Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I wonder if you are a big part of the problem, you seem to have such high standards of other people but quite low ones for yourself. Your expectation that a Great grandmother will include your dd is optimistic but unreasonable. How many times has she met your dd?

your sil has offered you an olive branch, take it with good grace, your mil has come out to bat for you and it’s still not good enough. Her relationship with your sil will be damaged. Hopefully she can repair that over time.

You clearly aren’t a close family, and they are quite wisely worried you are going to create a scene. On 2nd thoughts if I was the bride I’d ask you not to come.

Sadly this is very different from my experience as a wedding manager.
I've seen guest lists change a number of times even after invites have gone out based on hurt feelings. I've had people add on guests just days before the wedding meaning we've had a hell of a time trying to add them on (reprinting seating charts, scrapping together another favour, finding matching extra chairs in some situations).

It largely comes from family pressures, often coming from the family matriarchs ime, who pressure B&G to invite this and that person because cousin X is upset etc.

I think your anger is misplaced, you can't pressure this family to take the place of crying gran and co, your SIL sounds nice and if you respond calmly you may find that she does become the aunt that you wish your ex SIL was. But the only way to do this is not go nuclear now. Your DDs will follow your lead, buy DD1 a nice dress and have a lovely time. Act like the picture doesn't matter, i doubt your DD is bothered about a 90 year old she never sees. Im sure both DDs will have a lovely time.

I would separately approach crying gran and see if she can find a way to contain herself so she can spend time with DD1 - that's where i would out my energy tbh

As someone who tends to react in the heat of the moment, I would just take a few days to let everything calm down before I made a decision.

The message from SIL came across ok to me. I think you are overreacting to the photo with GGM. As a guest the photos are the most boring part of the wedding so easy enough to wander off with DD1 whilst DD2 stays with dad.

My feeling is that you’ve made your point and it’s been listened to. Refusing to go to the wedding is OTT.

I would politely send RSVP explaining that only you & DH will attend as it’s not fair on “the girls” that one attends without the other and that if they’d have run it past you first, you would’ve made that clear from the outset. Therefore DD2 will not be attending or being flower girl. This gives a clear message that you both regard DD1 & DD2 as a pair and expect others to do the same. I think they’ll pretty quickly change their minds and invite you all. But if they don’t just explain to youngest that she’d be on her own at the wedding as you wouldn’t be able to attend, without any other children and you don’t want her sister to be excluded, and that she really won’t be missing out on anything except wearing a nice dress for a day. She might be a little upset but you can make it up to her. Arrange that the girls spend the day of wedding with your own parents.

Going forward, you all need to present yourselves as a family unit of 4 - you must all go together to any family events or to visit MIL, BIL & SIL. Don’t let DH pick off DD2 to visit alone. This whole issue has stemmed from the way he’s presented you to his family - more like a ‘baby mother’ than his wife.
Out of interest, did you invite his family’s stepchildren to your wedding?

What a horrible way to treat a 10 year old. Neither me nor any of my kids would be going. If my husband went he’d be going alone.

I don't think you are being a dick.

I would go to the wedding now because I think if you don't you are setting a bomb off in your life and really it's not going to be a decision about whether you go to the wedding or not. It's got further reaching implications and now might not be the time to make those enormous decisions because you are angry.

A agree with the posters saying that at ten, your dd should be able to understand she isn't going to be in that photo.

You can’t force them to consider your eldest their grandchild, and you need to accept that. It isn’t their fault that your family isn’t a nuclear one, and it isn’t their fault that the paternal family of your eldest have no relationship with her. They don’t have to step in as surrogates and take responsibility for that.

Your husband may love your daughter and be a good father figure to her, but you also know that he makes a distinction between his stepchild and his child. That is very normal in blended families, and it is the case with the person you married, and the family you married into.

You also chose to have a child with him, and that child is entitled to have a relationship with her paternal family that isn’t defined by your anxieties over your eldest. While some posters will tell you that your youngest will of course grow up to share your opinion, there’s examples on this website of this expectation damaging the parent-child relationship, as well as the sibling one. Don’t put that on her.

Neither me nor any of my kids would be going. If my husband went he’d be going alone.

The youngest child is his child though. If he wants her to go to a family wedding then he has as much right to take her to a family wedding than the OP has as saying she isn't going. And the child wants to go.

The bride is trying her best here, I know that doesn't help your feelings towards your OH but try your best to disassociate that from the wedding. Dont worry about who's in the photo's, thats the families choice and to some extent you have to accept that your eldest is your OH's stepchild, not theirs.

Remind your DH though (if i read it right) that this isn't a 'jealousy' issue from your eldest, it's a clear indication of how she's perceived by her stepdad. I think anyone would be upset by this, no matter how much they understood.

So despite the older child now getting an invite to the wedding. And op still not wanting to go herself, you think both children shouldn’t go. But op should?

Ops husband is taking the youngest. She is his child too. And if she really sees him as the oldest really dad, he gets a say in whether the oldest goes as well.

Go to the wedding. Paste a big smile on your face. Don't make a big deal of any photo and try and enjoy yourself. You may find that you end up with an ally in your sister in law.

She mentioned my eldest by name just once. Husband has 94 year old grandmother and it’s clear eldest would have been excluded from photo with her and grand kids and great grandchildren

Your eldest dd isn't her great granddaughter though. She isn't a blood relation or adopted. If you split with DH then his family will never see your eldest dd again.

You mentioned that your dd has a paternal grandmother but you don't visit her because she is upset that her husband died. I'm sorry if this is a touchy subject but are you close to your family? Maybe have photos of both of your daughters with your side of the family.

It's the way she refers to your child as 'your eldest ' rather than by name that would rile me. Clearly doesn't see her as part of the family at all.

I’d be put off by all the genetic photo bs and be really upset for my child just like you.

It’s really hurtful being the odd child out in this situation. She’ll pretend she’s fine because what else can you do.

I think you need to consider what is best for your daughter. As you said - she doesn't know she was not invited. She just knew she was not asked to be flower girl. Now she is invited I think you should all go and try and have a nice day. If you don't - she is going to wonder why you are not allowing her to go to the wedding.

Sure you are raging - but although I am one for step children are on par equally with biological children - I would not have crossed my mind that a 10 year old would be upset that her 5 year old sister was a flower girl as in my mind flower girls are toddlers/young children.

The issue is still here for me - why did your husband not tell you that his sister had asked him about the youngest being a flower girl? He should have realised the 10 year old would be upset and together you could have prepared her. My children did not have a role in their uncle's wedding - so they ended up last minute being given the role to announce the cutting of the cake.

Your sister'n'law has extended an olive branch - be the bigger person and take it.

People who want a childfree wedding with just a couple of flower girls, as is their right.

It's never been a child-free wedding though. PPs invented that to justify the exclusion of the older girl, but OP has said there are child cousins attending.

Not to me you’re not. DH’s family are missing the point entirely. This is about your DD not being considered an equal family member, because she doesn’t share the same blood as them.
You’re right to think this still hasn’t been resolved. DH should be handling this one directly with his family. It shouldn’t be you out there on your own, having to try to get his family to understand.

Have you tried asking him how he’d feel, if it was his biological daughter being excluded? Is he capable of seeing things from another angle?

YABVU now. Your MIL took a risk and said something. it could have backfired on her. Your SIL sent a message to try her best to set things right. Your husband probably said things that upset you because he was stressed. Stop and think what you actually want here. If you strop and don’t go how will that affect your daughter and your future family relationships. Yes, you will come over as a dick. Your BIL sounds a bit thoughtless but your new SIL sounds as if she’s doing her best. I understand that you’re protective of your daughter but you’re getting things out of proportion.

You’re lashing out at anyone and everyone at this point because your own family set-up isn’t what you want it to be.

You are beyond unreasonable about the photograph with the great-grandmother. She’s not even YOUR grandmother! You’re actually pissed off at a 94yo woman’s definition of what HER own family is!

And, spare a thought for the bride. Look at the position you’ve put her in before she’s even joined the family. Not even your family, your DH’s!

Honestly, if I were the bride I would be giving your DH’s family the widest possible berth after marriage. You would have created so much extra stress, made this all about you. Not what anyone organising a wedding would need or want. Give it a rest. You’re just one person. Sort out your own house in your own time. This is all in you, your choices, your decisions, your problems. Stop foisting your issues on everyone else.

So this can only be resolved if all the in laws agree with Op. doesn’t matter that they have corrected their mistake. They have to completely agree and can’t have their own feelings on it?

Maybe Op should give them room to film frank and honest with about their point of view. If she did would you expect that she just agree with them?

This is your guilt talking. Your guilt over your first daughter not having a loving father and the involved parental side of the family. It is sad that she doesn't have that because every child deserves to feel loved and wanted by their family. But it is not your fault, you can't fix that, nor can you make up for it by trying to transfer the responsibility of that on to other people. Your husband has chosen to be in her life, so he does have a responsibility towards her. What that looks like is something you two have to decide between you. It differs between blended families. But your husband's family are not your oldest daughter's family. They don't have to see her as anything other than your first daughter. I think you need to find a way to let go of the guilt (or whatever it is) you're feeling about your eldest not having her blood family in her life, because this is going to affect your relationship with both your daughters (and between your daughters), your husband, and your own happiness.

Not agreeing with OP or feeling what she wants them to feel isn’t ‘missing the point’. This will never be resolved if OP expects that, because that isn’t something she has the power to force. She needs to accept and come to terms with that.

If the OP’s DD was a blood relative, she would likely be a bridesmaid too and in all the family photos. She’d be sat at the top table, the same as her younger sister (or if no room, both sisters would be on a family table).

Can you not see that they are being treated differently and the OP is trying to protect her daughter from being treated as less important? Sure they’ve invited her to the wedding now, but she’s still being treated differently to her little sister because they have different fathers. It’s not just about a wedding. It’s about everything that comes after.

I have 2 SC and 1 biological DS. I treat them all the same and so do my family. Both DSC were included in my brother’s wedding and it wouldn’t have occurred to him to treat them any differently.