AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Oh no, don’t. Really….dont!

OP - if your DD does not enjoy and get inspired by her early teacher, she will not continue playing.
Early teachers just need to not be crap, and inspire the pupil.

I know a piano teacher who has a pupil 'cull' each summer 😱

I’m not sure this is something you can change her mind on. I’d be really uncomfortable working with someone after telling them they’re not a good fit. And she obviously is not desperate for work

FFs just leave it and grow-up dont call.
Whats been said has been said dont make your self look stupid.
You sound like a moaning pain.

Explain that I didn’t mean to be intense and domineering- I was just out of my comfort zone.

A phonecall won't do this, it will just appear more domineering. An email might, just might, manage it. Seriously, you want to portray yourself as easy to deal with, a call won't do that.

So glad you're listening to advice.....

🤦‍♀️

She’s not a school music teacher, for one thing.
For another that’s a ridiculous thing to say (not a music teacher, but forever grateful for them).

Totally agree with this. A well worded apologetic email MIGHT change her mind.
I wouldn't even answer the phone if you rang if I was her, let alone listen to your explanation

Did you harass her about grades

Seriously?
Say you are ND even if you're not?
Did I really just read that?

Finding it quite funny that you went from not being bothered because you were sure there were plenty of other of violin teachers around to realising there were not and a grovelling apology might be in order.

You were rude. If you were that bothered about so many issues (for a 7 year old for goodness sakes - shes not about to join the Philharmonic) - then you should have spent a few minutes reading her website.

let us know how it goes OP.

Leave.it.be
stop obsessing and fretting about minuatie and what ifs, I said and she said

Sure. But if you want to know more: why not read her website?

It sounds like you've learned a lesson the hard way and climbed off your high horse so that's progress. If you're determined to contact her then don't phone her. That's intrusive on her time and you'll probably gabble and annoy her even more. Try writing her a hand-written letter (snail mail) in which you can think carefully about what you want to say as your grovel for your daughter to be given another chance. Apologise and tell the teacher that you've been a pompous, overbearing idiot who guarantees in future to step back and let your daughter enjoy learning music for its own sake. I'm not trying to be mean here, it's good you've admitted you were wrong - now eat humble pie and good luck!

I've every sympathy with you! I remember when I spoke to my children's first violin teacher on the phone, I asked, I think, about how she came to Suzuki teaching, mainly out of interest - and straight away got a much more detailed rundown of her background and training than I'd expected. We did later part ways partly due to some complex misunderstandings.

Ironically, now I'm also teaching, and yes I tend to view the first lesson as an opportunity to ask questions / share information every bit as much as to see how the child and I will work together. (you'd be amused by the answers you'd get as to my qualifications though! my path to music teaching has been somewhat unorthodox!)

I personally think you're reasonable to email and apologise that you got off on the wrong foot, that you're new to music lessons and hadn't registered that she had a detailed website etc. But if she doesn't follow up then maybe you'd have found her difficult to work and communicate with long term anyway, hope you find the right way forward one way or another!

Everything seems so intense. Big, deep breath. Life has handed you something to teach you something. Forgive yourself, email and explain you know you were too pushy and that you'd be grateful if she could give you one more chance, for DD. You promise to ask nothing at all and just sit there.

Good god. Don't do this. Bloody hell.

OP I'm glad you've taken the comments on board.

I think an email is a better approach, a phone call is pushy and she won't answer the call anyway. You might not get anywhere but an apology that is heartfelt may be noted, even if there's no reply.

Sadly, it's unusual to see people admit they were wrong so I'm glad you've done that.

OP, phoning her really isnt going to help. You could email an apology, in a "I should have read your website first, I didn't realise what a great musician you are, I didnt mean to make you uncomfortable" type way, but dont ask her to reconsider. She will have plenty other pupils if shes a great tutor, so wont need to.

Find an alternative - there'll be someone more than capable of starting DD off in violin a manageable distance away.

If I was the teacher I might respond to an email eventually but would not be willing to have another conversation on the phone. It would be a waste of my time.

As you think violin teachers are easy to find, do better with the next one(s).

I agree - she'll feel harassed.

She's said "No" - just accept it and either pick another instrument and find a local tutor, or be prepared to travel further for violin lessons/

Don’t phone her - email - apologize - explain you didn’t mean to be so over the top - explain how much your daughter enjoyed the lesson - can you offer for your DH to be the parent who takes her to lessons?

Your intensity just triggered something for her - maybe she’s so busy that she doesn’t really need the business and she has decided not to take any more of ‘those’ pushy parents.

Don't make that call OP, it will be really uncomfortable and make it worse.
Send the email if you like but maybe just... calm down a bit?! There's no reason for your daughter's first go at learning an instrument to be so intense is there? She's 7. See if she fancies a go at the flute or the guitar instead, or ask around at school and find another violin teacher, and ask fewer questions! Just see how she gets on with it.
Good luck. Well done for admitting you got this one wrong, we've all been somewhere similar.

grovelling email has been sent