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AIBU?

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Original poster

To love but not like my adult son.

446 replies

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 29/02/2024 18:06

With kindness I’ve yet to see any mention of boundaries or consequences. You need to sit him down, tell him he’s got to start looking after himself and you won’t be serving him anymore, tell him your expectations of him in terms of his behaviours and spell out what happens if he doesn’t change, then you need to follow through when he doesn’t! If this carries on he will never have a healthy relationship or be able to manage himself in the work place, and even worse, your daughters might grow up expecting this to be normal male behaviour and tolerate it because that’s what the adults in their lives have taught them to do with their own inaction.

vanillaclouds · 29/02/2024 18:07

All those saying don't cook for him or do his laundry, it's a family of 5 how can you cook a meal for the rest of the family but not him? and do the laundry for 4 but not his?
That's just being petty and unkind. He's part of the family not a lodger.

fedupandstuck · 29/02/2024 18:14

vanillaclouds · 29/02/2024 18:07

All those saying don't cook for him or do his laundry, it's a family of 5 how can you cook a meal for the rest of the family but not him? and do the laundry for 4 but not his?
That's just being petty and unkind. He's part of the family not a lodger.

So, adults in a household can contribute. So he can take a turn to cook for everyone and he can take a turn to do some washing. He is not a dependent child, he is a functioning adult and needs to move from thinking that everyone else in the house is there to service him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/02/2024 18:16

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 29/02/2024 10:18

For gods sake boot him out! Why on earth are you letting him stay in your home when he treats you all so horribly! How awful for your DH and DDs to be subjected to this vile behaviour.

For his sake and your sakes you need to get him out.

This!

He isn't a helpless child - he's a nasty, bullying adult. You aren't responsible for his welfare. Get him out asap. Just pack his stuff in a bin bag, leave it outside and change the locks. Where he goes is HIS worry - not yours.

It must break your heart that your ex has managed to corrupt him ike this, but unless somebody takes a stand against him your entire family will suffer.

Is your DH only tolerating him for your sake? Tell him he doesn't need to.

YouJustDoYou · 29/02/2024 18:18

You continue to cook and clean for him? Therein lies your problem - YOU.

Nonewclothes2024 · 29/02/2024 18:32

So his dad won t have him , but you have to. Nope , get him out.

ohthejoys21 · 29/02/2024 18:35

To all those saying kick him out (and I agree he can't live at home the way he is), kick him out where exactly? Can he afford to rent?

anyolddinosaur · 29/02/2024 18:42

He's abuxive and you are teaching your daughters to accept abuse from men. Stop doing anything for him and then kick him out.

Goatymum · 29/02/2024 18:45

Why are you slaving after him? Does he work? I’m sure he could find a houseshare…

KTheGrey · 29/02/2024 19:08

You are right, OP. You need to ask him to leave.

iwafs · 29/02/2024 19:13

I don't think you can compare him to your daughters. They grew up with a mum and dad that supported and loved them. Your ds lived between homes, with one of those homes being very substandard in terms of behaviour at least.

Personally I wouldn't yet throw him out. I'd try to sit down with him and have a proper discussion. If he refuses to even sit down for a talk, I'd then tell him well he needs to leave if he isn't going to talk in a civil and friendly manner. Then I would lay it all out for him - the fact that he happily has people slaving after him, that he is rude etc.

But i dont' think you can bring your daughters into it due to the very different circumstances they enjoyed.

paddingtoncoffee · 29/02/2024 19:18

My eight year old woke me up to ask where a spoon was. He got "where the last one you used was" and I turned over.

If he wakes me up because he is in pain, it's time to get up or any other legitimate reason, he gets a very different response.

What are you modelling to him that he still expects things to be all sorted for him?

paddingtoncoffee · 29/02/2024 19:22

Said with kindness by the way. I'm acutely aware I need to model how to treat people in your life with kindness, as he won't get that elsewhere

maddening · 29/02/2024 19:44

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2024 15:38

Why the fuck would she do that!

Show quote history

To get him out the house whilst supporting him at college - only a suggestion - no need for the aggressive tone - it is not dissimilar to supporting a dc at uni.

NothingVenturedAndAllThat · 29/02/2024 19:55

I think, if you aren't prepared to chuck him out immediately, firm boundaries are needed here.

  1. I will always love you, but if you speak disrespectfully about women in my home again, you will be instructed to leave. Don't assume this is a flexible boundary because you will quickly learn how inflexible I can be when it comes to my daughters' wellbeing.
  2. You will cook and clean for yourself. If I find any of your laundry in the communal pile it will be returned to your room.
  3. Board and lodgings will be paid.

I understand you rightfully want to blame his father for his misogynistic influence but you are enabling that worldview right now. Dad told him how to treat women, mum is showing him women will accept it.

Do not accept it.

sleekcat · 29/02/2024 20:03

Make him sit down and talk with you about his behaviour, tell him that unless he starts being respectful to others and pulling his weight he cannot live with you. Currently he doesn’t have to change at all because there are no consequences and he probably doesn’t believe you mean what you say. He has to do his own washing and stuff, and definitely make his own lunch. My son is almost the same age, he doesn’t live with me but I have not made him lunch in years. If he shares family meals then he should help to clear up and take turns cooking. If he won’t change or do anything then give him a date to move out. You’re not doing him any favours by doing everything for him and he may have more self respect if he has to step up.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 29/02/2024 20:09

Honestly this is awful! Your daughters are watching this attitude to women and you being his slave is laying the expectations for their lives. Do you want this for them? Hes 24...24!!! Hes a freeloading POS. Im sorry but he needs to learn NOW. If you absolutely wont chuck him out please stop weighting on him hand and foot. Dont do his cooking, his laundry. Take turns to do dinner if you must. Give him chores to contribute and if he doesnt then say he can go and live with his dad or on his own and MEAN IT!!

Pookie2022 · 01/03/2024 08:05

This sounds like my brother, except he’s late 30s. Please act now, it will just get worse. now my mum has passed I’m left to deal with it.

But I do also sympathise with what a pp said regarding undiagnosed conditions that could make independence/functioning hard, and coping mechanisms become anger. But either way, something should change now for your daughters sake.

Justmyopinionbut · 01/03/2024 10:58

This must be heartbreaking for you so do take time to look after yourself in all this and enjoy your daughters and husband. He may come back but you need to let him go for your own sake.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 01/03/2024 11:17

You need to nip this behaviour in the bud, and soon. Have a meeting with your DH and DS ASAP. Lay down your ground rules and explain, without getting heated the consequences if he breaks them. You do not want your girls growing up around this behaviour, thinking its normal. If you do put up with it without consequences for him they will think that 'because Mum condones it, it must be okay'.

Newhorizons8 · 01/03/2024 11:22

Stop skivving after him immediately. He can have his own laundry basket and sort that out himself. He can contribute to a weekly cooking rota if not, absolutely stop cooking for him and set up chores for everybody in the house including your daughters as age appropriate. If he doesn't like it, he has to find somewhere else to live. He isn't a child anymore.

Lotus3 · 01/03/2024 11:55

I mean... the man is 24 years old. I'd really struggle having someone in my space that disrespected my home and family like that.

Maybe throw him a bit of cash and tell him as nicely as possible that it's time to leave the nest and make his own way... And if he doesn't like it, he can ask his hero dad to put him up instead.

Umidontknow · 01/03/2024 11:59

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:34

I'd love nothing more than for him to move out but he's gone back to college after a change of mind, which I did encourage and I so want him to finish his course this time, so he can get a job that pays better so he can support himself.

If you are going to continue to let him live with you, then you still need to stop looking after him. He can clean his own clothes and cook his own meals at the very least. Don't back down on it even if he chooses not too initially. His clothes will soon stink and he will be hungry so he will start to do it himself. You have done your part, but he is now a grown adult who can look after himself. Personally collage or not I would be telling him to move out.

Vonesk · 01/03/2024 12:07

Go into Town NOW!!!!!!
Buy Suitcases, (plus packing boxes.)
Take them Home.
** This guy needs A SHOCK so Wait till hes out for the day ( or night)
Go in his Room
Pack all his stuff.
Dismantle his Bedstead.
Take down the window blinds.
Put a few boxes on the front Lawn
* If you have time get a Locksmith to fit a Lock on his door and Lock it ( don't give him key )
When he returns DONT let him in.

cambridgecoral · 01/03/2024 12:11

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