AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

I'm a music teacher and do think you sound like one of those parents who is highly strung and would be hard work. Maybe you don't realise how you come across. Over the years I've had a few pupils who I wish I'd turned away due to their parents. Thankfully, I just teach a few students now, who are learning for the enjoyment, and whose parents have never felt the need to interrogate me.

So when you go to a new dentist or doctor do you ask about their qualifications and how long they have been doing the job?

Music teacher here. Generally I don't mind if parents ask a few questions, but if I feel I'm being interrogated I will back off. The first few lessons (I offer a free trial lesson) are about getting to know the student and their general musical ability. To talk about exams, and to say which exam board you think is best seems very pushy and unrealistic. Very often the first lesson is about how to hold the instrument, or put it together, or blow down it.
It's great that you sent an email. I hope you find the right teacher for your DD

I’m trying to say this really kindly. You’re questions aren’t unreasonable but sometimes, we can’t hear or see our manner and tone in the way that the other person does.

She might be eccentric or just unaccustomed to answering questions that are addressed on her website. OR you might have (without realising) have a tone or approach that she found off-putting.

It’s not going to work out with this teacher so write it off to experience or (if it bothers you greatly) send a gently worded email to ask why.

Because you're not interviewing her for a job! I would have done exactly the same in her position

1. Good music teachers are rare.
2. You may think exams are a good idea, your child may not. I, for many years, have taken on extra hours to pay for my children's music lessons. One has happily travelled through the grades. The other one flatly refuses- she plays for pure pleasure. She's really good but she basically wants to play for enjoyment rather than a piece of paper. She will pick up and teach herself a piece for an hour but refuses exams, which is fine.

Very unprofessional imo . Maybe better this way . Maybe find someone a bit more confident . Was this a young or older person ?

so you were so determined to make sure this person was the right fit for your daughter you interrogated her with loads of questions before the lesson even started but didn't bother even looking at her website, checking her youtube (I'm assuming this was linked on the flyer) or checking what other violin teachers were around locally for a comparison?

I was going to say that from your account we can't tell if you were asking a normal amount of questions and she was being oversensitive, or if you were OTT and insulting, but if your daughter was also embarrassed by you and teacher was unhappy to the point she'd reject steady work solely because the prospect of dealing with you once a week was so off-putting it tends to suggest the latter.

It also doesn't come across well that you were prepared to ignore her, your dd, and the general mn consensus on the basis that you had other alternatives and it was only when you'd realised you'd shot yourself in the foot you lowered yourself to accept you MAY have been wrong and apologise - has a very 'this is how one speaks to staff' ring to it.

Hopefully email will work and she will agree to teach your dd but bear in mind this woman is clearly not struggling for work and probably has you on a last warning - and maybe reconsider how you come across to people?

I was more bothered about my child liking the teacher and vice versa at the age of 5 when she started playing an instrument. Everything else comes along naturally

Well summarised!

Her 30 plus years of experience has afforded her the foresight of knowing when a parent is going to be a pain in the arse.

Do you ask taxi drivers for a copy of their licence and ask how many points they have when you get in the car?

Do you go into a restaurant and ask how long the chef has been cooking and what culinary school they went to?

Do you go to a vet or a school or a dentist and ask to see their qualifications?

If any of the above sound like mad things to do, it's because they are. It's basically what you did.

They're teaching the violin to a kid, not performing open heart surgery. Your kid isn't Mozart and will be bored of violin in a few years at most. You're acting like it's training for Oxbridge.

I have one kid who is a drummer, and another who is a pianist.

I researched both their teachers before I booked a trial lesson, the trial lesson was just to make sure they were good fits personality wise, for both sides.

Your interrogation was OTT and got her back up, understandably. Hope you manage to sort something out for your dd, and use this as a bit of a learning curve.

I’ve organised piano and flute teachers and in the past actually taught violin.

good teachers are scarce.Flute round here has very few options indeed. I’ve never really asked them anything other than perhaps how long they’ve been teaching/ what their approach to exams is

I have sat in on the first couple of lessons though - I think that’s important to get a feel for their style but once settled, easier if the child goes in alone.

I hope the teacher comes back to you and you manage to sort something out.

Or maybe she likes to coast along and keep on being paid week after week and be super nice to the kids and their unquestioning parents, and after several years the kids are not making that much progress, or they themselves get bored of the violin, and then she finds new families who are inexperienced or willing to kiss her arse because she's the teacher?

I wouldn't send my child to someone who was annoyed by questions about her qualifications, method, or the exams she prepared her students for.

My kids do music lessons.

There are plenty of music teachers around. But there aren’t many GOOD teachers around and there are even fewer with availability.

We were on a waiting list for over two years for the excellent teacher we have now.

If she has 30 years of teaching experience she can’t be that young. Doesn’t sound like she’s lacking any confidence either?

I don't think there was anything wrong with your questions. In my experience in different areas though, few people do ask about qualifications.

Maybe it was the question about her insurance? I don't think I'd ask a music teacher that one. Wanting to know about her insurance maybe made her think you might 'take her on' if something went wrong. I find that one a bit of a strange question for music lessons.

OP - I suspect you also need to rethink the idea of sitting in on the lesson. She may have 'agreed' with it but she may not really 'want' you to sit in on lessons. I have found all my dcs do way better in progressing on instruments when I have got out of their and teacher's way rather than sat in on lessons.

Your kid isn't Mozart and will be bored of violin in a few years at most.
"Thank U Next"

There's the MO, right there.

@Itscatsallthewaydown 🤣🤣

If you're a private tutor, you have to expect the kind of questions the OP asked.

I think the wrong things here are:
a) you did this in front of your daughter
b) the questions ate into lesson time and were distracting

She is a violin teacher she was recommended. She has a Web site. Your daughter is 7 she's not Yehudi Menuin.
You sound like a helicopter parent, you don't think you did anything wrong in questioning the tutors qualifications/ experience.
I think you'll get through a lot of tutors

Everything is online nowadays- just look up the teacher!

My daughter wants to be a professional athlete and is taught by some former international athletes in her chosen sport. If I started to question their qualifications and credentials they would think I was a complete idiot and wouldn't want to waste their time on me/my daughter as they have an endless supply of students.

I can.