AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

I imagine part of the issue was that the OP had already gone past the ‘hand over the cash’ stage by booking the lesson. The time for those questions was before booking surely?

I can see how, especially if done in the wrong tone, booking the lesson and then quizzing the tutor in front of the student would raise the alarm in the tutors mind about how the relationship could go. And I can see how, if she didn’t need the work, she reached the conclusion it’d be better to not have this client and move on.

I think your post is really funny OP. You say your dd is dying to play the violin but I can smell pushy tiger mother all over your posts. She is 7 and the fact you were grilling the teacher about when would your dd take exams gives you away. My dd started learning the violin at 7 and I don't think I asked the local music school any questions, certainly nothing about exams 😅

grovelling email has been sent

We are all out of our comfort zones sometimes . Sometimes we don’t always come across as we meant to. You want to do the best by your DD and that’s ok. It does sound like a bit of a question barrage but you are able to see that and take on board PPs opinions which is really good. Lots of people just get defensive and disappear when PPs challenge them. It takes a big person to have a re-think and re-consider. I hope the music teacher feels able to have a re-think and re-consider too. I’d put grades to one side for now though. As I posted, they’re not for everyone and some kids may decide after not being pressured, they’d really like to take a few grades and work their way through them happily. At 7 it’s about fun, getting satisfaction from playing your very first tune etc and getting the basic techniques - posture, finger placing off to a good start. Good luck

I am betting you were quite brusque and condescending with your questions.

She saw what kind of parent you would be (you'd be one of "THOSE" mothers) as lessons progressed and decided she didn't want to be part of the side-show.

The only people I feel for is the teacher and your DD.

I definitely didn’t interview my piano teacher on her qualifications 🤣🤣

I found her online, had a little read and went to give her a go! I’d say quals don’t mean that much, more important is actually their teaching ability. Some people can teach and some can’t, not matter how skilled or qualified they are at the instrument. You have to give the relationship a go before you get to know whether it’s working or not.

Does sound a bit patronising and insulting to turn up to a professional and start asking them what experience they have and whether they’re insured 🫣 especially when it’s publicly available info.

Surely no one can seriously be as lacking in self awareness as you OP? An experienced teacher of 30 years experience spotted the red flags a mile off.

Personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask questions before you sign up for these things. I probably wouldn’t ask about qualifications but I pay $45 for a half hour lesson and if I had to find a new teacher I would want to know what to expect in terms of teaching style (we do Suzuki), amount of practice expected, that kind of thing.

Did you actually read her website?

I'm with the others.

You sound awful.

I can totally understand why she declined to continue.

If the school gave the info about the teacher then no I wouldn’t ask questions . She teaches in local schools so I’d assume is perfectly qualified to teach a beginner.

My daughter played from age 5 until 16. As the teacher came through our local music service I knew he must be qualified so wouldn’t have asked questions.

Bit harsh. Are you perfect?

Op has seen the error of her ways. We don't all think the same and sometimes we speak before putting our brain in gear.

I wish I’d not read OP - the title of the thread has proper made me laugh ! Like she’s heard enough on lesson one and it’s a no from her - howling 😂😂😂

(Sorry OP!)

I’ve been a tutor and I used to avoid a certain type of attitude

It does my head in when people ask me to repeat what is on my website. Asking in a light hearted way, how did you get into teaching, how long have you been playing etc is fine, but asking a school recommended teacher for her qualifications and DBS status is intense, especially when the information is easy to access on a public website. If you were concerned then you would have researched before you took her.

Re instrumental exams @DesperateSusans exams can be very useful for chivvying pupils on to practice more. They can give pupils a sense of achievement and sometimes improve confidence. They can result in very polished performances.

They can also sometimes be a distraction from working on a greater breadth of repertoire, technique, improvising and general musicianship. Polishing up pieces can get boring for children. They can sometimes result in loss of motivation if the examiner's comments seem harsh or if other children are technically more advanced and doing more advanced grades than a more musical pupil who is slower to acquire good techniques .

My DS graduated from a conservatoire with a first class degree in music performance without doing any exams in his first study

before he started as an undergraduate . (He did reach the dizzy heights of Grade 1 piano with merit however).

There's a difference between blurting something out before thinking and the multi question interrogation that OP seems to have done. It all comes across as rather supercilious/overbearing. Questioning about her DBS when she already knows she has one, her insurance details, planning exam strategies on day 1 etc etc. Very tiger mum. There are lots of pleasant parents out there. So why would she choose to work with an unpleasant one. Obviously it's the OP's choice to approach it how she wants but equally it's the tutor's choice to decide that it's not something she wishes to pursue on her side.

So surely she wouldn't have an issue with talking to a new parent about qualifications as a professional.

Odd.

Maybe she is fully booked, very experienced and can't be asked/offended at selling herself to you.

Find another. The relationship between you is already damaged. Her lack of professionalism may cause issues with the way she teaches your child.

I think that's what a lot of posters, who think the teacher was in the wrong, are missing. This teacher has been teaching for 30+ years, I'm sure she has been asked questions by parents many many times before. The OP made her feel uncomfortable about the amount of questions and made her feel she was being interviewed. This teacher has been around the block a few times it must have taken something for her to feel this way. Plus the fact that they were wasting the lesson time on irrelevant questions.

Even if she was sensitive, she isn't in the wrong to refuse someone who she doesn't feel would be the right fit - that's her prerogative and sensible not to waste her or their time. Many music teachers have a trial lesson for this reason.

Hopefully OP will be able to sort some lessons out for her DD.

I don't think you were bring unreasonable asking those questions OP. I think the main issue could be the way in which you asked them. My DP does some work as a tutor. He is registered on a tutoring website, but people often contact him having been recommended him by word of mouth. The website lists all his qualifications and the length of time he has been teaching, and you can find it by googling his name, but if a parent hasn't and they phone or email him and ask questions which the answers are on the website he has no problem giving them the answers. Also he is not offended if asked for proof of his dbs or insurance.

Also just because the school gave you her details does not necessarily mean they have checked she has a dbs. If she has worked for them they may have done, but if not they would have no reason to. I would like to think that most people who work with children in some way would be understanding of a concerned parent checking to the best of their ability that they are suitable to entrust their child to.

Also with regard to the exams, I am another person (who does have personal experience of music exams) who thinks that they are a useful thing to have to encourage regular practice and have something to aim for. My son learnt violin for 4 years, but due to covid never sat any of his exams. He worked hard to learn the pieces and because he had mastered the Grade 1 pieces his teacher moved him on to Grade 2, but eventually I think he got fed up of not having anything to show for his efforts (as well as going from being a tween to a teen) and he gave up. If he had already had an exam or two under his belt he might not have.

Which the OP could have done if she had spoken to her before (when she booked the lesson?) or better still just read her website.

I think it probably wasn't just the many questions but the manner they were delivered.

Ah, so her reputation does proceed her! In most cases.

Lol, sorry OP, hope the grovelling works and she can forgive and forget xxx

I think @fleurneige has summed it up. She’s sought after so she can choose whom she wishes to teach.

DS’s piano teacher is the same, she has a really full schedule.

You wouldn’t be happy with those questions because you are only equipped to teach beginner levels. A teacher worth her salt would not mind questions at all because she’d have nothing to hide. Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with only being able to help beginner players - but just be honest about it if asked :-)

It’s rather sad when all we can advise is for people to read websites 🙄 How about real human communication. You know, how people lived only 20 years ago. No wonder the world is going crazy. No one can handle a few questions from a nervous mum who is not well acquainted with music lessons.

As for being qualified, I refused any music teacher for my child that taught at schools. They’re usually not that great. I go by word of mouth and introductions. And the best teachers (and best qualified) do not have websites. They don’t need new students as they usually have long waiting lists.

My goodness you sound like hard work - the teacher was right!