AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

She probably got 'nightmare parent' vibes from you. Sorry!

I think both parties are interviewing each other.

The exam thing - it is a common touchy point between teachers and parents, but teachers also understand that new music parents often don't understand that it's not as predictable as gradings may be in other disciplines, and welcome the opportunity to explain their approach and manage expectations. Wish I'd asked our first piano teacher up front, as her approach was much /more/ exam oriented than I'd have liked and if I'd known we could have looked elsewhere.

And you're not wrong to take seriously finding a good teacher for a beginner. Contrary to what some on the thread seem to think, teaching beginners is not easy. Perhaps particularly on violin as there's a lot to set up before they can really make a nice sound, and it'll save a lot of trouble later to do it right first time. Even as a beginner, DD got a lot of comments from people in the know, looking at her technique, that she must have a good teacher. (She did and does :) )

Hope you manage to work something out OP, with this teacher or you find another. Unless you live in the absolute back of beyond there will be other teachers around somewhere. Keep asking people.

She must have thought you were a bit overbearing. It's fine to ask questions but it's pretty obvious she has an enhanced DBS otherwise she wouldn't be allowed to work in schools. Regarding method of teaching, I think that's fair because there are quite different methods for teaching violin. I probably wouldn't have asked for qualifications in the circumstances though. She teaches school children - surely that is enough for a beginner?

I'm a music teacher and I think the questions you asked are fine. I love to talk about how I got into music teaching, and really value parental interest in how I teach as it's a little unorthodox. I commonly encounter the "how long to grade X" question, and it's because of the lack of knowledge on the part of parents as to what effective music education looks like. When I get asked this by parents, I don't think any less of them, I just explain my approach, why I don't emphasize exams but am happy to put students in for them if it's a decision they've made for themselves, and what the downsides are of being on the exam treadmill. I would expect to be asked about my DBS as that's just standard safeguarding, and to be honest I'm a little surprised by the lack of interest my students' parents have in seeing it! Especially if they then leave the student in my care alone even after I advise staying during the lesson. I would definitely ask for this from any private tutor I'd hire for my kids. I think she seems insecure, but that doesn't necessarily make her a bad teacher. But as you've now found, music teachers are a little bit thin on the ground. I hope that you can get some tuition set up for your daughter- the violin is a beautifully expressive instrument.

I'm guessing it's not what you say , it's the way you say it. To ask that many questions at once when the info is already out there is a bit much, especially asking about grading times. Your dd is a beginner, I wouldn't have even brought that up. I'd rather let dd have a go and see if she enjoys it and see how it goes.
Same with the DBS, you were t leaving dd so why bring it up then.
It sounds like an interrogation rather than a pleasant info gathering.

Good luck 🍀🤞

Maybe it was the question about her insurance? I don't think I'd ask a music teacher that one. Wanting to know about her insurance maybe made her think you might 'take her on' if something went wrong. I find that one a bit of a strange question for music lessons.

I agree they'd be surprised to be asked; but I did have reason to ask one of our teachers (convoluted and not worth repeating) and she just told us who her insurance was with, it was no fuss. One of my first thoughts at the OP actually was possibly the teacher doesn't have insurance to teach at home. They really should but some are casual about that sort of thing, particularly if most of their teaching is in schools. But I guess she must have had if OP still wants lessons.

I totally see why the teacher advised you to go elsewhere. If you couldn’t bother to check the website and get your information there, she’s probably afraid that you’ll be a bit of a time waster at every lesson hereafter! (I used to teach piano and would have really been annoyed if I had to engage in conversation with a parent while her child waited to start a lesson, or worse, eroded into the next pupil’s time when I used to write all the info needed (practice during the previous week/what to concentrate on the following week, etc).

All credit to you OP. I hope things work out well one way or another.
Whether you get this teacher back or not, just bear in mind that music-making has to be fun! The grades will come with a bit of determination, but that's not in the slightest bit important at this stage!

What you did wrong??

We'll thus us a school person who teaches there... So she would have to be suitably qualified...

And she had a website?! 😂

I'd be put off if a parent was grilling me like this... I'd just think you were a potential problem...

My mum was very senior in the family courts, I mentioned that I was considering private music lessons for my 6 year old son and she was very clear that a class would be safer having been involved in some horrendous cases. I'm pretty relaxed, kids do so many clubs but in groups. It's amazing to me that anyone would leave their young child in a 1-to-1 situation with an adult they hadn't spoken to and questioned before. I really don't think that your questioning was overbearing.

Good on you for apologising OP, good luck

I should think so too.
If she decides to work with your daughter, you need to butt out and let her get on with her job. or better still, not be there.

It’s highly unlikely even with grovelling that she’d take your DD on now. I certainly wouldn’t as I could see you’d be irritating and a pita.

From my experience it’s mostly male tutors who are involved in horrendous cases, don’t ask me how but I know. Women are generally fine.

I teach music. That's the beauty of being self-employed. I get to pick who I teach. I don't need the hassle of annoying parents and that's exactly how you came across. Really insulting tbh, 30 years experience and you're grilling her.

You'lll be the type of parent who then starts complaining about the price.

The last parent who interrogated me like this I didn't proceed with.

We'll thus us a school person who teaches there... So she would have to be suitably qualified...
Wrong. Sadly. In our local music service, the minimum qualification for peripatetic teachers is grade 8. And it doesn't even have to be grade 8 in the right instrument, once they're in it could be a grade 8 cellist teaching violin.

Goodluck OP.
I see both sides, you were trying to be an engaged parent and she felt (presumably ) that you were quizzing her.

It's fine to ask those questions. Unless she has something to hide. Find a less defensive teacher.

This is just a straightforward issue of a music teacher who is doing well for herself and can pick and choose her clients.

She has sussed probably from her previous experience that you might be 'hard work' going forward and if she doesn't have to deal with that she just has made a simple decision not to, when she can have an easy life with existing clients.

If she was at the start of her career it would probably be a different situation, but it's not, and she can pick and choose.

People with more clients than time can turn away work. Not everyone needs to say yes!

I'd get bollocked by my regulator if I refused to work with a client because they'd asked about my qualifications or requested a timescale for the work we were going to do. They seem like perfectly reasonable questions to me. I do have a website but if clients want to ask me face to face instead of looking at it I have no problem with that.

It sounds a bit odd to me , it was your own time you were wasting with all the questions , you would have thought she would have at least given you another week to see what happened before she sacked you off . I’m not sure I’d be bothered with someone that sensitive and if you got the lesson fairly promptly she obviously isn’t overwhelmed with students .

I attended every one of my DD violin lessons until she was 13.

Would you call a plumber out and then start interrogating them on their qualifications and experience once they’re in your house? Or would you find that out in advance by a phone call or checking out their website?