Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

He does, obviously. And it’s his decision that has shocked and hurt OP. Understandably.

She’s not adopted though and it’s not comparable. They didn’t both make a decision to go and adopt her together. OP eldest has a father but he’s shit and she wants DH and his family to make up for it.

Yes, she’d be equal if she had been adopted.

She isn’t adopted.

Equating blended families with adoption is crass, IMO

I'm torn here.

I think what she has offered is an olive branch

Is it worth carrying it on?

It's your DH that's got it wrong, really

Lol, ‘it’s not okay’ - I didn’t realise you were the authority on that one. You can strongly disagree all you like, all the foot-stomping and calling them dicks in the world isn’t going to change the reality of this for OP. It doesn’t matter what anyone else would define family as, these specific people do not consider her a grandchild or niece, and their position really isn’t an unusual one when it come to blended families. She is OP’s daughter, family in the same way that OP is, and she along with OP would cease to be their family should a divorce happen.

When it comes to the youngest OP is an equal parent with her DH. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide what relationship the youngest daughter gets to have with her paternal family (and she shouldn’t be denied one either! Is that the equality we’re going for? One doesn’t have a relationship with hers so neither will be allowed to?).

She may feel hurt but that’s something she needs to deal with herself. She had a child with someone else and bringing her eldest into another family doesn’t mean they were going to treat her exactly like any biological grandchildren.

Yes to some families genetics do matter and there is nothing wrong with that.

Adoption isn’t comparable to this either.

Why? When the child really only has one family

I get that. But that’s an issue between her and her dh. Not the family, who have done as she asked. She wasn’t happy the oldest wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid but accepted it. It was the no invitation that enraged her. The sil has tried her best to resolve it and op now has an invitation for the eldest. The mil got involved like op wanted. Now op won’t accept she isn’t a bridesmaid. Even though she did before.

As I said, it clear op gets more of a say in what happens with the oldest. So she doesn’t see him as a completely equal parent. That could contribute to this. I think couples counselling might be better than jumping to divorce over someone else’s wedding

But op believing that they all must think like her, isn’t helpful. They did as she asked. She can’t force them to think like she does. Because there are differences.

her DH family don’t have to rectify that and they shouldn’t be expected to.

I honestly think you should go now.

Plaster on a smile and go all out

But you really need (perhaps a counsellor) to get you and your husband to understand why this is such a big deal and what he (and you) can do to navigate it going forward

I suppose I can only think what I would do and that's treat them as family

As a friend who's in a similar position has done.

It's just (imo) the right thing to do

Inviting three people out of a family of four, and excluding a ten year old is cruel, even if the wedding is child-free. What did they expect your ten year old to do? She can hardly stay home in her own. So, if your youngest really wants to be a flower girl, I’d let her go with your husband, and not have anything more to do with BIL/SIL.

‘Lol ok’ - you feel that it is fine to remove a ten year old from a family photo which her cousins and sibling are included in, a photo of people she considers her family, and say ‘you’re not in this photo because you’re not really our proper family’. Ok then. That sounds lovely.

The equality is more ‘we are a family. You get all of us or none of us’. It absolutely is the DH’s stance that is the issue here.

Inviting three people out of a family of four, and excluding a ten year old is cruel, even if the wedding is child-free. What did they expect your ten year old to do? She can hardly stay home in her own

I agree. What were they thinking?

The fact she doesn’t see her DF’s family, doesn’t change anything at all. That’s the point people keep making. It doesn’t make her MORE a part of DH’s family.

"could not have envisaged" I think they probably could have envisaged not inviting your daughter would cause upset, to be honest.

But she really is trying to meet you half way here and trying to make peace. I think you should all go given the update.

It isn’t a problem with the people actually organizing it, or indeed the person it’s for. I don’t see the problem either 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m aware that she disagree, so I see no point going round in the circles to continue to disagree.

if OP wants to make an issue of it she is free to, but she’s still not going to get what she wants. Her youngest daughter is still going to have an involved father and paternal family whether she’s with him or not. Her eldest daughter still won’t.

She can’t control what anyone else thinks and feels, no matter how much she may want to.

Why do you think it is crass?

I was waiting for that question to come up. My parents’ wills leave everything to my brother and I. My will and my DH’s leaves everything to my DSS, DSD and my DS.

I should imagine that my brother’s will leaves everything to his own kids.

The bride is really nice and is making an effort. Go to the wedding, take your older daughter and build a relationship with the bride.

I think this is pretty good. Just explain calmly.

No, like the youngest she has two parents. Bio mum and bio dad. Bio dad can't be arsed and bio gran (who frankly needs to grow the fuck up, and this is where OP needs to focus) who cries all the time if she sees the child.

OP just accepts that, as a "well, I can't do anything about it". Which is a complete double standards when she wants to be furious at a man raising this unrelated child with her and a non related family who by her own admission treat the child nicely. After having a tantrum about her unrelated child not being treated the way she wants (by neither of the actual parents but unrelated people!!) the non related family have even adjusted things according to OPs insistance that they must become "surrogate" family, with the unbelievable justification "well, her real paternal family aren't involved, so damn right." The gall of it.

If the real family are "allowed" to do nothing according to OP, then it's a complete pisstake to act this was towards an unrelated family.

Your soon to be SIL has realised she’s fucked up and is trying to make amends. You need to be gracious, recognise that and attend the wedding as a family.

A wedding is not the place to take a stand. It will cause a rift that will be difficult to overcome in future.

You we’re completely right to feel how you felt at the start of this thread. Don’t turn yourself into the bad guy here.

You have fired a shot across the bow, everyone in the family now understands how you feel and hopefully you’ll never be made to feel like this again and the family will be more sensitive going forward. But they won’t if you and your eldest don’t turn up to this wedding.

DH would have parental responsibility if he adopted a child, just as he would for a biological child. OP is considering divorcing her husband and if she does, he won't have the right to see his step daughter. Did op mention if her side of the family are involved in her dds' lives?

I understand why you are still upset. I think SiL's message is a good olive branch and she and MiL are clearly trying but simply don't get that in your family the two children come as a package.

As your husband has effectively been your elder daughter's father since she was tiny then of course she wont see herself as different.

I think the problem has to be down to your husband and how he has communicated about your family to his. Your elder daughter wont inherit from him - he clearly sees her as different and that will impact on the way that they treat her.

In my family husband and I had a son a piece then met and had a daughter. Each set of our parents asked us when we got married how we viewed our family and we made it clear that the three are all children of our family and are to be treated equally. 15 years on, this is how it has always been.

I am sure that my family's love for my son is deeper and husband's family's is for his son, but this is never communicated to them at all and they are all treated as if all three had the same parents.

I think you should wait a couple of days before responding to give yourself time to get over the upset then I think the right thing to do is to attend as a family.

Once things have calmed down, you need a sensible conversation with your husband about how each of you feel and how your family will work moving forwards. If you don't get this sorted now your elder's teen years could be extra challenging, you need to be a united team with common understandings of roles and family dynamic