AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

I think the questions would have been better asked in advance not in front of the child. The question about insurance was very weird.

She is a professional who is selling you a service, it doesn’t sound like you were very respectful.

Go to a Suzuki teacher...My friend's child learned from age 3 and I went to a performance - Was massively impressed by all the students.
They played with passion and flair.

Depends on how you talked with /to her though. And if you did not even read the site first can also see her point too. Given the tone of some of your posts can see why she might have been put off. Lesson learned for next time.

@DesperateSusans My ex husband is a music teacher in schools {and privately } - not violin-
I think you were absolutely right to ask questions.

Teachers have to be unimpeachable and safe around children, {My ex is} and it's perfectly normal to discuss things like qualifications, safety &c.

I'd look around for another teacher - Suzuki does seem very good for violin.

Good for your daughter wanting to learn.

No luvvie, she had an issue with you.

You thought you were interviewing her. But she was interviewing you.
You misunderstood supply and demand

Exactly this. If a teacher is in demand, they are the ones trying you out, not the other way around. I used to do tutoring and I had a similar situation with a parent; I politely declined the request to tutor her daughter. She was taken aback, but I had more requests for tutoring than I could take on, and could afford to be really picky. The teacher clearly knows her worth and didn't appreciate being patronised.

That said, I can see from your later messages that you 'get it' now. Well done for sending that email- it's not easy to admit when you're wrong. I do hope it has a positive outcome for you. If not, then ask around for other recommendations, and now you know what not to do!

By the way, good luck with finding another violin teacher. They are few and far between, especially good ones. The thing th jumped out at me, as a very experienced violin and piano teacher, was your insistence on exams and even which exam board the teacher uses. Instrumental teachers have been training most of their lives - since long before they took formal professional qualifications. The teacher knows which board, if any, suits them and their pupils best. Many teachers use different boards for different pupils. In any case, exams should only be taken from time to time, not to be the focus of music lessons, which should always be about the enjoyment of making music. I expect this teacher did not like being treated as a hired help rather than the highly qualified professional that she is. I think that the way forward for your daughter learning the violin would be through school, a county music hub or Suzuki. Good luck and next time, please treat an instrumental teacher with the respect that you would show other professionals.

*that

I expect this teacher did not like being treated as a hired help rather than the highly qualified professional that she is.

Exactly this. She is an expert in her field and is probably used to being treated with respect.

Different thing, @DesperateSusans , but I had my ancient central heating break down a few years ago I went on a local recommendation for a heating engineer, and was told I'd need to pay a £X,XXX deposit for a new boiler.

I panicked a little and phoned up CORGI to check he was registered when he left.

The heating engineer said on the next visit that he was CORGI registered...and I said ''I know...I checked''..

He was really upset! he said ''You are the only customer to check up on me!''

But I explained why I did, and he was ok about it. {I'd been ripped off by a poor tradesman before} and it's been fine since, he's completely trustworthy.

Maybe your new teacher also felt you were not trusting her, but I understand exactly why you wanted to know.

You interrogated her over her qualifications as if your novice 7-year-old was some child prodigy who needed to be in only the top expert's hands!

You may think exams are a good idea, your child may not

100% this. Because DB was gifted it was assumed by my DF I’d have exactly the same ability, commitment and competitiveness he had. I couldn’t have been more different though and I loathed doing grades. I just wants to play for pleasure .

very formal lessons and being on the grade treadmill, sucked all joy out of playing for me and I was a bag of nerves before and during each exam. I got to Grade 7 but as soon as I could, I gave up lessons and never played much since. I eventually sold my violin as never got it out the case. Very sad really as DB said I am naturally more musical than he is. He has got so much out of playing music throughout his whole life. What one of us thrived on, broke the other.

I'm interested in why you think ABRSM are "better" than any other exam board.

Did you know that for grade 6 or above with ABRSM you have to have grade 5 theory of music with surprise surprise ABRSM, hence sending more money into their coffers?

As has already been pointed out, for UCAS points, they don't specify any board, so UCAS (and by extension most universities - unless they specify their own criteria) - don't think that ABRSM are "better"

But actually, learning an instrument should be about enjoying the instrument and the music, grades can wait until later. Too many promising musicians have given up because of the pressure to achieve grade after grade.....

It may also be useful for you to know that ABRSM are behaving like a bunch of fuckwits at the moment and that experienced, high quality teachers are deserting them in droves. Loads of threads about it on FB.

@DesperateSusans either you were OTT or she is a limp lettuce. I believe the latter - you're paying her to teach so of course she needs to demonstrate her capabilities.

Your DD would do better with a teacher with a bit more spine and a bit less wimp.

Good luck x

Sounds like all your questioning was OTT for a 7 year old beginner, she was probably thinking you’d be hard work and overbearing.

No, {speaking as an ex wife of a many decades music tutor} OP wanted to know that her child was in safe hands.

It's what a lot of parents do, and good for them for checking!

Could have checked her website, details of which was on the flyer OP had.

Oh, the teacher has plenty of spine 🤣

She works with the public and the public can be a nightmare. Good for her.

The music teacher works in a school. She's been cleared to work with children. The school recommended the music teacher. The mother was encouraged to sit in on the lessons. The mother was too lazy to look at the MT website. BIG mistake 😆

I imagine the MT can see people like the mother coming and has no desire to take any crap from idiots so binned her.

@Namechange666 rejection sensitivity is a symptom of ADHD. Reading social cues etc. it's not a leap. I happen to think my ADHD has many adaptive qualities.

I'm not pushing the idea that ND people are a PITA. Far from it.

My child started private music instrument Autumn last year.

There was a website which I read and it stated he worked in schools in addition to private tuition. Listed qualifications.

I haven't asked about drb check as assume he has it due to working in schools.

It hasn't crossed my mind to ask if he has insurance.

I've not asked about how long to get to grades as initially we said to child it'll be a 6 week trial, so I wouldn't ask about gradings because they may not have a musical talent/ability or enjoy it. My child has continued on with lessons and I'm not really interested when they will do gradings. They're only a child and the main thing to me is they enjoy learning the instrument and happy to attend lessons.

My child is 9 now and I've found that good clubs/lessons are in high demand and if you want a place it's best to be cheerful and complimentary whilst focusing on child's enjoyment of the activity.

I remember when my child was younger and joined first ever club in gymnastics I was probably too eager I was interested in the pathways of it all, thinking that'd be my child/our journey. It was all new to me and I was a bit excited at starting club. Gymnastics didn't stick.

Now I'm several clubs and activities into parenting and know to just go with the flow. Some things stick, some don't. Best to be polite, not overly eager and do your research on their social media/website before even contacting them.

Youve probably just come off as a bit interrogating and she's not liked that and has a long list of other kids waiting for a place so she's moving on to next on the list.

In future look at it as a "count yourself lucky" situation and act accordingly to future offers of a space in a club or activity.

Parenting has a lot of politics in it and you need to play the game/say the right things at times. Club leaders/tutors don't owe you anything so better to be gracious to them to ensure a smooth ride for your child :)

I was blown away by Suzuki - the small performance I went to was astonishing, students {School/college ages} were all so confident and competent, and their tutor was amazing.
They played without even looking at music- it was as if they loved doing it, as if it wasn't a chore.

{Just an outsider's perspective}

My thoughts too. Eating into tje lesson time and perhaps making the teacher late for the next pupil.

Also the first lesson is for the teacher to assess the pupil, a "test" of sorts is not unusual, maybe she thought the dc was not the ideal student- not listening to the teacher, not as competent as she'd been led to believe etc.