. If she was recommended by the school then I assume she’s very good and has no shortage of students.

I think if you’re that concerned you would do your research first. She’s probably at a stage if her career that she has people feeling lucky to get in with her and being made to feel “lucky” or “selected” or “employed” by parents is probably indignant, especially roan woman with 30 years of experience (so over 50 presumably).

If I'm honest, the fact they were a music teacher and had students would be sufficient.

I agree with PP that said those kind of Qs may be appropriate for a very advanced player seeking tuition, but not a beginner.

When she mentioned she wouldn't be teaching in schools if she wasn't qualified, I think that was code for 'most polite affronted response I can give'.

Oh and also say you respect her decision and choice, and understand but if she changes her mind, you’d be indebted - or something like that !

I found asking those questions very normal, what if you were guessing how many years did your DD need to follow her path? Or career advice later questions ? Too thin skin tbh..

You could always apologise. Explain that you are new to all this.
Ask if she would take your daughter on, on a trial basis. And re assess from there.
Relax, Your Dd is still young, let her enjoy her lessons first.
Worry about exams down the track.
Enjoy the practice.

In my experience when you work freelance there are certain red flags that a client gives out that mean they will be continuously hard work in the future. You obviously displayed those red flags and it just wasn't worth it for her to keep you in her life. An example is if you're in the building trade and a client says 'it should only take an hour.' they will be difficult, overbearing, and cheap. It's not up to them how long it takes as they aren't an expert.

I know musicians have trouble with clients who expect certain grades by certain times without factoring in how much effort their child makes and how bad they might be, and just blame the teacher. Maybe you displayed a red flag for this type of thing.

I wonder how the teacher is going with the grovelling email. Sounds like she has enough demand that she won't fall for it

She sounded defensive, I'd assume she's not use to people questioning her.

It would annoy me as it means going forward she would be unapproachable. I'd look elsewhere.

It's an 11/12 year old kid starting a violin lesson, not a childminding settling in session.

It's a 7 year old kid.

my daughter is really upset, I can’t believe she has refused to commit to lessons for her.

Wait what? This was one lesson!

I was on the fence about you being AIBU but it appears the teacher probably has experience of parents like you and decided to spare both of you the pain of a troubled relationship.

Please leave this woman alone.

You had every right to ask questions. She should have engaged with you, rather than suggesting that you should have checked her website. It’s like a job applicant telling an interviewer, ‘But it’s all on my CV.’

She may know who she is, but you don’t. She should have welcomed your interest as that of a caring parent genuinely interested in what she has to offer.

No one providing a service, especially to children, should ever have a problem with being asked questions.

You had every right to ask questions.

OP interrogated her, and was clearly sizing her up to make sure she was good enough for her offspring.

She should have engaged with you

She did. Her engagement with the OP was of a negative nature. OP's daughter may have all the musical talent of a potato for all we know, and none of it was worth the trouble.

If I were offering a service, and someone was interested enough to ask questions, I wouldn’t dream of replying, ‘...so I think I know what I’m doing.’ It’s just rude.

She let her ego get in the way of the opportunity to teach an enthusiastic learner, and that’s just sad.

If someone wants to know what I have to offer, I tell them. The website is there to visit should they wish. Some people prefer to ask questions, and that’s okay :)

I think asking the questions would have been fine if you’d done it by phone/ email prior to the lesson because it was taking up lesson time.

Obviously she is well qualified as she’s teaching in schools and this means she’s also DBS checked. If I wanted to see someone’s DBS I would definitely ask them beforehand so they could get it ready rather than at the start of the lesson.

Also depends how many questions you asked 2/3 questions isn’t that bad but any more and you would come across overbearing.

Only on Mumsnet! You ask why the teacher dumped you. You were told that you were intrusive, demanding and a pain in the arse. You don't listen and justify your actions. Hopefully you will modify your behaviour if you find a new teacher.