Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Trying to force everyone to accept the eldest daughter as an equal family member by stropping won’t work. It takes time and some people may never fully get there. It sounds like MIL and SIL are open. BIL sounds a bit thoughtless anyway and Great gran probably won’t be that involved. The main concern is how your husband really sees it, that needs talking about but making things awkward for him isn’t the way to address it. You need to talk to him when you’re calmer, perhaps even with professional help.

I think if you don't treat this as the final word on the wedding it is going to become an unpleasant row, which won't help either of your daughters.

I agree with @Shetlands

What do you actually want? They’ve invited her now that they heard it was causing upset, she’s not a GC so won’t be in the GC photo, presumably there will be lots of other photos she can be in.

If you say no, you’re going to come across as the difficult one. Not everything is about your DC. I agree with the PP who said this is wrapped up in your guilt at the situation, but trying to force people to call an apple an orange, doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t sound like any of them have ever spent much time together, all go and have a nice time and you might actually end up building a relationship.

I have 2 sisters, full sisters.
Both of them were bridesmaids at weddings that I wasn’t invited to.
I wasn’t a bridesmaid until my db got married, I was 17.

It hasn’t scarred me for life, I may have been a bit miffed at the time but not much.
Why do people escalate things?

Your dd’s will pick up on your hysteria @KeenHiker .
Calm down, go to the wedding and in 15 years time ask your dd’s what they remember.
They will probably have had a fun time.

But there is differences.

Just read the thread. Even some people supporting the Op think she should get final say over whether the oldest goes or not. Because they recognise there’s a difference. Op can’t stop her husband taking the younger one, but could stop the older one going.

Your family isn’t everyone’s family. I posted before that I have seen (twice) in real life where families treat step kids and biological kids all equally. Yet when the adults relationship ends, they never see the step kids again.

There is a difference. if op did divorce her husband, he would have a hell of fight seeing the oldest at all.

There are differences. And people are all different in how they view them. They don’t all have to see it the Ops way because she wants it.

So if op can’t accept that her mom got invited even though she didn’t want to, the sil has been in touch and rectified it that’s up to her. But that hers causing issues as well.

Essentially op is saying unless she has it all the way she thinks it should be she will cut them off. She can cut them from the oldest, because there’s a difference.

I get it OP and I'd feel the same. In your and DH's eyes both daughters are equally yours and DH's yet his family are treating your eldest differently, less than and she will pick up on that and be hurt.

What would hurt me most is that DH isn't saying both are equally my daughters please accept eldest as if she were my biological daughter. Is there any chance he could adopt her?

I understand where other posters are coming from in terms of blended families, but it feels more like your DH took her in as a daughter, not a step daughter and is her Dad to her in the same way as to your youngest which feels different.

You’re not being a dick, op. Many people on here are. You’re understandably hurt and upset that your DH’s family don’t see your eldest daughter as a member of their family. Would those posters saying that DH decided to accept her as his daughter but doesn’t get to make that decision for his family say the same about an adopted child? I doubt they would, because it’s horrible.

I think part of it is that your DH’s attitude is different than what you expected. He doesn’t have a problem with his family’s actions, he didn’t see the issue with asking dd2 to be flower girl and not the eldest, and that is a hurtful shock.

You are absolutely not being a dick. Some people on here will just take an opportunity to be utter arses and kick someone when they’re down.

I think in your shoes now, I would go to the wedding. I would message the SIL and tell her that you are hurt because you didn’t realise that they didn’t see your eldest as family, or as different from the other grandchildren, and that you’re hurt by the photo, but thank her for extending an invitation to your eldest and graciously accept. Then you and your DH have some resolving to do I guess, which will only happen over time and between the two of you.

Just FYI, even though you have tried to blank out names in your screen shots, the names are still visible to me so you might want to co wider deleting, especially in case this gets picked up by scummy media outlets and causes ww3 in your family.

It is very different from a blended family in which the child has a biological family that they have a relationship with. Family isn’t about DNA, it’s more than that, and the OP’s DH is a dad to both daughters.

But she’s not a equal member of the family to DH family. She’s not related to them. She’s the daughter of a women he married.

See I’m not interpreting the OP’s response as wanting it all her way. I see it as wanting her DH and his family to treat her 2 daughters the same, not just at the wedding, but in life in general. Perhaps it would be different if they didn’t all live together, but they are one family. If the eldest DD was adopted by both parents and the youngest born to them, would the treatment be the same?

I don’t blame the OP for still being disappointed with the reaction and especially with her DH.

Also, biologically-related families break down and don’t see each other too, so that’s not a strong argument for different treatment growing up.

No, it isn’t. That she doesn’t have a paternal family isn’t their fault, and nor is it their responsibility to rectify. They clearly aren't going to anyway, no matter how much OP or anyone else kicks off. It is what it is.

And no, it doesn’t seem that he thinks he’s equally dad to both of them, based on what OP said about the will (and neither does OP! Given that she’s accepted that, and thinks he has no say in whether her eldest attends or not).

OP, you’ve defended your daughter. They’ve caved. What is the point in prolonging this?

Do you love your DH? If you do, do this for him. It’s his family and he wants to please everyone.

If you don’t love him and can’t do this for him, make plans to leave.

That is the definition of ‘wanting it her way’. She wants them to think and feel the way she wants them to, but they don’t. That’s the bottom line. She nor anyone else can demand they do.

In your and DH's eyes both daughters are equally yours and DH's yet

This isn't true, though. He may be treating her like a daughter, but he doesn't see her as his daughter. If he did, he wouldn't be leaving everything to just one child in his Will. Even he sees there is a difference between them.

Are you only a member of the family if related by blood then? Would she not be equal if OP and DH had adopted her together, then had the younger DD by getting pregnant?

But she is wanting it her way. She wants them to view exactly how she does. It’s unrealistic.

Especially, since she also believes she has more right over decision relating to the oldest than her husband does. That means she doesn’t quite see him as completely her dad.

Yes biological families break up. Who said they don’t? getting access to a child you are actually biologically related to is far easier. Op could literally cut her husband and his family off from her oldest if she wants.

Because there is a difference between the 2 children.

@2Hot2Handle

I have 2 SC and 1 biological DS. I treat them all the same and so do my family. Both DSC were included in my brother’s wedding and it wouldn’t have occurred to him to treat them any differently.

do your families and your wills reflect this?

But in that case she would be both the Ops and the dhs daughter.

Step children and adoption is a very different thing. Let’s not pretend it’s the same.

I'm certainly not trying to kick OP while she's down. I'm trying to point out that there's a danger that she could make things worse for herself and both her daughters by reacting while she's upset. She could lose the goodwill of the family members that appear open and finish with her younger daughter being with her father and his extended family 50/50 and her and her elder daughter being on their own. It seems more sensible to build on the positives.

This is the problem. OP has discovered that this is how DH’s family see things, and that is hurtful.

What makes someone family then? Genetics? An adoption certificate?

OP’s dh is raising both children as his, which I maintain is very different from some blended families.

This is the problem. I strongly disagree with you, and no, op can’t make them see her eldest as family, I think the issue is that the DH is allowing different treatment.

It’s seriously not ok to separate out a ten year old from a photo that’s only for ‘the real grandchildren’. I would personally tell them both DC in the photo or neither.

But that’s not a decision for just Op.

Her dh gets a say as well.

Completely agree with this!

I don’t disagree with this. I do feel that the DH should be saying ‘all or none of us’, but as he isn’t, I don’t think the issue is with the wider family, it’s with him.