Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Let him get on with it then. Don't involve yourself and you and your daughter have a nice weekend away

OP - you need to understand that your daughter is not these people’s family. She is an in law to them. As much as you think she should be their family, she isn’t. Life is going to be hard if you can’t accept this, and help your daughter accept it as normal.

I don't think you're being a dick, and I still wouldn't go.

Yes OP did talk about DD’s biological dad’s side of the family.

Agree with this. So many AHs!

Is it normal? Genuine question. I'm not aware of any friends/ relatives where a you g child would be excluded because they are a step. It seems quite shocking to me.

The OP has said that she doesn’t know who else is invited and whether there are children or not. The only thing that is certain is that it is a stepchild-free wedding…

They were not. Clearly. That or they have zero empathy.

Which is why OP is understandably upset!

Won't the great gran photo exclude most people there?

The new bride won't be in it. Not her sister and those 2 girls (I assume 14 year old also invited now)

Nor any partner of the grooms siblings. Like the op.
Nor her mother in law (or father in law maybe) if it was blood only.

So lots of not included people.

I presume she means her step-mum who is effectively her Mum now

No, she means OP's direct family (ie her mum and dad etc).

We already know the paternal family aren't involved. If OP's direct family aren't much cop either, it would go a long way to explaining why she's trying to force these people to be the family she hasn't had from anyone. Doesn't make it right still.

I'm glad you're standing your ground for your daughter. When dh married you, he accepted her as family. If his family don't see it that way, he should correct them or distance them.

I have two cousins (one on each side) who are not biologically related to their fathers (my uncles). I never even knew until I was much older. Everyone treated them exactly the same. Always. No distinctions ever.

I meant the maternal side, so the OP's family. Both dds are related to that side.

Oh, you’re right I misread that. I don’t understand the relevance, though? If OP’s family are in her life, both of her DDs are biologically hers, so one would assume they’d have the same treatment.

Regarding your use of the word “force” when it comes to being the family she hasn’t had, do you really think that’s a fair assessment? OP lives as a family of 4 with her two children and husband. Is she really being unreasonable expressing upset over the exclusion of one of the members of her household not being invited to a wedding that the other 3 were?

Op I was outraged on your behalf and your eldest daughter's, but after reading the message from the bride I think I'd now go to the wedding with your whole family of 4.
Also I can read several of the names you tried to scribble out, sorry.

I don’t understand the relevance, though? If OP’s family are in her life, both of her DDs are biologically hers, so one would assume they’d have the same treatment.

The relevance is, that if OP's family aren't in her life, then the unrelated family are the only people in eldest DD's life, but remain an unrelated family. Neither her maternal or paternal family are. And for youngest DD, it's just her parental.

And "fair" is subjective. Because it's ok for the DH to say, "I will parent and raise this child as my own" but that's as far as it goes. She might want his parents to act as grandparents but they don't have to suddenly declare an unrelated child their granddaughter and act as such. But it goes beyond that, she actually feels absolute entitlement to this, and actually berates them if they don't act how she wants.

To put my POV in simple terms, I think that the DH’s family aren’t kind people for treating the DDs differently. DH lives as a family of 4 and both daughters should have been included from the off.

OP is not wrong for wanting this, or for communicating this to DH and his family.

SIL has apologised for upsetting OP, but not for excluding daughter in the first place, if you read her messages. It’s good that she is trying to resolve this, but is missing the point that she excluded a member of DH’s family.

I am glad you are not going OP, if your husband is treating your eldest daughter as his, the family should be gracious enough to accept this and treat her the same. As for excluding her from the photo's words fail me.

I don't think she's wrong for wanting it.

I think she is wrong for feeling entitled to it, and acting like this when people don't want to do what she wants, when they are perfectly entitled not too.

If my brother married someone with a child, they would not suddenly be my niece. I would be perfectly nice and kind to them, and probably but a little birthday and Christmas present etc, but I'm not going to suddenly declare a completely unrelated child is my actual niece just because my brother has shacked up with her mum. She's a "step niece" if they are married (not that that's really a thing, step doesn't really go beyond the directs: mum/dad/brother/sister/daughter/son) but prior to that, she's my brother's girlfriend's daughter. I might think the child is brilliant. She's still not my niece. And that's ok.

It doesn't make her, no.

But I don't understand how knowing she has no other (functioning) family you wouldn't include them

I can only go by what I'd do.

I completely agree. You can only go by what you'd do.

Some people would say, well I must become her surrogate family because her own family don't bother. Some people would say it's not my responsibility to pick up the failings of two other families, who's responsibility it actually is.

What you can't do, is demand the stance on someone's behalf. Which is what OP is doing.

OP, there’s no mention of your family. Do you have a relationship with them?

Wedding photos always don't include everyone. When they start, you take DD1 somewhere else, "they're taking the photos now so DD2 and DH will be busy for a bit so why don't we go and do X?"

The photo probably won't include partners either - we have photos with elderly relatives which are literally blood only, no spouses or partners.

It's not unusually to only use the cute, little one in the wedding party and not every child. So the flower girl thing feels like a false lead.

DD1 didn't know she wasn't invited so for you and her not to go now means you're going to deliberately cause drama by telling her something she doesn't need to know about

I think it is normal for a family to not see a stepchild the same as a bio child, yes. I think it is in fact very common - hence the stereotype of ‘wicked stepmother’, which is really just ‘this woman does not want to be my mummy.’ OP needs to manage her expectations and work on managing her daughter’s expectations too. Unfortunately, when you split with your child’s parent, your child no longer has a nuclear family and you need to help them navigate that, rather than expecting people who don’t care to accommodate the loss you have caused your child (stable parents who are together).

My grandmother who is in her late 80s would absolutely be baffled if we presented her with a picture of her surrounded by her great grandchildren and my step kids were included. They aren’t her family and as nice as it would be for the kids to be treated as if they were - no. This is a thing they are doing to document a family moment, and sadly your elder daughter is not their family.