To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

Jake Davison springs to mind.

No, sorry, you being autistic doesn't mean this is an okay thing to say about autism in general. There is no evidence to support this. If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

OP that sounds so rough, I'm sorry. I agree with everyone else saying you need to stop doing his cooking and cleaning, at the very least.

Send him to live with his dad. You’re no longer required to keep a roof over his head, so show him the door.

Replying to pinkdaffodils900 - there is LOADS of evidence that autistic men are much more likely to be incels. Google the peer reviewed study
'Recent research has drawn attention to the prevalence of self-reported autism within online communities of involuntary celibates (incels).'

Incels are THIRTY times more likely to be autistic. Just google it!
If everyone's in denial about this, nothing is going to change.

I think 'self reported' is key there.

@Pookie2022 Me too. My brother was 46 when mum died and had never had a job for more than four days. (Despite qualifications and extra training.) He expected me to be Mum #2 when she died and was aggressive and demanding despite me asserting my stand that I was not going to play that game as I have my own kids. I had to block him as he scared them as well as me and have been no contact for about seven years. He harasses other family members who get fed up with it and then try and pass the buck to me. They are always told that if they want to buy into the “Poor D” narrative instead of accepting that he’s a dick, then they can deal with it. He is not my responsibility. He’s over 50 and has more money and support than anyone I have ever met. (Like his wife, for example.)

Kick him out. He’s 24 not 12. Let him see that the grass is not greener and he can stand on his own 2 feet. Or see if his dad copes with the mess

Well they have to try and find some reason why women won't shag them, it can't be because they're an arsehole can it!

I am sure I am saying what everyone else has but don't let him live with you and stop being his personal servant.

You do realise that you are confirming his misogynistic views about women? That he can treat them as obnoxiously as he likes? And they will put up with it?

I'm autistic too and have no problems finding men who want to shag me.

Sorry to say but you are enabling his awful behaviour and setting a terrible example
for your two daughters who see a man treating a woman (you) appallingly and still being waited on hand foot and fingernail. You need to throw him out, he is a grown man and a spell at the university of life will do him the world of good. You never know, he might change and apologise for all this one day.

I agree with this. And I think op may be in a little bit of a co dependent relationship.
Maybe some therapy will help you with that op and the inevitable guilt you will feel when he goes and maybe doesn't contact you.
I think if kicking him out is too hard start with small steps. Stop doing his washing. Don't cook for him make enough for you and dh and the girls. Keep food in your room if you need to maybe keep some out so he can learn to cook somethings for himself.
Text communication and then grey rock anything else. If he is rude or disrespectful to you.
State your boundaries in a firm way. " I won't tolerate you talking to me like that". Then walk away, leave house if necessary.
Then when you feel stronger offer him information on where to find local renting information, any student support text him and verbally tell him he has three months to locate a new residence.
Good luck op, you have done your best op. He needs to stand by himself now.

You can’t change your son’s behaviour but you can change your approach to his awful behaviour. He thinks women are stupid, dumb and to be publicly disrespected and he thinks he has a right to impose his standards on you in YOUR home.
So what’s got to change? Probably it’s his presence in YOUR home. No adult should be cleaning up after another able bodied adult. No adult should be listening to his verbal assaults (because that’s what they are) and offering him board and lodgings. Who does he think he’s talking to? Your son needs to learn to be cordial, well mannered and self disciplined and btw if he aspires to a management role, the first step will be in managing his own behaviour. Hes not going to learn these skills in your home. You’ve felt v overwhelmed and you’ve tolerated a lot and his useless father has been a hopeless role model.
Btw it’s your son’s choice to ‘model’ himself on darling Daddy. He could just as easily chosen to admire you and the good life that you have built for him and his sisters. So you need to grow a backbone where NO doesn’t mean ‘yes you can crap all over me and make me feel awful and I’ll tolerate it ’. NO means ‘I’m not putting up with this anymore and Ive told you for the last time, there are consequences for YOU’.
No one else can do this because others aren’t as severely affected by his loutish behaviour, so shoulders back, deep breaths and get him out of the house.
He needs to leave and acquire some real life experience and if talking about “down sizing” is your way of broaching the subject so be it…otherwise you fix a time (don’t tell him in advance) and sit down with him and your husband, and tell him it’s over and fix a date for his departure. Don’t argue with him, he doesn’t have an equal say ….grown ups pay for their own board and lodgings and follow the house rules. It will be daunting doing this, but it’s got to be done for his sake, otherwise you’ll have aided and abetted another misogynist into thinking women are serfs. He won’t like what you say, he will be abusive and disrespectful and that’s why he needs to put his big boy pants on and live somewhere else. You still love him, that’s not the issue, it’s his awful lazy arrogance and misogyny which is the issue.
Wishing you well xxx

He’s an adult, kick him out. He can go live with his beloved dad.

I am going against the grain and saying I don't think the OP should boot him out right now. And I do think it is possible to be a dick at 24 and a reasonable human being by 30.
Realistically his last year at college could he spent altering his behaviour at home. Starting with the most annoying things you want him to change - and the ones that are easy to implement. No doing his laundry or lunches is easy, because it's something you do so you have control (unlike say him doing dishes).
I wouldn't underestimate the impact of living with his depressed and anxious father for a year; or the possibility that he may have some genetic predisposition to this himself.

And because you've not nipped this thinking in the bud. He may spend weekends with his dad but he clearly has spent more time with you, so I'm not sure why you haven't used your influence to demonstrate how unacceptable his 'Andrew Tate' thinking is. Children are a product of their parents, what have you done to teach him about respect and acceptable behaviour?

The first thing to do is to STOP cooking for him or doing any laundry etc. He's 24, he can be independent.

If he truly won't change he needs to move out.

I know this so hard to hear but you are indeed responsible at least for part of how he behaves . Tell him to leave , he is 24 , I had a 5 year old at that age , I worked , I studied and I took care of my child . If you keep on doing things for him it will only get worse . He sounds like a clinical narcissist and he will never have any respect for any of you because he is above anyone else .
personally I would kick him out , give him a month to find a place to leave , change the locks .

He's living in your home. You still have an impact on who he turns out to be while he is there.

Why you choose to pander to him and complain on here baffles me. Focus on educating him.

First, have a chat with him. Explain his attitude is one held by weak losers. No one who is truly self-confident feels the need to put others down. Explain you have no respect for that attitude and ask if he is truly happy pretending he can't cope with running his own life efficiently, with this learned helplessness, masked by scorn, which is leading people who love him to re-evaluate him and lose respect and affection for him. Does he truly think that is empowering?

Tell him you have self respect and you chose from now on never to go out of your way for anyone who treats you with disrespect. So he needs to learn how to cook, clean up after himself, do his own laundry and you will show him how if he asks you with respect. But you won't do it for him.

If he likes books about management and power, show him the self-empowerment book Make Your Bed by Special Ops US Navy Admiral William McRaven. They don't come more macho than him, but he knows self discipline and his sure enough of his own masculinity not to think his willy will shrink if he tidies up after himself!

If after two weeks, he has made no progress, drop him at his dad's.

No bashing here - time to leave home and make own way in life.

I'm glad you're not my mum you sound awful

Even if you wanted to house and support him through his last year of college, I don't understand how this translates to 'I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks' etc? He can do his own chores, no?

You absolutely do NOT have to do his washing, genuine wtf, you shouldn't be touching anything that's touched your 24 year old's willy!

Also I know these sound like exhausting suggestions, but I understand the struggle of not wanting to exclude him from family meals etc – so do a cooking (or cooking assistant) rota. If he doesn't cook/help cook on that day you all get takeout without him. Use colour coded dishes & cutlery (just make it a fun/casual thing) so everyone does their own dishes if you don't have a dishwasher. Etc.

Otherwise, you're really just reinforcing his view that women (and his mum and sisters) exist to be his slaves.

Have you thought about the effect that living with someone with such awful opinions of women will have on your daughters?

Tell him to sort his attitude out or get out. Charge him board and for gods sakes stop doing everything for him. You're literally feeding into a misogynistic attitude by, as the woman, doing all the chores.

I would make it quite simple for him, you change your attitude and help out around the house, or you're out.
Hes in college sure, but you can get weekend and evening work that will pay enough to live in a house share.

Literally think of your daughters. It is not healthy for them. You can love someone and not like them.

So he has a job and is also attending college? Or he is FT in college again? Its really not clear.

If the former, he can sling his hook.
If it's the latter he gets 30 days to shape up or be homeless.

By accepting this behaviour not only are you accepting his abuse, you are forcing the rest of your family to do so.

@Weonlyhavealoanofit well said, I was going to say much the same.

OP please don't feel guilty! Its all very well saying 'change the locks' but it sounds like he has a long way to go to being a full adult so that transition needs to start now. Make a plan, maybe with increased responsibility for each month leading to a leaving date in a year or so. Ignore his nasty attitude, you can't change that you can only change what you do.

I have a 16 yr old and if he speaks to me aggressively or rudely or doesn't do his daily or weekly chores, I don't make his lunch, give him any lifts or do laundry for a few days, I tell him what's happening and that's the end of it. After a few days we go back to normal and if it happens again I do it again. He learned quickly not to piss me off. Words never worked with him, he would just sneer at me or shout at me, I couldn't make him respect me in any other way but actions. Its very hard and hurtful too so I do get it.

For a start stop doing his cooking and cleaning, and charge him rent if you don't already, tell him the things he needs to change with his attitude or he will have to seek alternative accomodation. Harsh but his lack of respect is deserving of it and the distance may make him realise what you do for him and make you like him again.

I remember my mum once told me as a teenager she would always love me but at that particular time she didn't like me very much, can't remember what I had done but the truth made me realise I had been a bit of a b and I bucked my ideas up.