AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

It's fine to ask questions I would assume , maybe it's a case of not what you say but how you say it?Perhaps it was a bit of an interrogation?

I recently hired an on line tutor for my son in one of his subjects, its just dawned on me I haven't asked the tutors qualifications. All I know is she was recommended to me by another highly commented tutor who said she was great and I an taking that at face value. Bit different I know from music and whatever outcomes you are looking for.

My son is doing well with his tutor incidently!

I went to meet a wedding photographer with my now ex Fi. He basically interrogated her - he asked things you'd expect, like about her experience, but to the extent that it sounded like he didn't trust her. Also patronising questions like whether she carried spare batteries. I was really embarrassed. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong.

We really liked her portfolio but after that meeting she refused to work with us because she didn't want to work with a couple who didn't trust her. Is it possible you made her feel like that?

I'd apologise in an extremely reasonable manner, and say how much your daughter enjoyed it.

And that's OK up to (say) grade 5. Over that you of course switch to someone more qualified. My violin teacher, back when, was quite open about the fact she wouldn't be confident to take me beyond grade 7.

And that's also the same for pretty much any subject. I used to teach GCSE science including physics but only had biology and chemistry as A level and biological sciences at degree level. Curriculum had changed significantly since I was at school so I was actually teaching physics I hadn't learnt at school.

Almost all language teachers teach ks3 languages they are not fluent in (as a secondary language alongside one they are fluent in).

Similar for humanities. History teachers quite often step in for RE.

I remember a student asking me if I was qualified once. After many years of training, with very little money, and then many years of teaching experience, I was quite pissed off too.

Oh yes.

Because every time someone acts like an arse they've got to be ND.

Don't be that person please who pushes a negative narrative on something that is a spectrum and already has negative connotations. Being ND does not necessarily mean you'd act like this.

I can’t see what you’ve done wrong unless it was said in a particular way. Any music teacher who flounces in such a way after being asked perfectly reasonable questions like this on a first lesson is probably not someone I’d want teaching my child one-to-one. I’d be thinking she would be difficult to have a reasonable conversation with about things that come up in the future.
You’d be criticised for not checking DBS / qualifications if it turned out she was some sort of fraud. It sounds unlikely if she teaches in schools, but you were just doing your due diligence for your daughter, good on you!

Do you actually leave while the lesson is ongoing or are you in the building/ house?

I would be content that a person who teaches at school has the right qualifications and experience? I don’t blame her tbh and am glad she felt able to put boundaries in place. I would think you came across as a nightmare parent!

I think you're going to be in for a shock that there's actually very little and the recommended ones are highly sought after with little space.

It wouldn't cross my mind to interrogate a teacher about their qualifications. If she already teaches at the school they must have checked. Seems a really weird thing to do. Hopefully she will accept your apology and teach your dd.

But why would you book a lesson without checking her experience and qualifications beforehand, if it was so important to you?
She probably thought you were mistrustful, questioning how much experience she has, etc.
On the other hand, if you only asked a couple of politely worded questions, then maybe she was a bit touchy.

It's odd that your very senior mum made no distinction between male and female tutors.

OP those were perfectly reasonable questions and she didn't act professionally in her response. I do a similar job and have a folder with all relevant paperwork to show parents on request, not one has ever asked which I find most odd!

Sounds like she's got a bit above herself. What is odd is that she still did one lesson then changed her mind.

Parent doesn't need to apologise. The teacher is in the wrong here.

OP good that you’ve reflected on this; I’d be surprised if she takes you on despite the apologetic email. Good violin teachers don’t struggle to find pupils!

No 🤣
Teacher has refused to take her on.

Old fashioned case of it's not what you said, it was the way you said it l reckon.

why dont you try cello lessons instead op@DesperateSusans

If you're paying money, you have a right to ask.
Same as you would with builders, a private doctor, or anything else.

It's called due diligence before you hand over the cash.

You'd be a big NOPE for me

Violin teacher checking in. I'm not the violin teacher referred to here but I sound pretty similar. 30 ish years of experience, DBS'd to the hilt, degrees & diplomas in performance and music education coming out of my ears. I teach in schools and at home. In schools I'll pretty much teach whoever comes along (although exam obsessed people who don't seem to have any interest in music do piss me off a bit) and I'll do my absolute best for them all.

With my home teaching I am a LOT more picky. These people are coming into my family space & time and I need to want them there, otherwise I will resent them and not do my best teaching. I usually offer an initial trial lesson just to see if we get on, and make it clear that either side can say 'no' without any judgement, just the awareness that in a 1:1 lesson, the personality match needs to work well.

Last time I had a bloody annoying parent situation, the child actually went to one of the schools I teach in, so I said that I would only keep the child on if she learned in school in future. After a bit of arguing, child now comes to me in school and is thriving, because her mother is no longer sitting in & cramping her style, and I'm no longer getting bonkers texts 2 mins before each lesson.

The chemistry needs to work if you're going to the house. Can your child have lessons in school time OP?

If it's any consolation, I have paid upfront nearly 3 thousand for tutoring lessons for my daughter and I didn't check out the tutor thoroughly enough. He's helping her with English and Maths, but he's getting basic stuff wrong himself.

Why on earth would you pay up front??

I absolutely love this for this self employed teacher. Go her!

Agree whole heartedly. That is so offensive. I sincerely hope you don't use this as an excuse for any of your own wrongdoings, and further more, that you don't have to care for anyone that's ND. I'm pretty speechless.